Affair starting up again

[dollymixture]

I really want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to me. I know that what I'm doing isn't right, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself (god that sounds pathetic). I am so mixed up right now.

Basically I had a 3 month affair with a friend 4 years ago now. Nothing between us for 2 years after that, he got married, I had another child ... life carried on. But then things started up again a couple of years ago and have been on and off ever since. More off than on, every now and again things would get very intense for a few weeks and then, mainly due to cirucmstances, would stop again.

But we're very close, always have been, email lots, especially when things are back on. And it is again, though not physically at the moment it's as good as with raunchy emails and phone stuff.

I can't pull back (and don't want to) he's part of my life and as much a friend of my dh's as mine. Him and his family are like family to us. Which just makes it even worse.

I really don't know what I'm asking here, to some extent I just need to get if off my chest. Maybe I want to find someone else who's been through the same thing, or maybe I want someone to talk some sense into me. I am so not the type of person who has an affair, I have spent my whole life doing the right thing, doing what is expected of me, and it would devestate everyone and shock everyone if they found out.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just on the verge of being very mixed up by it all and I know that that was a horrible place to be 4 years ago.

Thanks GF

came across this thread tonight please dm think of all the children involved as well as dh should never do anything your children would be ashamed of you for your childrens happiness should always come first not yours at this point in their lives dh would be devastated his friend is a s* to his wife his friend and you ! think of what you could lose all for something that has fizzled out in the past whats to say when it all comes out that it wont fizzle again?

im certainly not "whiter than white" but i still think that having an affair is wrong. its even more wrong to go back and do it again 3 years later.

and im sorry but the idea that infidelity is a sign of female empowerment is bollox. yes women should be able to have a sexual abandonment the way men do, but when in a relationship that they are meant to be commited to then to sleep with anyone outside of that is wrong,...male or female.

and sleeping around doesn't raise your conficence it just shows how little respect you have for yourself

DP had an affair because 'I neglected him' while I was pregnant and having our daughter.

We are still together because I made the decision that our daughter needed two parents.

Our relationship is a mess though, he destroyed everything by being deceitful, sleeping with another woman, lying and putting himself and his 'needs' above mine and our daughters. I'm torn now. I should marry him for our daughter's sake, but I just can't. And if he had another affair I just wouldn't care now. What we had that was special went, I can't feel the same about him.

So, this is the aftermath of an affair - you would do this to two families?

Nothing at all to do with being whiter than white - very daft comment to make.

DM needs to make a decision - apart from deciding to sh*g her husband's best friend (classy!) as recommended by most of the responses. She seems unable to make a decision beyond considering her libido which is just great for the kids that will ultimately get really hurt. She doesn't seem to get that. Or care much about that.

Sorry you feel it was daft winky.Although in that case allow me to say that I think its quite rude to slag other peoples posts.If you've nothing nice to say...
Furthermore IMO it was justified-some of the sanctimony on this thread has been outrageous IMO.Is there any possiblity that some people have just enjoyed having a go at someone?I particualarly enjoyed the poster who said something about wanting to hit the DM.Thats sense that is!

Furthermore winky-you clearly didnt read my whole post in which I advocated the same as you-that the OP must make a decision.

I think DM was quite honest wit her OP and that has obviously offended people to the extent that they can lambast her.I dont think its right what she's doing.But I do think she feels really upset and desperate about it as I said in my post.And she likely just wanted some advice.So if you dont want to give her that why post at all?
I thought the whole idea of mumsnet was to be supportive of each other.If you dont agree with a post or are disgusted by it, why go on the thread at all?
Or perhaps im missing something?
Anyway-will not be posting on this thread again as its made me quite cross.
But I hope it all works out, DM in the end in a way that is best for as many people as possible..

Scootermum, I have no qualms in admitting that my 1st post to DM began "I want to slap people who write threads like this". I meant that in the sense that it's very frustrating to read about someone doing something they know is wrong, yet who still carry on and do it anyway ..... i.e. they choose to be selfish. I expect most readers would have understood that to be a metaphorical remark.

If you'd noted my name, you would have seen that I have revisited this thread a few times since and have offered DM constructive advice since, at quite some length each time, which indicates that although I do not agree with what she is doing personally, I do care "enough" about this virtual stranger to spend quite some time typing out stuff which I hope gives her something to think about, and which is offered to her in the hope that she too, and not just her family, can avoid the hurt that having an affair nearly always brings.

The whole point of MN is to be supportive, but being supportive is NOT necessarily condoning something, or agreeing totally with what anyone else writes. Have you never heard of the old adages about being "cruel to be kind" (though I wouldn't say that anything I have written has been cruel), honesty being the "best policy" and so on ?

All of us who've posted have done so because we care on some level about this poster. Many of us have implored her to seek counselling for herself as she seems unable to stop doing something which could potentially cause huge distress to several people. We do that because we want her to find a way through this, and we want there to be - if not a happy ending to this situation - then at least an honest one.

I very much doubt that anyone who's spent time and effort composing advice for DM has come into this thread thinking "oh good, here's an opportunity to have a go at someone". I certainly have better things to do with my time. The overriding impression I get of this thread isn't so much anger as frustration with DM. She probably is upset by what's going on but so far hasn't really explained, or been willing to answer/talk about what it might be that's causing her to do what she's doing. By posting at all she is in effect seeking help ....... yet people can only offer help up to the point a poster is willing to open up (or not).

As I said in one of my replies, were she to ask for specific advice, about either sorting out what's lacking in her life & marriage (to cause her to have an affair), and/or tactics for coping with temptation, there would be a plethora of well meaning advice sent her way.

I really don't think anyone's been sanctimonious ..... several others have commented on how they too have been tempted to stray, and others have told it from the other side. No-one's called DM any names.

So far DM has not actually said she wants this to stop, though she says she knows it's wrong ?? Faced with someone like that, what further help can anyone offer except to point out the pitfalls ? It's totally unrealistic to criticise MNers for not being supportive when someone chooses to continue to be selfish and we have no other background (say, like violence in her marriage, which might explain why she's seeking solace elsewhere). I think loads of people have so far been extremely supportive to her, and have indicated that they will be supportive again should she open up some more and be honest with us ........... but think on this, the best sort of support for someone is not blithely letting them destroy themselves (and others) simply because it feels good in the present. It's often about being honest with them and snatching off their rose tinted glasses if they're blinding them to what the future might be like.

Eh? Scootermum, you're slagging off other people's posts by saying they're sanctimonious!

If you've nothing nice to say mind.................

DM,

This will all come out sooner or later. It's funny how the truth does that. You need to tell your husband before someone else does or he inadvertantly finds out. He'll probably be hurt either way, but it's easier to forgive someone if they are honest.

It doesn't come out one way or another. Lots of people keep these things secret. Possibly 10% of mumsnet posters are having secret affairs or their other half is and one will ever know. Telling doesn't usually help at all but not doing it is the best course of action.

Wow, brave lady to admit it on here. Remember most women are oblivious to there partners having affairs. You are just a highlighter..

DM - have read all the posts and agree with them. NurseyJo's should particularly hit home hard - what if that were your kids?

If you continue this affair it WILL get found out - they ALWAYS do in the end! Something will trip you/him up!!!!

Xenia - I do agree to an extent that it doesn't necessarily all 'have to come out in the end' - it doesn't always if the affair fizzles out or ends. Often the adulterer just puts it to the back of their mind and carries on regardless BUT I think in a case like this where it is on and off and obviously running a long course - nope, I believe these type of affairs DO get found out! Esp when you think that he is a very close (!) family friend as well.

Being a single mum doesnt f..k up the kids its having a unstable homelife or c..p mother or father around them that does. I know of many single mums that are strong and their kids are ok. But the kids that are not are the ones that they just stuck together in marriage for the sake of their kids or split and battled for the next few years.

Winky-you are right-I was being hypocritical there-But I didnt mention any partic posters name specifically and it was that that annoyed me.(I actually couldnt remember who it was that said the thing about the hitting)

Witchy-I HAVE NOT 'blindy condoned' what she is doing.And thankyou, im well aware of the fact that you sometimes have to be cruel to be kind.I just dont happen to think it that applicable in this case.I have stated that its wrong and potentially damaging in every one of my posts.Whilst trying to give some actual advice.But what I havent done is just said how wrong she is,because I think she knows that already, and which im sorry, is what alot of other posters have done.Some havent, I never said it was everyone.But I do think that some people have decided the woman is a bad 'un and have taken some pleasure in telling her.(That what I personally suspect.Im willing to be proved wrong but I question how you can be so certain of everyone elses motivation for posting?You can surely be no more certain than I am?And as I said thats only my own impression).
IMO to simply say-'you are doing wrong' isnt helpful or supportive of her as a person-as a person mind, not as someone acting wrongly.You can think she is wrong but you dont have to be so vociferous about it is all I meant.
(and by 'you', I dont mean 'you' personally, clearly)

And now I REALLY am not posting on this thread any more!
I mean is DM even reading this anymore?Or is she sick of the fact that now its really become a row about somethhing else.Because I sure am! (even it was partially my fault!For which I apologise.)

I am still reading, and I am questioning my actions ... what I'm doing, why I'm doing it exactly etc etc

I know that a lot of you seem to think that it's a clear cut decision but it isn't, it very rarely is when emotions are involved.

I am sorry that this thread seems to have got out of hand. I genuinely posted to get some advice and to help me talk through things, because there's no one I can talk to about it in real life.

But in the same way that people are quick to tell me that I shouldn't be posting just to hear what I want to hear (ie go on, have the affair), it's unfair of you to be telling me what you want to hear from me (ie that I want it to stop, that I need help dealing with my feelings etc). It's surely better that my posts are honest rather than me posting what I think you all want to hear.

Message withdrawn

DM - there are people you can turn to in RL

counsellors - to help you work out why you need this complicated & emotionally driven desire to potentially do something really harmful to yourself & others...

IMO , you do need some help to deal with your feelings..you love your DH & Kids but are prepared to put 2 families happiness at stake..

if you step away from this affair..nothing to say you will not be having this same problem in another couple of years...

you need to break this cycle

HTH!

DM - it is possible to love two people at the same time, but you need to quickly decide what you are doing. it sounds as though if your dh found out what was going on, you may have already lost him.

it is very tempting to throw away something that you are taking for granted (dh) for something that seems more exciting(ex-boyfriend). but if dh found out and couldn't forgive you, he might end the marriage. then it would no longer be your choice.

i would stay well away from temptation, even moving out of the area, to keep your family intact.

"But I appreicate that none of you have been through these feelings, as I said"

How do you know that? I've been there and once - just once - I acted on those feelings. And it was wrong and I've never stopped feeling guilty. How could I feel otherwise? There is only one course for you to take honourably now. To stop this affair in it's tracks - don't let yourself fall into the trap again. It is possible - you are not a child, or a robot that can only follow one course without thinking. Don't use the excuse of 'feelings' to act thoughtlessly to your DH. You CAN stop this. Do you have an open marriage? Would it be OK for your DH to do the same? Do you potentially want your marriage to end? If not you know the answer don't you?

DM, you said:

"But in the same way that people are quick to tell me that I shouldn't be posting just to hear what I want to hear (ie go on, have the affair), it's unfair of you to be telling me what you want to hear from me (ie that I want it to stop, that I need help dealing with my feelings etc). It's surely better that my posts are honest rather than me posting what I think you all want to hear."

I think many of us following this are frustrated, not by what you've said, but by what you haven't said. You've not explicitly said, one way or another, what it is you want to do.

Are you saying that you want to carry this on ? ...... because if you are then you are obviously going to get certain sorts of replies.

Or are you saying that you want it to stop, but don't know how to stop yourself ? ..... in which case, people will inevitably ask you what it is this man brings you that outweighs the risk of discovery (and all after effects).

If you clearly said that, I bet lots of people would be happy to talk it through with you step by step - this has happened before on MN.

Finally though, if you are determined to carry on, then your posts simply become statements, as opposed to requests for advice. And then, again inevitably, people will get irritated because really the only conclusion they can draw is that you're posting to seek some sort of approval at some level, presumably to assuage any guilt you might be feeling.

I'm not saying any of the above to be nasty and as I've said before, whilst of course I cannot be 100% sure of the motives of any other posters, I still maintain it's very unlikely that anyone who's actually bothered to post on this thread at all is doing so to cause mischief or to be nasty to you per se. People "care" (as much as they can about a virtual person) and just hope, on face value, on what they've been told, that you and your family don't come unstuck.

Guess what I'm saying is that if you'd like more support and/or advice about your situation you do need to be more explicit in what it is you want from MN. Forgive me if I've stupidly missed it but I can't recall seeing in any of your posts, any statement from you about what you want to do with your future.