Affair starting up again

[dollymixture]

I really want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to me. I know that what I'm doing isn't right, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself (god that sounds pathetic). I am so mixed up right now.

Basically I had a 3 month affair with a friend 4 years ago now. Nothing between us for 2 years after that, he got married, I had another child ... life carried on. But then things started up again a couple of years ago and have been on and off ever since. More off than on, every now and again things would get very intense for a few weeks and then, mainly due to cirucmstances, would stop again.

But we're very close, always have been, email lots, especially when things are back on. And it is again, though not physically at the moment it's as good as with raunchy emails and phone stuff.

I can't pull back (and don't want to) he's part of my life and as much a friend of my dh's as mine. Him and his family are like family to us. Which just makes it even worse.

I really don't know what I'm asking here, to some extent I just need to get if off my chest. Maybe I want to find someone else who's been through the same thing, or maybe I want someone to talk some sense into me. I am so not the type of person who has an affair, I have spent my whole life doing the right thing, doing what is expected of me, and it would devestate everyone and shock everyone if they found out.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just on the verge of being very mixed up by it all and I know that that was a horrible place to be 4 years ago.

don't want to keep coming back here..
but
witchy...you are gloriously eloquent...and have nailed the situation beautifully....am of your ability to sum up and address a complex situation so well..

Despite what you all may think of me, I am reading and taking on board everything that you are all saying.

I admit that I would be devestated if I found out that my DH was cheating on me and I know that that means I have terrible double standards.

It really would be easier if I could break all contact with him but there really is no way. That's not me being weak or looking for excuses. Our families all meet up together. It isn't as simple as letting my husband meet him on his own. Any actions like this would have huge alarm bells ringing. We are all godparents to each others children, we are like family, which just makes it even more mixed up.

There are no real problems in my marriage. There were the first time this happened and I was at a very vulnerable stage but I'm not any more, it's just become too easy to fall back into it after it's happened once.

I would love to be able to talk through things, work our why this is happening, why I feel like this etc ... but I honestly don't know where to start.

"I'm surprised how few people seem able to cope with the fact that human beings are not naturally monogamous"

When 2 people enter into a marriage, unless they have discussed and agreed to an open relationship, they are vowing to remain monogamous.

Marriage, by it very design is a one on one relationship, "forsaking all others"

Nowhere in my vows do I remember saying 'I'll be faithful to you as long as we both shall live, unless Fred comes on to me or you mate Bob fancies a quickie now & then" But then I have been married for 13 years, so it is possible they have changed the 'rules'

"that monogamy is a social construct desingned pretty much to keep women as property"

What? So my hubby owns me because we got married? He would be the first to totally disagree. I am not property, I do not own him, him nor me!

"wanting to have sex with more than once person at a time (yes, group sex is cool too) doesn't make you a monster"

YES, it does. When one person is blissfully unaware that his wife is screwing his best mate. THAT makes HER & the so called "best mate" worse than monsters IMO!

"I have no intention of leaving my husband and wouldn't want him to leave his wife"

Not being funny I really feel for your husband. YOU seem to have a magic wand and YOU decide that YOU don't want to leave your DH and YOU don't want other guy to leave his wife. Aren't YOU the lucky one allowed to make ALL the decisions. Obviously you're not happy with your DH so YOU decide to shag your best friend and according to your post DH best mate - well if I had a best mate like you - I would be watching my back always. Stop being ME ME ME and look at other people in the picture. YOU only want whats best for YOU and I don't know what it is your DH has got that makes you stay with him but something appears to be missing. Somebody is going to get very hurt here and I can bet a bottom dollar it is not going to be YOU.

Dollymixture, I don't usually post on these threads as I am deeply adverse to affairs - from any point of view - but seeing as you are here and the board is slow today...

You really do have to get a grip on yourself and end what is going on. If you hated your husband and had made a mistake with your marriage and this other man was so obviously your soul mate, then things might be different. But you do not seem to be saying these things. As I see it, he really is just a bit on the side. Well, that is not on. You are hurting his wife, your husband, however many children are involved, all the extended families, maybe mutual friends, and ultimately you will hurt him and yourself. All for what? Some sexual gratification? Is that what it comes down to? There really is no sense in that.

dollymixture, what is it you feel the affair will bring you?

haunted - ah it's cos some folks take their vows more serious - for that i'm sure . same in this house with the property. infact I do not see how any human is the property of another but that's another thread!

"There are no real problems in my marriage"

Well, apart from the fact that you want to have an affair with a family friend.

Bugsy2 - trying to answer your question honestly. My gut reaction is to say 'excitement' and 'to feel wanted'. But then that doesn't make sense because I have no doubt that my husband wants me too.

With a married family friend who has chidren.

You say that you are all like family - well that certainly does not give you the right to shag this guy. BTW are you still sexual with your DH?

I repeat

It's easy to end it...you delete the phone numbers, email address, all the emails/texts you more than likely have stored, but not before telling him it can't/won't be happening. Then you either tell you dh or you live with it. I was lucky, dh forgave me, but then again I hadn't been having an affair for 4 years!

If he is dh's friend and it is a relationship you won't spoil then you owe it to your dh NOT to see this man..ever again!! If your dh sees him, you don't, end of. You leave the house if he visits, you don't join your dh when they have a get together. Either that or you think of some reason to cut him out of both your lives.

If you truely want to sort this out you have to do something.

"Any actions like this would have huge alarm bells ringing" but easier to ward off than if/when you are caught red handed! Believe me...YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING!

If you can't see any way out of it, you have to come clean. If you fess up now, you can limit the details, the harm and maybe the damage, if you are caught there is no way out.

I think you should invest your excess energy into your marriage. Instead of planning furtive moments for sex with the other man, try planning a furtive meet up with your dh and have a quick shag with him, eg when he isn't expecting it, or in a slightly risky place, like at his work at lunchtime. That would be just as exciting as having an affair, and might actually rekindle some romance and warmth in your relationship. I calculate you have been married about as long as I have and I cn imagine your relationship has gone a bit stale.

I can understand how peculiar it would seem if you suddenly started to avoid close family friends for apparently no reason at all.

If it's impossible to do that, and you genuinely want this to stop, then YOU have to start taking some responsibility for your family's future happiness and draw some absolutely rigid boundaries in how you deal with this man. Carry on seeing him in your husband's company, as you always have, chat and joke etc. but you do NOT engage in private correspondence with him. No texts, no calls, no emails, no letters, no cards. You do NOT meet up with him on his own and you tell him that from now on this is over and this has to stop. And if he objects, or if he keeps pestering you, you keep telling him, for as long as it takes, that you mean what you say - end of. You do not get into long conversations where you are pressed to justify your decision, you simply keep repeating that it's over.

Hopefully, sooner or later, he will accept that. I hope he can do so graciously, and not blackmail you into continuing to see him (or else he'll tell). Stranger things have happened.

And if all this tears you apart, means that you cannot sleep, can't stop crying and feel depressed, then you seek individual counselling perhaps to help you come to terms with the decision you've made.

Alternatively, if you don't want to leave your husband, and don't want to stop seeing this man as anything but a platonic friend, you keep your fingers (and everything else) very firmly crossed and hope that no-one ever finds out because, almost certainly, the sh*t will hit the fan big style when they do. Any number of scenarios could arise from such a revelation ...... you might, at that time, find yourself so riddled with guilt that you are plunged into serious depression, your kids might turn against you for breaking up the family in that way, your husband might appear to forgive you but your relationship with him will be very unbalanced from that moment on, with him holding all the control, your lover abandons you and goes back to his wife while you find yourself with no-one, financially you may find yourself stuffed after a marriage breakdown, your lover lies about you to protect himself and you will feel broken ....... yes, all conjecture I know as I don't have a crystal ball, but all these things are typical effects of a marriage breakdown folowing infidelity.

What is it - exactly - that you want to do ?

Do you want to stop ?

or are you seeking approval ?

"haunted - ah it's cos some folks take their vows more serious - for that i'm sure"

Ahhh, munz, that's what it is then....

I know the one time I was remotely tempted (said earlier in thread) I freaked. STOPPED it....the next day.

Ok, so what do you think the chap you are having the affair with is looking for?
Can you tell me why it felt so horrible 4 years ago?

I really cannot stop seeing him completely, our lives are so entwined that it is impossible.

And I am not going to confess all, too many lives would be torn apart.

I have been married for 11 years together for 16.

When I say there aren't any problems in my marriage, I mean that there is nothing I could pinpoint to say that is why I am having an affair.

Your marriage is stale. Do something about it! Something to benefit your marriage, not something to spice up your life.

I am curious though. What is this man doing a) having an affair with his friend's wife, b) marrying someone so soon after your initial affair ended, and c) rekindling your affair within 4 years of his marriage starting? I am sorry to say it, he may be Casanova in bed, but he doesn't sound much of a catch in any other way.

gosh if he is "as much a friend of dh's as mine" as you quoted do you think he is sleeping with him as well?
If you cannot remove him from your life, then simply stop sleeping with him, stop improper comms and start again with some distance.
I say it is impossible to draw out of unless you extract yourself from his life and vice versa.
You will then be lying to your dh and kids for the rest of your live together - not a great basis if I'm honest for a succesful marriage.
Being as both of you seem to have decent marriages and nice lives I'm at a loss as to how you can justify to yourself your right to do this
It would eat me inside out

I honestly don't know what he's looking for .. sex I guess.

4 years ago it took over my every waking moment. I was constantly wondering when I would see him next, checking emails, checking my phone for texts. Huge disappointment if our plans fell through. Terribly guilty at the same time. Not sleeping, snapping at my DH, lots of crying.

There MUST be something. Otherwise you wouldn't be here..you need to look deeper. Unless you are really looking to be found out.

I have been married for 13 years in May, with him for 18 in March. He's been my one and only....I don't ever consider that changing and wouldn't do anything that alters my dd's life to such an extent.

I have seen what happens when affiars are uncovered and you just have to have been on MN a short while to see the damage it causes.

One thing that does keep coming back into my head is that, in this time frame of 4 years, when you were 'off' was he on with some one else? He's come looking in your direction, because no one else ia available? If that is the case, I think you have to consider the repurrcussions (sp) of that!

The aftermath of an affair is horrible on all parties involved.

You need to stop this now as you will be found out. I am shocked that you still love your dh, but don't mind sleeping with his mate behind his back!! You sound like a lovely person!!!

Sorry to keep on but do you actually want this to stop ?

If you want to understand why you're having an affair counselling might be your best option (if you want to stop that is).

Oh DM, is that really where you want to go back to? It doensn't sound a good place at all.
Whatever you are looking for, you are not going to find it with this man.
I hope you'll forgive me for saying this, but I think you could do with a bit of counselling. It sounds like you have a settled & fairly happy marriage, but you are not happy.
Could I be right?