Affair starting up again

[dollymixture]

I really want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation to me. I know that what I'm doing isn't right, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself (god that sounds pathetic). I am so mixed up right now.

Basically I had a 3 month affair with a friend 4 years ago now. Nothing between us for 2 years after that, he got married, I had another child ... life carried on. But then things started up again a couple of years ago and have been on and off ever since. More off than on, every now and again things would get very intense for a few weeks and then, mainly due to cirucmstances, would stop again.

But we're very close, always have been, email lots, especially when things are back on. And it is again, though not physically at the moment it's as good as with raunchy emails and phone stuff.

I can't pull back (and don't want to) he's part of my life and as much a friend of my dh's as mine. Him and his family are like family to us. Which just makes it even worse.

I really don't know what I'm asking here, to some extent I just need to get if off my chest. Maybe I want to find someone else who's been through the same thing, or maybe I want someone to talk some sense into me. I am so not the type of person who has an affair, I have spent my whole life doing the right thing, doing what is expected of me, and it would devestate everyone and shock everyone if they found out.

I don't know what else to say, I'm just on the verge of being very mixed up by it all and I know that that was a horrible place to be 4 years ago.

I have just been looking at other posts DM I seriously think you need to cut all ties with this guy- it is turning into quite a circle of events and you certainly keep going back for more.

If you marriage is so important to you I seriously think you need to sit down and talk to your husband about it - at the end of the day what will be will be. How would you feel if it were your husband posting on a site about him having an affair with Best Friends DW and that he stopped and started it on numerous occassions. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL??? I really don't think what any of us say will help you as whatever has been said before has not stopped you going back for more and more.

During the time when things were 'off' life was moving on. I had another child, he got married and had his first child. So no, I don't think he was seeing anyone else.

I am obviously not a lovely person, I don't need that pointing out.

Again ..... do you want this to stop ?

Honestly witchcatsmother - I don't know.

Very few of us are lovely people DM.
I think what is bugging people here is that there seems very little positive about what you are proposing to do.
You are proposing to make yourself unhappy & potentially jeopardise the stability of two families.
Rationally it makes very little sense, which is why I can only think you are unhappy & looking for something?

Kama - and how exactly do I explain that o mu husband, and to his wife, and to everyone else that would be asking why?

DM, what doe syour instinct tell you to do?

DM, you could stop flirting with him, stop sexy emails, sexy texts etc. Given you are family friends, to keep the status quo, you probably would still have to see him occasionally - but it would probably best to ensure that it wasn't unnacompanied.
Most situations can be managed perfectly well - if you want to.
BTW, you still haven't addressed the issue as to whether or not you are happy?

"Kama - and how exactly do I explain that o mu husband, and to his wife, and to everyone else that would be asking why?"

as it will be sooo much easier to explain things when you get find out......

OK, this is what I really think.
You do not sound like "affair material" to me. I don't think you are capable of conducting a sufficiently discreet affair with this man to successfully get away with it.
If you are unable accept that it is about nothing more than a bit of extra sex, which it would seem to me that you weren't last time, then don't do it.
Simple!

DM isn't happy...if she was, she wouldn;t be on here asking a bunch of strangers to endorse her need to sleep with a married man who is a friend of her DHs.

go to relate

go to counselling

do something to stop these self destructive impulses

or discuss open relationship with DH

but i am willing to stake my house on you not wanting an open relationship because you want the best of both

a nice stable marriage

and the excitement of a lust driven affair

when was the last time you got dolled up in sexy things for your DH or sent him a naughty text message?

concentrate on him & your marriage

You either have to carry on but keep it secret which a lot of people do manage and rid yourself of the guilt

See "Are you really all so monogamy-mad?" comment below. I said 30% of married women aren't monogamous. i think it's about that figure. All you've described is how a lot of people are - love their parnter, don't want them to know because it would hurt them and just having sex because it's fun. It may not even mean very much. It doesn't to you. You're not in love. you don't want to leave. I can't quite get around you saying it's okay for you to do it but not your husband, though. Sometimes it's better to stay married and see someone than break up a long marriage not that I do think that's the easiest thing to arrange at all. Also many people start like you have and change - one of them falls in love. I'm sitting here doing admin listening to the "Archers" on the radio with an affair theme.

Why do you have a problem with carrying on as now? Is it guilt or worrying about being found out? They're two very different things. Guilt you can stop by stopping the affair or changing your mind set and being found out - you presumably just have to protect yourself.

It sounds as though you don't want to restart it.

dollymixture- my dh had an affair with a work colleague nearly 3 years ago, we are still together but the ripple effect goes on and on.
As others who've been there have said I cannot begin to describe the trauma and pain that comes with an affair when it comes out in the open.You may think the pain will be for you and your dh but the ripples stretch out....his wife, children, your children, your oarents, siblings aunts uncles etc all get to know, friends get involved, sometimes work colleagues too the ripples go on and on for years.

I am not going to judge you for where you've got yourself....I know from experience that affairs happen even to the nicest people who don't go looking and turn the wrong corner at a certain time in their lives then find themselves "lost". The trouble is you can end up losing everything you hold dear.

Affairs are nothing to do with love, they are temporary insanity and are to do with escapism and fantasy-that's why 96% of affairs never lead to a lasting relationship (I think I read that figure). They are about a latent sense of neediness in the person having the affair, they give you a temporay high which clouds your rational thinking and lets your emotions rule. But this type of exisisatnce cannot be sustained in the real world. You are escaping....from perhaps something in your relationship or even from just something in yourself.
PLEASE stop all contact with this man- the pain of finding out an affair is like a death in the family of someone very close, the emotions all involved go through are akin to grief and it takes years to recover.
PLEASE go see a counsellor for YOU find out what is really behind your actions....you may think it's love...believe me honey it has nothing to do with love and can cause so much destruction in your life to you and ALL the people you love!

You are an adult in this situation who is making choices whatever is at the route of this behaviour you are chosing to take this path...it's no one elses "fault" You are accountable for what you chose to do just as you will be accountable for the consequences- the trouble is (and i speak from the bitter experience of my dh "losing the plot") you cannot think rationally about it now which is why you need to get some help and sort out your head before you destroy everything.
My dh now says he cannot understand how he risked so much for so little and that in the end what he thought he was looking for he already had!
Good people make mistakes....we are all human...but what matters now is how you deal with the mistakes you've made and what you learn about yourself from them. Positive things can come out of this if you take the time to find out what's really going on inside you and then look at your marriage.
3 years on I still on some days feel the pain as if my dh had died!!!but we are also now closer and have a stronger relationship from surviving the trauma together. PLEASE get some help with what's going on inside yourself.

dollymixture- my dh had an affair with a work colleague nearly 3 years ago, we are still together but the ripple effect goes on and on.
As others who've been there have said I cannot begin to describe the trauma and pain that comes with an affair when it comes out in the open.You may think the pain will be for you and your dh but the ripples stretch out....his wife, children, your children, your oarents, siblings aunts uncles etc all get to know, friends get involved, sometimes work colleagues too the ripples go on and on for years.

I am not going to judge you for where you've got yourself....I know from experience that affairs happen even to the nicest people who don't go looking and turn the wrong corner at a certain time in their lives then find themselves "lost". The trouble is you can end up losing everything you hold dear.

Affairs are nothing to do with love, they are temporary insanity and are to do with escapism and fantasy-that's why 96% of affairs never lead to a lasting relationship (I think I read that figure). They are about a latent sense of neediness in the person having the affair, they give you a temporay high which clouds your rational thinking and lets your emotions rule. But this type of exisisatnce cannot be sustained in the real world. You are escaping....from perhaps something in your relationship or even from just something in yourself.
PLEASE stop all contact with this man- the pain of finding out an affair is like a death in the family of someone very close, the emotions all involved go through are akin to grief and it takes years to recover.
PLEASE go see a counsellor for YOU find out what is really behind your actions....you may think it's love...believe me honey it has nothing to do with love and can cause so much destruction in your life to you and ALL the people you love!

You are an adult in this situation who is making choices whatever is at the route of this behaviour you are chosing to take this path...it's no one elses "fault" You are accountable for what you chose to do just as you will be accountable for the consequences- the trouble is (and i speak from the bitter experience of my dh "losing the plot") you cannot think rationally about it now which is why you need to get some help and sort out your head before you destroy everything.
My dh now says he cannot understand how he risked so much for so little and that in the end what he thought he was looking for he already had!
Good people make mistakes....we are all human...but what matters now is how you deal with the mistakes you've made and what you learn about yourself from them. Positive things can come out of this if you take the time to find out what's really going on inside you and then look at your marriage.
3 years on I still on some days feel the pain as if my dh had died!!!but we are also now closer and have a stronger relationship from surviving the trauma together. PLEASE get some help with what's going on inside yourself.

Batty hun how are you? I agree DM keeps saying there is nothing wrong with her marriage and I thereofre smell a rat. If there is nothing wonrg why oh why is she doing this? Affairs are almost never because someone wants something which they get anyway wihtin a relationship. She is obviously lacking something and as others ahve said she either needs to get it in her presnt relationship or stop it altogether.

I do not think she should think of all the innocent victims in this I think she shoudl concentrate on what it is she lacks and needs.

It begs belief really if there "is nothing wrong with my marriage" why upset the apple cart? THere is certainly nothing wrong with my marriage and I am certainly not considering an affair.

DM please stop and think of your kids
Even if you dont have enough respect for yourself or your DH to stop what you are doing with this friend, have enough respect for your kids to stop it now and not pull their lives apart.

DM-Im not going to bang on about what you should or shouldnt do morally.Although i will say that some of the posters on here are certainly whiter than white arent they?
I dont say having an affair is any way a good thing to do.But I do sympathize.(Please no one shoot me down quite yet).I think it is possible to want to be married and have the family and all that and at the same time to want something else.Perhaps you love your husband for all the lovely things he gives to you and the family life and the house and the security and because he's him.Totally valid IMO.And totally seperately in your mind you also love this other man.For reasons different to those you love your husband for but obviously to you they are no less strong or valid feelings.(AGAIN, I reiterate that that doesnt make the situation 'right'-but you know that IMO)
I think you do feel guilty.And I dont think that because you didnt post orginally saying in capital letters 'I feel guilty', we should all assume otherwise and that you are callous and just 'want it all'.I imagine you probably feel quite desperate DM..And its there that I sympathise.
However I do agree that the only sensible solution is to try to choose and stick with it once the decision is made.I think whichever way you go will make you feel heartbroken and you must be prepared for that.
It will be the hardest decision you make.If you stay with your dh and family you will have all that and your life likely wont change all that much.But you will have to live with the fact that you have lied.(Thats not good for anyone but lets face it, im sure its been done before and marriages like that have been eventually happy-again-its not right but its possible)You will also have to grieve for your lover whilst, as you say, still seeing him platonically.If you go with your lover, if thats even a possiblity which it doesnt entirely sound like it is-(has he even mentioned that ever?If not maybe some alarm bells should ring?)Then you will lose your husband and your relationship with your kids will change and probably not in a good way.(I cant remember if you said how old they are-whatever age the effects cannot be positive but if they are babies they will hopefully not remember all the horrid fall out so there would be a case for sooner rather than later would there not?)

I honestly believe that your OP was because you feel desperately trapped in this situation.And yes, before you all go mad, its of her own making.But sometimes you cant help who you fall for.You can help what you do about it and DM so far hasnt,which is where her mistake was.However I think she aknowledges that and is now in the quandry of how to get out of the situation, which is why she posted to start with.

I should also say that I am the child of parents who had affairs etc and yes it wasnt easy.It was awful. Which is why if you check my earlier post I would never do this myself depstie having been tempted.But would living with a Mother who was depressed, heartbroken and resentful have been any better?I truly doubt it.In fact it might just have been far worse.
Sorry this is so long.
Go on you can all have a little go at me now..

scootermum I am not having a go that was a wonderful and caring post and very very sensible.

belgianbun-my post d'you mean?
Sorry you feel that way, was only giving my opinion.Thought that was the point of the thing..