Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

Looks good. I'm overdue a smear by about 3 years. This place is too far for me though.

Sorry to hear that cailin. Hopefully they will expand around the country!

I'm currently really struggling with a) accepting that what I think happened, happened and I'm not just some crazy fantasist (if only) and b) realising how it has affected me throughout the rest of my life. It has had an irreversible effect on my sexuality.

Peppermint - sorry you are struggling. I can relate to the part about affecting your life. I was certain that I was unaffected, but am clearly not and am now wondering about what has been affected. That's a scary thought.

I booked some counselling for tomorrow - but have backed out of it. She asked me what specifically made me think I would need counselling and what current issue I wanted to deal with. And I suddenly felt like I was being silly and I was fine, therefore a fraud.

I had the same feeling yesterday, Filbert, when I was at the doctor's. "I see here you're interested in counselling; what for?" she asked. Total mental blank. Er... Because my head's buggered and there's no funding for anything beyond talking therapies these days?

Of course, what I really want from the mental health services, the doctor, anyone, is to press the reset button. I want a brain that developed normally, without the effects of abuse. I have trouble separating out what's just me and what's down to abuse. I don't remember myself before it, I have no idea what I was like. All I have is a brief statement from my mother: "You were such a cheerful, easygoing child, and then you changed, and we couldn't work out why." It feels like the life I was supposed to have has been stolen. He killed the person I was supposed to be.

Stormy I don't know how you get past that - I guess that's what you might achieve from counselling, but it's hard to pin down what needs "fixing" isn't it? It's just so tangled up...

I just have always felt that I remain unaffected - which is why I have never sought counselling before.. Clearly a way of protecting myself.

When I was a 9year old child I was happy, confident and i loved school. Then my brother began to sexually abuse me. He manipulated me, made me feel I was special and what he was doing was normal. I said to my dp I was sent down a different path than what I was supposed to take. My brother forced me down a dark and seedy path. I lost confidence, hated school, acted out at home.
The hardest part? Not one person noticed or cared. My DM was an amazing person she loved me so much but she let me down massively by not protecting me. My dad was an alcoholic and my mam seemed to be constantly cleaning up his mess.

I hate what my brother put me through and the person I have become because of what he did. I wish him a painful and slow death

I see my childhood self a lot in my DS - loving, inquisitive, giving but also nervous and easily hurt. He comes across as confident but like me he takes everything to heart. I can see how I might have turned out had I had parents who gave a shit. The abuse changed me entirely, but I don't really feel angry about that any more. I've accepted it I think. What I don't accept is that my parents think I am how I am because I'm - they have me painted as various different negative things that allows them to ignore the fact that I needed love and support and they just didn't give it to me. I have somewhat accepted that I can't change their view and have moved on from it but it's hard.

How have you got passed the anger cailin ?
I don't feel it all the time but sometimes it bubbles away and unfortunately I take it out on those closest to me

It seems its so easy for the enablers to label us mad or bad or whatever they think we are.
I've cut my sister out now because for some reason she can't accept that I am angry that she feels sympathy for my abuser.
I do feel sad as well because its just me dp and our two dc. I wish my dc had a big loving family but we don't, dp's family are useless too. I'm missing my mam a lot (as always)

"Not one person noticed ..." - when I was a child I was glad no one noticed, because I knew it was wrong and I was terrified of the dreadful trouble I thought I'd be in if anyone knew. But you know sometimes on here you see threads in which posters are worrying about children's sexualised behaviours? I read those threads and recognise so much of my childhood in there. And then I wonder: how the hell did no one notice? My odd behaviour was just passed off as me being an odd child.

As for anger... Haven't got there yet. Talking about it makes me cry, but anger I think requires a minimum level of valuing oneself, whereas my opinion of myself is so low that it doesn't even make me angry when I'm treated badly, because I don't feel I deserve any better.

Lucy - I suppose I've accepted things and I've decided that my past was shit but future doesn't have to be - I have to let it go or it just dominates my whole life. Having my own children was a big part of that. They take up so much of my energy (and rightly so) that I just don't have energy to be wasting on feeling angry about my past. I have a new life, and this is my children's childhood. I won't let my parents or my abusers spoil another childhood through me. I was parented well but I have a chance to parent other people as well as I can and I'm pouring my energy into that, along with loving myself and repairing whatever damage I can.

Stormy I think recognising that you feel you don't deserve any better is actually a huge first step in changing things. Acknowledging the feeling is the hardest part IMO. You are then in a position to work from there and try to change it - do you think you can do that?

I wasn't parented well

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Sorry I've only been bumping lately. How is everyone doing? If there are any lurkers out there who want to post, you're very welcome. There will be someone here to talk to.

Sorry to leave you hanging there, Cailin. It's been a bit hectic here recently, and I hate writing more than a short couple of sentences on the phone. Finally got on a computer this morning and the thread's dropped off Threads I'm On. Whoops. How are you doing at the moment?

I read this article in the Guardian yesterday. A lot of it resonated. But the description of the therapy process makes me very aware that I still have a long way to go.

You asked if I could try to change the fact I feel I don't deserve anything remotely positive. I've been pondering it, and come to the conclusion that the answer is: probably not. There's a bit of a mental cycle going on, and because I'm stuck in it I can't get myself out of it because there's nothing to use for leverage, as it were. "Feeling like I deserve good things" is something I attribute to real people who are already valued and valuable. Because I don't feel that's an accurate description of me, I find myself unable to do anything that might make me feel like I deserve good things, because only real people get that and I'm not one. I realise that rationally this is probably a bit daft, but I've always been very aware of the disconnect between what I know and what I feel.

And another thing that's been preying on my mind recently is the way I had to police my own abuse. He's deaf, so wouldn't notice if there were, for example, footsteps coming up the garden path. I believed I'd be in such trouble if we were discovered, that I'd have to try to get his attention and communicate to him that someone was coming. I'm not sure I've got the words for the horrible desperation and fear I used to feel then. It's fucked up.

Hi Brid,

Sorry I also left you hanging! That article is very interesting but a little glib I think, it doesn't quite capture the up and down process I think most people go through - it's not as straightforward I think as finding a way through and just running all the way there.

The way you had to police your own abuse - how horrible. I'm so sorry you experienced that.

I know this might seem like bullshit but I actually think the fact that you recognise the process whereby you struggle to feel you deserve good things is the first step in overcoming it.

I'm okay at the self awareness part. I'm okay at working out why I am the way I am and the myriad ways in which my head is buggered. If that's the first step, can someone tell me where the second step is? Because I really can't see what comes next. If the next step is in the direction of an overall improvement in my mental state, then I have a problem: I can't see or take such steps because I don't feel I'm worthy of a normal functioning mind.

I started reading a thread, can't remember where exactly, earlier this afternoon, and counselling was mentioned. Someone said something along the lines of: you can't change yourself unless you're willing to put in a lot of time and effort and hard work. The problem is I don't see myself as worth putting in that effort for. The doctor told me the same thing last month: we each can only sort out our own heads; no one can do it for me. But my head appears to be too broken for me to fix by myself, so I'm just, well, buggered, really, aren't I?

And fixing my head, as a thing that could be done to me - it's just occurred to me I'm framing myself as a passive object. I do it all the time, in all aspects of my life. It's behaviour I learnt as a small child, and I have no idea how to unlearn it.

Have to tried reparenting yourself? I've done that a bit and found it helpful but I know it doesn't suit everyone.

Hi all,

I was here at the very beginning of the thread but I was in a dark place and stopped coming on. I've just come back to say I've just started phyco therapist sessions and feel like I'm moving forward.

Hope every one is doing ok

Sorry to hear you had a bad time Cold, glad that things are getting better.

I'm doing ok, life is pootling along. I'm seeing my 'family' next week, we're staying near them for a week. I have moments of dreading it but we're not staying with them so that should make it easier.

Brid - I hope I didn't piss you off with my suggestion. I know how frustrating it can be when you feel at a loss and everyone keeps suggesting things. I get what you're saying about not being able to move forward.

Not pissed off, don't worry, just haven't had chance to collect thoughts and post. Reparenting isn't something I've heard of. What does it entail?

It basically involves seeing your younger self as a child that you need to care for. It all sounds a bit wanky but I've found it amazingly helpful. You imagine yourself as a child, as though that child were standing in front of you. You see her, not as yourself, but as any child that you might come in contact with. You talk to her, ask her how she feels, tell her she didn't deserve to be hurt, that sort of thing. It's taking the compassion you feel for other children and putting that on yourself as a child. It's easier to do than to try to value your present self as it's one step removed - you can see that child as not really being you but as a separate person.

Does that make sense?

It makes sense, but it sounds hard as hell, because it would involve pulling down so many protective walls I've built in my mind.

I know, it is really hard. But it's a lot easier than other things I've tried. I think it's become easier for me since I've had kids - I look at them and how open and helpless they are and I feel a lot more compassion for my childhood self. I can see more clearly who she was and how things went wrong for her.