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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to fix me...

903 replies

WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 17:46

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 08/03/2015 17:51

It's hard to tell from your post if your relationship is the issue or not. I think the best way to solve this issue is to see a professional who can help you work through your feelings and explore your marriage.

That said I don't think you should be feeling lonely in a marriage. Do you ever get time alone with each other?

Gibbsbasement · 08/03/2015 17:56

Get yourself a copy of 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.

You are not needy that's just him telling you what to think. You are in a lonely place right now and he is using those feelings against you.

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 18:05

Thank you. Off to look up the book.
I do know it's not just our relationship I am easily lonely/sad and constantly seek people or activities out to not feel like that. However...I don't have the lonely issue or feeling unimportant with any friends, just him
Yes we occasionally get time just us two... He is on the phone a lot of it -his business requires instant decisions frequently- and it drives me crackers that We can't talk for very long. He agrees it's frustrating but says it's how it is.

My only tactic is to keep busy in my own little world but I am sad our worlds are so often separate. Am I being ridiculous and thinking life should be like a fairy story too much ? I don't think that, he does tho

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 08/03/2015 18:06

Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently.

This doesn't sound kind. Is this a one-off temper loss or does he talk to you like that normally?

If it's a normal state of affairs, it maybe that he is emotionally abusive or on the tip of being emotionally abusive. It all sounds warning bells to me.

A normal reaction to someone feeling they need more attention or emotional support is not to be abusive.

If it's a one off, then you need to work out what the real issue is. It maybe he is not giving you any attention and you are right. It maybe that you are being a bit needy and feeling emotionally vulnerable and he is right. More likely it's a combination of the two.

Either way, this is not right or healthy or making you happy.

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 18:09

It's not every day he talks like that but yes I do get told I'm crazy/mentalist often enough. It's not at all pleasant but he is right.

OP posts:
Gibbsbasement · 08/03/2015 18:09

Is it just you two at home or do you have children to consider?

Has it always been like this? Or has it changed and how recently?

pocketsaviour · 08/03/2015 18:09

Do you have children? Do you work yourself?

I'm not sure whether he's emotionally abusive or whether he just snapped at you in a moment of anger and stress, but it sounds like the business/career he has chosen is not compatible with being a good husband/father.

It's not unreasonable that you expect your spouse to actually, you know, spend meaningful quality time with you!

Has he always worked these hours since you've been together, or is it something new?

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 18:17

I have four children two have left home and two are grown up enough but not old enough to leave home. Perhaps I miss the huddle and bustle of family of six -certainly I used to be so busy.
I don't go out to work no, i work a little.. I design things for my own business so it's just getting beyond the pocket money stage but not enough to keep me busy. He often rolls his eyes at my pocket money income but I love it.
He has always worked a lot but the last year has seen it increase. He is very driven and loves it being successful but the stress is not so nice :(

OP posts:
Gibbsbasement · 08/03/2015 18:24

Would he consider delegating some of his workload or taking on more staff? This could free up time to spend together.

Why does he need to make calls in the evenings? Does he work internationally?

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 18:34

Yes some of the calls are international but a lot of it is preparing work, planning work, writing lists for work Confused
And of course, as for delegating more, being a workaholic 'nobody does it as well as him' ....

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 08/03/2015 18:38

It does sound like he's prioritising his career over you, which seems highly unfair if that wasn't the deal from the start. Yes money and success are nice but if you don't get the chance to actually enjoy them, what's the point?

Do you think he would consider couples counselling?

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 18:42

No. Because it's all me. It's all in my head and I'm living in a dream world. If he won't come to counselling and this is 'how it is' am I being very very stupid to wish it would change. And what do I do to feel better ? I want to feel okay,not so damn dependant on one persons emotions

OP posts:
Gibbsbasement · 08/03/2015 19:10

So has it always been this way, (your loneliness)? Or more so now that your children need you less?

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 19:15

I'm not sure. I wasn't quite so aware of it before recently. I suppose dh's uber busy life underlines it for me. I do think I should be important enough to him to be top of his list now and again.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 19:16

And thank you for answering/talking. Helps to not go mad silently by myself ;)

OP posts:
LineRunner · 08/03/2015 19:24

That sounds bloody awful, OP. Although your business sounds interesting. Hope you develop it.

jennyperru · 08/03/2015 19:24

You don't sound at all needy, just lonely within your marriage. He on the other hand sounds rude, dismissive and cruel. Don't go to counselling with him, he will make it all about him and you will feel even worse about yourself. Do think about sorting something out for just you though, so you can understand why you feel you should take such shifty behaviour towards you as if it were all you deserved.

Gibbsbasement · 08/03/2015 20:19

Jennyperru is right. You don't sound needy, just lonely.

Have you got a good friendship group? Does your DH have any friends that didn't start out as yours and you now share?

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 08/03/2015 21:10

I have a couple of good friends and a handful more of acquaintance type friends. DHs friends are few and mostly, although I know them and can say Hi etc they are very much his friends.

OP posts:
Gibbsbasement · 08/03/2015 21:48

So you have friends and can get on with people. How often do you see your friends? Does DH 'approve' of them or does he make negative comments?

springydaffs · 08/03/2015 22:13

He sounds horrible. He actually sneers/laughs at your business? What a shit.

He's your problem, op. You poor thing, it must be soooo lonely in your marriage. Why doesn't he just marry the wardrobe. Something nice and inanimate.

I was just watching the beginning of Indian Summer on the telly when I read your op and your marriage sounds like something from that era. Those poor women got through on booze and valium.

Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 09/03/2015 00:07

DH is polite but not as very friendly with my friends and has to be told not to pick holes in them after they leave.

He is a miserable git but he does also have a point - why do I need his approval and his good mood to have a nice day? Needy is a horrible trait ?? and I'm not proud of it.
Haha Springy - Valium and booze eh? I get through on coffee and artwork ;) perhaps I need to rethink!!

OP posts:
Original poster
WaitWhatOh · 09/03/2015 00:10

I see my friends when I can. They all work pretty much full time so my days are still fairly lonely Blush maybe I need to get a job and get out more....

OP posts:
springydaffs · 09/03/2015 00:35

Wait, I'm not sure you're listening here. If he consistently puts you - and your friends - down, shames you for wanting and needing intimacy, sneers at your interests, chides you like a child for being 'needy', effectively trains you like a dog or a horse to be what he wants (silent, biddable), repeatedly and forcefully tells you you are a mentalist/not right in the head, ignores you, puts you way down the list of his priorities and makes it clear that's where you belong and you should learn to shut up and stop being so needy and dependant....

he is emotionally abusing you, he is an emotional abuser, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. EA for short.

Not a laughing matter. Actually, quite serious.

And it seems he's done a good job on you because you insist it is you, you are the problem, you are needy and pathetic, you need to get a life. But if you got one he'd sneer at it. Tell me that isn't true?

As I said above, he is your problem. Yy you may need to address empty nest, a new direction in life by losing 11st dead weight? but that is aside from facing you are in an abusive relationship, that your husband is abusive, an abuser.

Btw those British Raj women who 'survived' on booze and Valium were deeply and wretchedly unhappy. Nothing lighthearted about that.

Gibbsbasement · 09/03/2015 07:55

From the answers you have given to all the questions...

It's not you!

Your DH seems to enjoy being at the centre of your thoughts and really doesn't like to be knocked off the pedestal he has built for himself.

If you have friends: he criticises them and you.

If you pursue your interests: he criticises it and you

You can only speak or do things on his terms. If you remove your focus from 'catering' to his needs he calls you needy and crazy.

I'm sorry, but you are in an abusive relationship and all the things you are experiencing are a means of keeping you under control.

You will never have that feeling of being loved for just being you with this man.

Is this something that you can put deal with? How will you feel when the rest of your DC have left home? I should imagine that the emptiness and silence will be deafening.

What do you want to happen in the future?