I put it to you that you are indeed in an abusive relationship. As I was, and many of us have been. And I'm no dunce either. Abuse creeps up on you - or rather abusers creep up the abuse.
What I'm reading is that he has turned you into a dunce, an airhead, an idiot; to be laughed at, tolerated under extreme sufference, routinely chastened - whipped, to be precise. It must feel like you've been whipped, no?
How do your children view you? Do they, also, laugh at you, routinely 'tolerate' you, roll their eyes at any and everything you say and do?
You sneered/laughed at the tortured British Raj women because that's what he would have done, and does: you have taken on his world view. He laughs at, sneers, at women. Calls women mad, idiotic. He punishes you routinely, it is torture (he knows it is torture, tis why he does it). When he's done playing with you, training you to behave, he carries it on for just a bit more, just to drive the message home (because he enjoys torturing you, it gives him a kick), he lets you back in. Meanwhile you're a gibbering wreck, FULL of self-recrimination. For being... what, exactly? A normal, functioning adult; with needs for recognition, kindness and value just like the rest of us.
HE wouldn't pay for your therapy? He?? What about your money to pay for and buy what you choose like any adult. Any adult that isn't locked up in a prison, that is.
Men (and I use that term loosely) like this loathe women. He's got you all trapped, stitched right up to your eyeballs. You don't even have your own money.