How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

Firstly - didn't mean to be offensively lighthearted about the Indian women on tv. Just being funny in the wrong moment. Sorry. Secondly thank you guys. Despite what you think I do know I am often hard work to live with. I don't handle things well and blurt out feelings. I do expect to be loved and cherished and not always at the most convenient time,i put my hand up to issues I am not remotely perfect or quiet.
Mind you, feel a lot like I'm going nuts here being a 'typical difficult woman' and thinking it's not all me. If I have issues in fairly sure shouting that I am crazy isn't the kindest way to help or support me.
He attempted to talk to me this morning after ignoring me all yesterday. I dont feel like answering him back yet. Because if I do he carries on like everything is normal and If I bring up his shouting he stops listening and shouts at me again. His refusal to listen or even let me speak a whole sentence drives me crackers.

As for the totally empty nest of the future? I can't even think of that.

OP you sound so sad and 'small'.

You are not a 'typical difficult woman', but unfortunately it appears that he is a typical emotionally abusive man.

An empty nest is not your problem.

There is another thread on here at the moment about abuser profiles. It may be useful to you to have read through and see if there are any of your DH's behaviours that you recognise in the profiles.

Then come back to this thread and tell us your thoughts.

BTW I believe the previous poster was referring to the Sunday night drama series Indian Summer(?) on Channel 4 not the horrific Delhi bus rape.

Is he a qualified psychiatrist? Does he have any real qualifications that mean he can pass any serious comment on your mental health?

Probably not.

And even if he did have those qualifications, he could not diagnose you with anything, as it would be against all kinds of protocols.

Abusers ALL, and without exception, call their partners "mad" in some way.

He believes he is ENTITLED to judge you in this way, and not just stop at you....all your friends too. Another typical trick of the abuser.

NONE of this is you. It's him.

It sounds like things have worked so far because you had a busy life with 4 kids, and he was able to essentially ignore family life and you because you dealt with it all and were busy so you could essentially live separate lives without really noticing.

Now you are less busy, it's become more obvious just how detached he is from you and how he prefers it that way. Doesn't sound as if he has any respect for you let alone love.

Will go look at the profiles. Have downloaded and read the book recommended. Very good book. Chunks not relevant but lots quite insightful I found DH is a lot like the 'Mr right' type... but not completly. He's a nice guy most of the time, I just manage to fuck up what I say until it sounds like accusations that he's no good. Then he is furious it's all him and not me. Which is not what I mean.
I fear I have done what he says I always do and portray myself as the oh poor me type. Not my intention.
I DO accept responsibility for managing to piss him off and add to his pressure... I just feel very sad that we have (and will have more so) the kind of marriage where he does his thing and I do mine and we merely smile and nod at each other. I can do that its just I wanted to be more together and couple-y. IYSWIM. Perhaps nobody lives like that really

Just been for coffee with a friend and I have this aching sadness as she talks about normal stuff at her home. I want the silence to stop and for us to be normal. These temper tantrum and sulk periods are absolutely crushing.

Oh.
I hope he does love me. A bit. Or at least did. It would be very very sad to think otherwise.

Ah Queen of the Knight, he knows I was in counselling/therapy for a year or so for insecure issues and hating myself. This was a long time ago and I quite like how I look now. But of course because I was 'crazy'enough to need help it's an easy one to throw at me when cross.

I didn't chide you for being blase about those women, op. I chided you for being blase about yourself - you are going through the exact same thing. Actually, it could be worse for you, because he is abusive and those women's husbands were not necessarily abusive, not just extremely sexist as it appears your husband is.

Those women were deeply and profoundly unhappy, to the point they had to anaesthetise themselves somehow to survive. You are deeply and profoundly unhappy...

It is unbearable to hear you repeatedly blame yourself - for being flakey, inappropriate etc etc etc. He seems to have turned you into a child. Is he your dad? Is it his job to keep an eagle eye on your behaviour and regularly reprimand you for what he deems 'inappropriate'. Who the fuck does he think he is? Mr sulk. Mr shout when he doesn't get his way. Mr ignore and mr abuse.

I assume he's had decades to work on you. You have been abused, op, for decades

Is it tho? He's perfectly lovely usually. He gets quite depressed and I jolly him along. I attempt to understand his work but am no business guru so not a lot of help.
We have a lovely weekend away every May.. he makes an effort to stay off the phone for some of it.
So he's going along in his merry life than along comes me with a lonely need more attention moment. I see why he despairs at me- I do however think he handles it wrong and hate hate being the stupid crazy one always. Even if I AM stupid I don't need to yelled at me.
Yes he does do some serious sulking. It kills me and he knows it. That, that I did see in that book.
I've been with him since my first partner died so about 18/19 years now.

The only thing I really really know is how very tiring it all is. A lot of eggshells sometimes.

OP, please listen to Springydaffs, Gibbs and Queen. I am really sad reading your posts and I recognise a lot of your views from a relationship I had and eventually left.

Esp when your H says "why do you need my approval or my ggod mood to have a good day?" My ex used to say exactly that - the point for me is that his negativity, his criticism, his cruelty - those things harm you, your mood, your day, your self worth, your confidence, your self esteem. You are walking on egg shells trying not to male him unhappy - but does he give a shit as to whether you are happy? No, he doesn't, and him saying things like that proves it....

The Lundy Bancroft book is excellent. Please read more of it as, like the others on this thread, I think you have been horribly abused and mistreated by your husband - the man who promised to live, honour and cherish you. It doesn't sound as though he does any of those.....

Sorry if I sound harsh, but your blaming yourself for everything is just so sad - and it is what he has taught you to do, so that he can keep you exactly where he wants you - at his beck & call, and under his control.

Big hugs OP

I think you would benefit from some counselling. Just to talk through your thought processes and to help you recognise the situation you are in.

I thought about going back .... If I booked counselling he would refuse to pay for it or use it as an 'aha! Told you you are crazy'

I just need to stop relying on him for my good mood. I need to focus on my life and stop expecting him to make my day wonderful. If I stop pushing for attention he can stop freaking out at me, I think. I like the days I don't cry at night and don't feel like such a failure for putting my foot in it again. More of those days needed.

Perhaps a chat with your GP is the best place to start?

Counselling can be free through your GP. Or they could refer you to a local support group.

Yes, you do need to take responsibility for your own happiness but, you should also feel supported by your DH and he doesn't appear to be doing this.

I thought about going back .... If I booked counselling he would refuse to pay for it or use it as an 'aha! Told you you are crazy'

Read up on financial abuse too

DH have been through similar this past year as I finally got fed up with the excessive hours and phone calls etc. We talked, he realised others in his compatible position do far less and had been steadily changing because it wasn't working.

NEVER would he speak to me like your DH has, and we both have equal shares in household disposable income. The more you write, the more I'm getting.

I'm just going to turn around some of what you said in your last post:

You said "If I booked counselling he would refuse to pay for it or use it as an 'aha! Told you you are crazy' " - yes, he might say this because counselling is threatening to him - you might realise how nasty he is. So my bet is that he will do all he can to stop you from going.

You said "I just need to stop relying on him for my good mood. I need to focus on my life and stop expecting him to make my day wonderful." - on the contrary, I think you should be able to expect your spouse to make your world a better place. But your DH seems to make your world a much sadder, bleaker place. If he wasn't there, grinding you down, how much happier would you be?

You said "If I stop pushing for attention he can stop freaking out at me, I think" - you are blaming yourself for his freaking out at you. You are not responsible for his behaviour - he is. He is choosing to behave like this towards you and then choosing to blame you for it.

You said "I like the days I don't cry at night and don't feel like such a failure for putting my foot in it again. More of those days needed." - Days when you cry should be few and far between. A day when you don't cry should be normal, not special. I know what it feels like to stand in a window, crying, and feeling a pit of despair in my belly. I used to feel really happy on a day when my ex hadn't made me cry - a day without tears was a triumph. It shouldn't be - it should be just normal.

It sounds to me as though every day for you is hard work - you walk on eggshells trying not to set your husband off, and you don't sound at all happy, and you are blaming yourself for much of it, and you are even beating yourself up that you can't make yourself happy despite his actions. You deserve more than this. Life shouldn't be a slog, and you shouldn't be worried about your every word/action.

So you jolly him along, support him, take care of his children but you can't have any feelings or needs?
He sounds awful. You say you expect to be loved and cherished as though it's a bad thing. If your DS/DD said 'I expect to be loved and cherished' would you say 'no dear, you should only expect your partner to ignore you, sulk and call you mental.'

?

blimey.
Are you sure, I keep re reading it. Perhaps I wrote it wrong. Or you found the easiest thing to do was blame him. Or I don't know. I can't be in a proper abusive relationship, I'm not an idiot I would know.

Reading what you wrote back sounds horrific.

-sorry. I mean it really just sounds horrific not that you made it sound worse. I was not complaining at you.

I just manage to fuck up what I say until it sounds like accusations that he's no good.

But do you really fuck up what you say? Or do you have to conclude you must have fucked up because he hears it that way?

I have a terrible case of foot-in-mouth myself, so I'm always reviewing conversations to see if there is anything I need to apologise for. Used to do it all the time when XH went off on one - oh no, I've done it again, and he's such a placid easy-going fellow until I upset him. But after a decade or so I began to realise that at least some of the time I hadn't said anything wrong at all - he had chosen to put the worst possible spin on something perfectly innocuous. And after another decade I finally worked out why he did it: to put me on the back foot, so I was always sorry and trying to make up for saying/doing the wrong thing, even when a reasonable person would conclude that I hadn't. Even if I had, a loving partner would have cut me some slack instead of going into a choked rage about what I might have meant by what I almost said. Sometimes, even if I said exactly the right words he knew what I was really thinking...

(Remembering a pleasant family evening once where he suddenly turned to cold fury, only spoke to me when strictly necessary for three days and that was between his teeth. Eventually I couldn't stand it any longer and confronted him. It turned out that he had somehow perceived me saying to one of the DCs in conversation that "Daddy is very good at fixing things" into a mortal insult. There was more to the context but it didn't make any sense in context either. It was so far off the wall I didn't even try to take the blame for that one. The only question was whether he was genuinely paranoid or doing it on purpose. In hindsight I incline to the latter.)

Are you really, really sure this isn't what's happening?

Oh and by the way - accusations of mental illness are one of the standard methods in the Abuser's Handbook which I am fairly convinced must exist, as they all seem to follow a depressingly similar script.

Sorry op another here who shudders at how you describe your h. He sounds truly awful. He can't turn his phone off for even an hour? Really? You're a chattel not an important person to him. I hope you start planning your escape. We'll all be rooting for you

The deep and beautiful irony of me being called "mad", was that I went to my GP, who did not refer me to mental health services, but to Women's Aid.

It is such a massive red flag. It is THAT big a red flag. My GP knew. We know.

And now you are beginning to know, that you are not mad. He is an abuser.

He makes an effort to stay off his phone for a while? Really? Gosh, now jolly big of him.

Is he THAT desperate to be "important"? From here, he just looks ridiculous, and like an abusive bully.

Sorry.