How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

So he cooks once a week and you're impressed? Does he make a big song and dance about it - and you coo and congratulate him, falling over yourself with quiet gratitude.

Let's say he's been cooking once a week for, say, 3 months. That's about 12 meals. Up to your, say, about 7,000 meals, probably more, over the decades. Which you no doubt shopped for. Did he fall over himself and coo with quiet gratitude for all your work. Have you been paid for your work (and cooking is the least of the work you have done for decades).

Who packs for the holidays?

You do know that a servant who isn't paid is a slave, yes? He snipes at you, denigrates you, has you totally strapped financially on every front so you can't even get a teeny coffee shop job; punishes you, lectures you, verbally lashes you, puts the fear into you to the point you are nauseous if he shows you his displeasure. Or even hints at potential displeasure.

Yes he does make a big fuss about the meal. I do try to be grateful without going overboard as yes I cook allllll the time so it's not a big deal to achieve a meal. I'm impressed he does it, as it is not something he's ever been helpful at or good at previously.

This is a weird feeling.
I'm furious at him and the way he make me feel when he lectures at me.
Yet
I find myself defending him almost on here.

What was I? Work wise? Nothing very amazing. A receptionist.

A receptionist.

Able to multi task
Organised
Approachable
Good with people
Able to field questions
Can point people in the right direction both directly and metaphorically

This is a really sad thread OP, please keep posting. You are the epitomy of an emotionally abused woman and you don't even know it . You deserve so,so much more than you've been given over the years ( by the twat of your husband, the bully) Your relationship is incredibly one-sided, you give,give and give more and he takes and takes and takes. You must be exhausted.

I hope you get the fucking rage soon! he treats you like shit! My fav motto at the moment is " fuck that shit" which is what I hope you one day say/think!!

My first thought is this wasn't supposed to be a sad thread. I honestly thought/think many women feel lonely in their relationship and might have some top tips for me. Yes I was cross and deeply hurt. And oh god yes I am exhausted.

Ironically he isn't a twat. I could put money on you liking him if you met him.

I bet I would, just because he can be nice and charming to people,colleagues,strangers, friends doesn't mean he's not a total nightmare of a partner! The thing is, is you see the REAL him. How he treats his long term partner speaks volumes about his character. And it ain't pretty.

All the women I know who are with twats believe that others thinks highly of said twats.

We don't.

And by the way... Get ready for a shock...it's not you! You're being mistreated.

If you have had or still have the displeasure of living with an abuser you become attuned to the little nuances and can spot the buggers in a crowd.

Even though they seem charmed I'm sure some of your friends will be picking up the signals.

Too right, listen to Gibbs.

He probably couldn't believe his luck when he met shy, quiet, sensitive you all those years ago.

But when my abusive bully husband met me I was far from shy and retiring. In fact, he probably saw me as a juicy challenge: someone to unpick, like a mechanic. he succeeded.

there is no obvious profile for someone who ends up in an abusive relationship. We all have psychological and emotional weaknesses, or areas that are sensitive, and abusers use those. in fact, abusers tailor the abuse to the sensitivities of their victim. So the profile that springs to mind, of a shy little mouse being dominated by a big fat bully, isn't necessarily accurate at all. It can be, as it was with you up to a point, but that isn't how abuse like this works. Abusers get into your head like a surgeon and take you apart.

My husband was also a delightful man - apparently. Everyone utterly adored him, thought he was the sweetest, kindest man (as did I until I knew him better).

Charm is deceptive, as the good book says.

I might attempt to see a gp today. I don't know what to say tho. Hello I think I need some help with my self confidence my husband thinks I'm mad. ?

Well... Said with humour that's a start.

You could say that you are unhappy in your relationship and that you would like to pursue some counselling but don't have access to funds to pay for it.

I can't get through.
He's very sad today. He's realised it me not doing the talking.
When I left the house I said bye and he literally leapt on the fact Id spoken and said bye! Have a good day! See you later! In very sad but trying tones so now I'm making him miserable.

When I went, that is exactly what I said. "My husband thinks I'm mad". If your GP is up to date on training, it will be all they need to hear.

I can't stress to you enough just how common that particular line is. I was put in touch with Women's Aid and was in counselling a few weeks later to help rebuild my self esteem. I also did the Freedom Programme, provided by my local authority.

You see, this is such a massive problem, the support services know and are in place.

He isn't sad.....he is aware that he has been rumbled. Now is the time to be very careful. They will do ANYTHING to maintain control. Their flawed construct of themselves depends on it.

Well, obviously he's got his good points! You would hardly have stayed so many years and had children with a non-stop arsehole (unless you had major issues). Leafing through my purloined copy of the (imaginary) Abuser's Manual I see there's some advice on what to do when you've pushed the Little Woman too far, so that she starts to wonder what's going on and may even consider leaving: "Play nice until you've got her blindsided again. Offer her some crumbs of the affection she's been craving. Hint that you might do whatever it is she's been wanting you to do for ages, take some time off work, visit somewhere you've always refused to go, give her a lie-in on Sundays. You may even have to follow through on a few of these until she calms down." Ring a bell?

I'll tell you what I think is probably going on, based on what you said a few posts back. You were the little mouse, he was the big intelligent charming businessman, head of the household, the earner, The Man. Suddenly you're losing weight, gaining confidence, exploring your potential, and he's afraid you have become quite a catch. He has to squash you back into your box quickly before you realise it yourself and, maybe, run off with someone nicer, or at the very least start demanding #shudder# an equal partnership. Whether you had any intention of doing so is neither here nor there. So: tell her she's mad, tell her she's pathetic, tell her she will never manage on her own, and hopefully she will believe it and knuckle back under. Keep her short of cash so she can't afford to run away. Belittle her business efforts so she doesn't believe she can earn her own living. Keep her thinking about me, me, me all the time, studying my moods, how to keep me sweet, so she doesn't have time to think about anything else.

A rational person might consider that treating their other half nicely would be a better way of guaranteeing that they would want to stay; but for some reason your reader of the Manual can't see things from that point of view. Any insecurity drives them straight back into playing mind games. It seems to be the only form of defence they understand, poor dears. If only they didn't make so many other people miserable in the process one could feel quite sorry for them.

As Queen says, he most probably isn't sad. He wants the carefully controlled status quo back; for you to believe he's sad so that you empathise and feel guilt towards him.

Annie said it better (with carefully crafted knobs on)

Hi WWO I hope you are glad you started this thread. You seem a bit shell shocked that we don't agree with your DH. Reading your posts I recognise a lot of the Passive Aggressive responses your DH is giving you. When he knows you want his company he is punishing you with sulking and silences. Now he is uneasy he is being "sad" and making you feel guilty for not playing along and being jolly for him. I lived with one of these types for 24 years. It was very crazy making and I had a complete melt down before I got away.

My advice to you now would be to take it slowly. Detach from the situation and observe things as if you were a CCTV camera filming your life. It will make it clearer what is going on and stop you being dragged in and upset.

I realised that while I was living with Mr Nice he never expressed anger at all, just wound me up with his PA ways so I exploded and did all the shouting and anger for him. Then he could point at me and say I was the one with the problem. Guess what? Living apart from him I am not angry at all!!

Annie.
I feel like I've just been smacked in the face.
That's exactly how it goes.