How to fix me...

[WaitWhatOh]

I don't know where to start, except I know I need to say something or go crazy overthinking. I am struggling massively and pretending it's all fine. I feel so very very unimportant and somewhere around priority 257 on everyone's list. I know -how fucking needy I sound/am. DH is very busy. Works hard, always on the phone even on evenings/days off. Very stressed very important. Kind of pat me on the head attitude towards me. He's far too busy to do much with me, he is home only to work from home or sleep or eat. so I threw myself into activities and hobbies. Trying to keep busy but feeling desperately lonely underneath. Occasionally I attempt to say how I feel and get caught up in some row that always ends up being my fault and me apologising. That man can seriously sulk!! Today he gave me the lecture about being so needy, insecure and 'fucking mental' I needed to hear it apparently. :(
Despite thinking he's an arse for speaking to me quite like that I know he has a point. I am lonely I do want to spend more time with him and I do wish I was fabulously important to him and top of his list some days. What a shallow needy creature I am. What do I do... How do I feel better? how do I fix me?

In my house arguments are over in 10 mins.

Arguments are 100% not meant to last days.

For a start, normal respectful couples who disagree can usually skip the ignoring each other for days afterwards phase. Some of them manage not to call each other "fucking mental", preferring such phrases as "I disagree because..." followed by a clear explanation of their viewpoint. They may even let the other person put their point of view. In the very best families (and I realise this may seem a bit radical) they may discuss what compromise would work best. And then they do that, without fury or ongoing seething resentment.

Yes, people like this, marriages like this, really do exist.

This is ... Exhausting. Why am I so tired just reading websites and trying to sort it all out? I feel really detached from him right now I am just busy with my life and trying not to be around him much. Possibly I haven't the energy to go through another time of him saying 'you are crazy and damaging our relationship you must sort yourself out' Hence the almost avoidance:( I have a GP appointment on Thursday. Slightly terrified to have this put on my notes. And watch them look at and judge me. If they think I'm crazy too I think I'll just give up on everything. Nearest freedom programme is twenty minutes away and I can go next Tuesday. Is it normal to partly think it would be easier not to deal with any of this...

Annie, honestly. I can't believe you.

What can't you believe Wait? When DH does something I'm not happy about, I tell him we need a chat, we sit down, I say "DH, I wasn't too happy when..." he listens, gives his side of the story, either he apologises if he was in the wrong or I see that I got the wrong end of the stick, and then we let it go, have a kiss and move on. He never brings up anything with me, which has been an issue - he tends to just smile and say nothing's wrong when I know something's bothering him. But then he just forgets what's annoying him, so I suppose it doesn't really matter!

Healthy arguments involve both parties hearing the other out, being heard in return, agreeing a workable compromise, and then carrying out that compromise without resentment.

Unhealthy arguments involve trying to gain power over the other (or giving power away to another), and are based on intimidation and manipulation.

Ours are just threats and long ago stuff brought back up ( really hate the fact we can't stay on point for what's wrong. It's got to be all my fuck ups for the last twenty years) mentions of how crazy people should leave the house and kids because he WILL get the kids.

mentions of how crazy people should leave the house and kids because he WILL get the kids.

So he uses threats and intimidation in arguments.

I am glad to hear that you have a GP appointment, and that you can go to the Freedom Programme if you want to.

GPs are here to help. If you come to them because you are having difficulties, they want to give you tools to help.

Of course it is exhausting and a part of you would rather just wish it all away. Of course! This is hard stuff to deal with.

But you've reached this point because another part of you knows that it is even harder to keep on as you have been doing, in an intolerable situation.

Hope you don't believe that. He wouldn't get the kids.

He's a clever man. He gets exactly what he wants.

There's a legal system in place. It'll be the judge of who gets the kids.

Judges tend to have "clever men" sussed. Or at any rate, they use objective criteria - much less use for a clever man's manipulation skills there.

Nah. If I had a pound for every poster on here who said "He's said he'll get the kids cos I'm unfit". None of those guys ever got the kids. They simply can't prove their wife is unfit no matter how charming they are/money they have/fancy people they know. A court isn't interested in hearsay.

Oh Wait. Honestly, arguments shouldn't involve silent treatment, or long ago things being brought back up. My arguments with ex always used to end with me confused, not remembering what it had all been about in the first place, but knowing I only felt worse than I did before we had even started.

It is all utterly exhausting, daily life is exhausting with someone like this. But you are being so brave.

I am so pleased you have a GP appointment. I have a great friend who's a GP, and she commented to me that she is saddened by how many people come to her with this sort of story. I remember crying on her shoulder, and saying that I felt so guilty for moaning and that I felt weak and pathetic, and her saying that she saw me as brave and courageous, and strong. You are all of those things too OP. Your GP will not think badly of you, or judge you.

If he were in the right in your arguments he wouldn't need to dredge up old stuff, throw insults or threaten to deprive you of your children. He'd argue the case on his merits, and he'd win because he was right. When he's wrong he has to cheat.

The courts, as well as GP's have heard it all a zillion times before.

The one thing that really stands out about these men, is how exactly ,and completely identical they are. It is quite extraordinary how the same they are...they use the same words in the same order....every single one of them.

That's why the posters on these threads know.

We have heard it all before. Exactly the same. Exactly.

I'm sorry, I'm kind of punching while you're on the ropes here. It's quite a shock, even if it's kind of a good shock, to hear people saying you aren't the emotionally unstable creature you thought you were. You're going to have to re-evaluate a lot of things you've been believing for years and it's not going to come easily. But your eyes have started to open and very soon you not only won't want to go back into the self-hating cocoon, you're not going to be able to go back.

If you can get hold of a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? please do. Your husband is in there, I guarantee it.

Heart rate sky high as I hear him telling his friends on the phone he -meaning us- will be at a friend of a friends party on Friday night. I don't want to go. I don't think I can cope with going and fake smiles kind of crap but I know exactly what will happen if I say no. Out will come the accusations of my being so insecure and so mad I can't even be nice to his friends.

I'm stuck . I honestly have no clue what I should do in this relationship never mind what I want to do.
Anything my mind comes up with is rubbish.

Take some deep breaths. You've had a lot of information thrown at you in this thread. You probably need to time to consolidate, consider, think, feel. Give yourself some time. Maybe you need to get a notebook, jot things down, read some of the links again. I would definitely advise you to get hold of a copy of "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Keep yourself safe. Go to see the GP and look into the Freedom programme. Baby steps.

Think of this as a learning process. It will take time and investment in you (for a change).

It's taken you nearly 2 whole decades to get to the stage you are now; you can't possibly expect yourself to refocus your views within a few days.

As pp said take some breathing space, mull things over.

I need instructions I'm so rubbish at thinking by myself. I have no clue what to say to DH.
GP first right?
Freedom course is next Tuesday.

Don't say anything to him. Nothing at all. Carry on as normal as much as you can.

As PP have said, you have had reality shift in a fundamental way here. You need to rest, take it slowly for now. See the GP, do the FP and keep posting.

You are not rubbish at anything. You are extraordinary.

You thought for yourself when you came here asking for advice. That wasn't rubbish; it was a positive thing to do.

Here you can get all the support you need with no obligation to tell DH anything at all until you feel strong enough.

Thank you.