He abused the babysitter too... Feeling numb

[Cambridgechick]

First I'll try to link my post from nearly 2 years ago :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1764751-Am-I-deluding-myself-long-sorry

Why am I still here, you may wonder? Fear, weakness, worn down by repeated abuse,all the usual reasons, even a warped sense of love.

But tonight I learned that 6 years ago he made a move on our 15/16?year old babysitter when he was dropping her home. My neighbour, who is friends with the mother, told me. I shook when I heard, it's the way I react to every revelation of his appalling behaviour. I feel ashamed that he did this. I have asked if the mother will speak to me when she's back from holiday. I want her to tell me what he did and then I want to tell him he is a shameful fucking sleazeball with no respect for women whatsoever. And then, finally, I will tell him I've had enough, no more. I just hope my sons are not too damaged, that he has not destroyed our lives, that the babysitter is ok (I always wondered why she suddenly stopped coming) and that has no influence in the way they grow up to treat women.

I'm going to live a pretence for the next week until the babysitters mum returns from holiday. My poor boys, how have I inflicted such a shit of a father on them?

How should I handle this? I want to confront him, but how and when? Will this repeated abusive behaviour have a bearing in the divorce? I don't want him as a role model for the boys. I also think there are likely to be other young women, I think maybe he lost many jobs because of his sexual incontinence. You'll see what happened to one job if you read my old post.

Advice, handholding or a kick up the arse all appreciated. I can't speak to anyone in RL about this, except my neighbour

Please let this be your last straw.

What more does he have to do, what else does he have to show you, what other revelations will you have to be faced with before you end this ?

Why wait another week ? I couldn't wait another minute. Seriously. If you wait another week, you will not do it. Like all the other times you didn't do it, it will slowly sink ust below your consciousness again. Until the next time you are shaking and puking because of the actions of this man.

Nothing but sympathy for you, Cambridge. You are NOT responsible for this man's loathsome behaviour. Your sons will also have had considerable influence from you in their lives so I wouldn't worry about them for now.

Plan your attack, get everything ready so that the upshot is that you can tell him to get out and never come back. What do you need to achieve that? Work backwards and devise your plan.

Handholding, I'm very sorry.

Didn't realise that there was a long history of inertia, Cambridge. Agree with AF that this must be the very last straw. Each time this happens, each new revelation, it damages you as well as the other people involved. If you become too damaged then you will not be able to keep it from your children and it will start to affect them, which is the very thing you're trying to protect them from.

I would agree that a quick ending would be best - you probably have a plan in place already if this anguish is a regular thing. Please don't let your thoughts of asking babysitter's mum distract you from action. It's action that you need now...

Please stay strong for your boys' sakes. You can do it.

Don't wait. What good would it do? Leave him. Then when your babysitter's mum comes back from holiday, you can tell her you know what he did, and you've thrown him out.

I wouldn't be chatting to your neighbour about any of this actually. Why has she told you this, now?

Forge ahead with your plans and discuss them with a solicitor. That's what I would do.

Point taken, As soon as I found out I already started thinking 'I hope I don't just accept this one too', I have been damaged by him and it will take an almighty effort to get away, but I was already making plans that would give me some support and stop me backtracking like last time. You're right that I mustn't put it off. The plan must start immediately - I'm in touch with the children and families team who know my situation and offered to put me in touch with other women, in similar situation. Last time I buckled through pressure from him, esp suicidal threats, and lack of RL support. I also now have a job, so can survive financially and have strengthened my friendships outside the marriage. Everything is there, I just have to make sure my plan is watertight and no chinks in my armour. Can't post much tonight because I'm exhausted and he'll get suspicious. Have 2 b careful

My neighbour is a close personal friend, also a survivor of an abusive relationship. She's a lot older than me and told me 'don't have any more young babysitters'. She's also friends with babysitters mum, it's a small village. Babysitters mum just found out about it, apparently

Cambridge your story is scarily similar to mine, right down to the babysitter whose father started picking her up to avoid XH walking her a few houses down, the masseuse who could never be contacted again, and him wanting me to take the points on my licence. I was ground down after years of other EA and some physical abuse. I discovered evidence of his online dating and even then I thought it might still be ok. But then he started involving teenage DD and messing with her head also. That was my final straw. He has been gone over 3 years, divorced 2 years. It was hard at first, but life is much better. I am happy. You could be too. x

I was sexually abused by an older man (in my case in a position of trust- he was my teacher) and his wife took him back even after truth about me and why be had lost several jobs and another underage girl came out. I absolutely hold her somewhat responsible now she's taken him back as she's condoned his behaviour. Dont be that woman. Leave right now

You are running out of excuses to stay, lovey.

You say your in touch with the children and families team.
Is that part of social services?
Surely this is a child protection issue.
You're keeping children with a person that has sexually abused someone ( or possibly more than one )
It's time to protect yourself and your children op.

Oh Cambridge I remember your original thread

You can do this. You are strong and you've planned and you've got everything you need in place. You've got a job, and friends, and support - and us!

There is no denying that you're going to be in for a rough time. It is going to be difficult. But imagine being rid of this tosser. You are going to be so, so much happier. A few small steps and you can get started. You are going to have a wonderful life

Can I ask if you are really going to leave this time why you are refusing to tell anyone in rl about this?

Given your sons ages and the fact they are male! I am sure your relationship with their father has damaged them, and I wonder wherever they will treat future partners the way they seen their father treat you.

You need to leave now, your boys are not getting any younger and I think your time to make a stand now will be vital for your future and your relationship with your sons.

Thanks all for the reality check everyone - I know what all you are saying is absolutely true, but it helps to have someone tell it to me. Esp thanks to SpongeBob, it's incredible and scary how these kinds of men all behave in the same way. I don't think I will ever feel the same about any man ever again, I feel like they are all abusive because every man I've had a relationship with has been. Staircase, your story is awful but not surprising, my Dad abused me and I'm sure my Mum knew, but she turned a blind eye because she didn't want to rock her VERY comfortable world. She has paid the price, sadly; my brother has a terrible relationship with her because she allowed Dad to hit and verbally abuse him, plus we both suffered major eating disorders and my brother self-harmed and had lifelong depression. The wife in your case will suffer too, she has taken the cowards way. Thank fuck I've not had a babysitter since- I can't believe he had the nerve to act like he'd no idea why she didn't want to babysit again. Fucker.

I haven't been completely inert over the past 2 years, I have built up a network of friends, Im in work, I've restablished contact with my brother who lives locally (DH drove him away) and I have contact with Women's Aid and the children and families team. They advised me I need to get everything in place before I leave him, as he will make my life as miserable as possible and use everything in his power to get to me. I know that, it was hell last time. I think my first step will be a lawyer. I'm not leaving this time, he is. My kids need stability, they need to be in their own home and to not have the schooling disrupted. Middle DS has SATS coming up and I don't have any family locally except DB who lives in town in rented accommodation as his marriage broke up at Xmas. I'm sure that there are people who would like to see DH out of the village, so he will be the one that goes. How/when do I confront about the babysitter though? He must not be allowed to get away with it, part if the problem is he never pays the price for his actions. And this time he must do, I must breAk the cycle before he damages other young women. He's a sex pest and an abusive bully

Cambridge... It sounds as if you just want to rail about the unfairness of your husband's behaviour and how it's impacted on your family. That's perfectly understandable but, what he's done has now impacted on people outside the family and, if you don't extricate yourself and your sons right now, you're in danger of becoming complicit in his behaviour.

Your sons need to see decisive and prompt decisions from you now, there isn't any other option. Your last post is, forgive me, a bit dithery in terms of actions that you are now going to take. It's a little bit of grandstanding rather than an action plan. You don't have the luxury of time now because people know that you know. Please stop focusing on the babysitter, she has her own actions to take if she wants to - if you don't want your boys and yourself tarnished by what happened then leave him - that is the clearest indication you could ever give that this was beyond the pale and you don't accept his behaviour anymore.

What are you actually going to DO? The advice that you're getting from professionals isn't going to be of much help unless you accompany it with action. Do it for your boys, they are your focus.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sadly, he's unlikely to ever change, but you can. Imagine how much you will grow without him clipping your wings.

Get a lawyer who won't let you appease him or take his shit, then get rid.

Maybe the wife has suffered but she deserves to have done as she's complicit in what he did. As I said before dont be that person. You need to leave.

Could you encourage your ex-babysitter to press charges for sexual assault? Go with her to the police, say you back her story 100% and at if it goes to court you will testify against your H?

Draw a line now, tell him he is no longer part of your family. Explain calmly and clearly to your children (in language they will understand) that their father has broken the law and behaved in an unacceptable way and therefore cannot be around you and needs to move out.

Let this be your turning point and please don't stay with him for a day longer. Stay strong and take care.

Cambridge, as you have suffered sexual abuse as a child it is much easier to understand why you have stayed in this relationship. Your dad's abuse and your mum's tacit approval of that abuse must have left you feeling that you are unworthy of a "real" relationship and that abuse is a natural part of relationships.

Have you ever had any counselling to address this? I think this could be really important for you to realise your own self-worth, and also to give you some support as you end this abusive marriage and move forward into a new life of peace and freedom with your DCs.

Please tell some people around you in RL what is happening and ask for support at this time. Does your brother live nearby?

It would be fantastic if the babysitter would press charges.

How are you feeling this afternoon, CC ? I agree with every word that Lying has posted. It is time to act now. You will never be more ready than this. You know what you have to do.

Agree totally with the suggestion above that you speak to babysitter and family and ask if they would consider pressing charges.

You want to get him out of the house - this could be the way.

Actually I don't agree that any pressure or even suggestion should be put to the babysitter to press charges
that is her call entirely, although of course if it is mentioned by her or her family you should say you would wholeheartedly support it to the point of giving evidence against him

CC should get away from him on her own account, not attempt to piggyback on some traumatised youngster

she is the mature woman here and should act accordingly

I've called my solicitor and am seeing her Monday morning to make a plan. I've read all your posts carefully, I don't disagree that I find the 'follow through' hard, but I think this time I will be a lot stronger. The solicitor feels that the babysitter incident raises child protection issues and should make it easier to get him out of the home, but I agree that whether this young woman wants to do anything is her choice not mine.

Pocket, I've never really addressed the issue of my upbringing but it has undoubtedly led to me having 3 relationships with abusive, domineering, philandering men, one where I was raped and had my life threatened. I even had an abusive boss who shouted at me and thought 'I can take it because he's just like my Dad'. My poor Dad was terribly beaten and abused by his father, as were his brothers, so I'm trapped in a cycle that I need to break out of. Depression and MH issues run through our family and my brother is very damaged. Maybe someday when I'm free I'll be able to explore this, definitely before I would even consider another relationship, but right now I have too much else to deal with.

DH just texted 'love you' for no reason, he's also said he wants to cook a 'special meal' tomorrow. Why suddenly am I getting the 'nice' him. Do you think he knows? I feel like he's got 6th sense , it's spooky.