He abused the babysitter too... Feeling numb

[Cambridgechick]

First I'll try to link my post from nearly 2 years ago :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1764751-Am-I-deluding-myself-long-sorry

Why am I still here, you may wonder? Fear, weakness, worn down by repeated abuse,all the usual reasons, even a warped sense of love.

But tonight I learned that 6 years ago he made a move on our 15/16?year old babysitter when he was dropping her home. My neighbour, who is friends with the mother, told me. I shook when I heard, it's the way I react to every revelation of his appalling behaviour. I feel ashamed that he did this. I have asked if the mother will speak to me when she's back from holiday. I want her to tell me what he did and then I want to tell him he is a shameful fucking sleazeball with no respect for women whatsoever. And then, finally, I will tell him I've had enough, no more. I just hope my sons are not too damaged, that he has not destroyed our lives, that the babysitter is ok (I always wondered why she suddenly stopped coming) and that has no influence in the way they grow up to treat women.

I'm going to live a pretence for the next week until the babysitters mum returns from holiday. My poor boys, how have I inflicted such a shit of a father on them?

How should I handle this? I want to confront him, but how and when? Will this repeated abusive behaviour have a bearing in the divorce? I don't want him as a role model for the boys. I also think there are likely to be other young women, I think maybe he lost many jobs because of his sexual incontinence. You'll see what happened to one job if you read my old post.

Advice, handholding or a kick up the arse all appreciated. I can't speak to anyone in RL about this, except my neighbour

Change in tactics. He is alternating between good cop and bad cop. This is to mess with your head. He is in league with the cat, who is doing the same!

Bad start to the day - he'd left me a cup of tea downstairs and I got a message saying he was sad, he hoped I'd appreciate the flowers he planted for me this summer and he'd thought things were on the up. He's been planning to book us a week in Antibes ..... I literally felt a pain in my heart. This was because I responded to his initial text with 'I'm fine, hope you're ok too'. I nearly cracked but phoned my Mum instead. She gave me a good talking to and was really cross, said if I went back no one would support me, reminded me it's all lies. He's behaviour over the years shows the opposite of love, etc. I resisted and did not reply.

Solicitor said that he's fault testing and I need to prepare for the next phase; threats and intimidation. If I get that, we can get him out. It's bloody hard.

Finished the day on a positive, got offered a new job. It's been in the pipeline, but finally came off. Twice current salary (I'm in low paid admin role), school hours, 5 weeks hols and I get Dec and Aug off, paid! It's a miracle, can't believe it's come at just the right time. I'll be able to stand on my own 2 feet financially, not dependent on him, and he won't be able to accuse me of 'just wanting his money'. It's also a step back to my previous profession, with some retraining thrown in. Just need to hold my nerve now....

Great news re. the job

Cambridge Excellent news in the job! So happy for you

Well done!

Hold your nerve, one foot in front of the other, keep it steady and you will get through.

You're going to do just fine, you know.

The big plans always come to the surface when the shit hits the fan. Boohoo for his trip to the Antibes. I'm sure he can go alone. Or with the next woman he feels up.

Warmest wishes
Good luck with the new job, well done you!

Quick update - met DH tonight to discuss practicalities, on 'neutral ground' at solicitors suggestion. He seems to be making plans for his social life, which is a good sign, but no mention of moving out. We discussed regular contact with children and arrangements for Easter hols. Despite earlier threats to cancel, he now seems to be willing to spend a week with Ds's. He did mention, interestingly, that he had 'thought about' taking himself somewhere exotic for a week. Wonder if he will change his mind once he gets the divorce petition next week? It wouldn't look good, would it, if he buggered off rather then spending time with his children?

Note to self: this is where I fell down last time. I wimped out of serving the petition because he was being 'nice'. This time I need to keep up the momentum..... And be prepared for anything he throws at me. So, a back-up plan is required for Easter, I think.

My solicitor keeps reminding me to focus what I want, and how to achieve that. Here it is: to stay in my home (if at all possible), to have some real freedom, which I've never had in 14 years; to go out occasionally, to have friends over, to spend time with my family. In order to get there, he needs to move out. I also want to pursue my career, after devoting 14 years to him and DSs - that will be my real route to freedom, to be able to survive without worrying about his job all the time, because I won't be dependent any more. Sorry if I'm rambling, it's been an exhausting week and I've had a headache every day

So, you have a goal in mind

he moves out

and yet, this evening...there was "no mention of him moving out" and he plans nights out and holidays ...

is that ok with you ?

Keep on keeping on (KOKO).

He needs to move out.
Then Get to the petition.
Serve the petition.

The only way out is through. Keep going.

AnyFucker - no, that's not ok! Menace -so that's what KOKO means... The petition is going tibia solicitor on Monday.

When I checked my emails last night, I discovered that my solicitor has received 2 letters from his, both v reasonable, agreeing that he has to move out but will live separately in the house until he sorts out accommodation. The second, talking about mediation over children arrangements and finances. However, there was a mention about him wanting to know my income - he bloody well knows it's fuck all. I have told him my salary - doing my tax credit calculation I discovered I netted less that 6k in 2013-2014 (and I work bloody hard!) 1/3 of my income now goes on childcare and I pay for everything in relation to the boys. He's convinced that my parents are bankrolling me and wants to use this as an excuse not to support me financially. Luckily, I won't let them . It's morally wrong - why should they when he's on a very good wage? They did buy me a little second hand car 2 years ago so that I was able to work (I live in a rural location and have to drive to school). They also pay for me to have counselling (to help me leave him!) and for DS violin lessons. They did want to help out more, but I knew that when we separated he would say 'her parents are wealthy and support her so she doesn't need anything from me'. They are retired and Dad has Parkinson's so will need a lot of nursing care at some point. They will need their money for themselves FFS!!

This morning I've picked up the usual late night text - I'm not sure I can cope with seeing you, I love you too much, I may have to just not see the boys at all, I can see why some men abandon their families etc, etc, followed by this;

:-((((((

Feeling sorry for him? It made me weepy at first, but now I'm angry! This is EXACTLY what he did last time. He should be grateful he hasn't had his heart repeatedly broken over a 10year+ period with repeated infidelities, as I have. I'll never trust any man again, thanks to him.... He thinks he will break me by saying he will abandon the boys and give me no support as a parent - has anyone else had this and do they follow through?

Sorry for the typos. Today I am going to:

1. Take middle DS to football.
2. Complete the online tax credits calculation.
3. Review the divorce petition so that solicitor can send it on Monday
4. Take middle DS for music practice

He informed me last night that he's away all day at a tennis match (because he 'assumed' I'd go away for the weekend). Tomorrow I will go for a 14 mile training run and give myself the morning off.

He's trying to call all the shots again, isn't he?

Ah this a a change in tactic.

You have been bad mum, social services were to be called less than 1 week ago. It didn't work.

Nice man didn't work.

Mr reasonable email didn't work.

Mr, I'll worry her and mention money, implying I will get out of paying maintenance, didn't work.

Now you are making him teary so not seeing the kids is his only option to stop his pain (fuck what is right for his kids - it's all me me me).

I believe a reply of ' that's a shame but that is your decision' may be the way forward. He hopes your love for your kids will mean his threat of not seeing them, will cause you to ask him to come back! I don't know how he dares leave his kids with 'bad mum'! Shows you his words are meaningless and just used to hurt you and make you upset and confused.

Mr angry is coming, just to warn you, my arse of an ex kept that one up for ages. Prepare yourself, the first sniff of anything, get him out, police, restraining order etc. do not hesitate.

These types are very predictable. Keep all texts and write down the tactics he is using, it will show you how he alternates.

Good. He's out of your way today.

Don't worry about his thoughts or feelings or future actions. He'll do what he'll do. You do what you need to.

At some point there will be a financial disclosure from both sides. Doesn't need to be now and doesn't need to be one way.

His new busy social life is to show you, a) that he has stuff to do b) that he can cope without you. C) you are left holding the kids - with an underlying tone of, this is what you wanted, get used to it. D) he wants you lonely and feeling isolated.

Ignore and smile. Hard to do but practice. Invite friends over, do something fun, don't rely on him having the kids, record his disinterest in them and if he is unreliable record this too.

His tactics are boringly predictable. Expect Mother's Day to be ruined in some way.

KOKO.

Keep the end goal in your sights. You with your boys. Safe with no stress. Financially independent. Able to spend time with your family and friends.

Forget about his tactics. SS? He doesn't have a leg to stand on. I wouldn't be surprised if his sudden shift to being reasonable is because he knows that if you take things further re. the babysitter he could be arrested.

Stay strong OP.

Ha! I've been here before and won't fall for the tactics this time.

I'm also writing everything down and keeping all texts.

I am smiling, too, because it's a sunny day, I've got a day with the kids, tomorrow I'll go running before he's even awake and I've got plans for the rest of the day, not involving him.

If he messes me and the boys about, it won't help him in the divorce. Hopefully his solicitors will put him straight - I will let mine know about every text.

And if Mr Angry shows his face - injunction and he's outta here!

Nice positive update Cambridge! Have a fab day!

mr angry, Mr teary! Makes him sound like a variety of sinister Mr Men!

Threatening to cut himself off from the kids is just another Bingo card

Any father that could threaten that suimply because he doesn't get his own way is not worthy of the title

It's unlikely anyway, because when he does move out he will use his contact with them to further yank your chain. And if he does fuck off never to be seen again, that would be too much to hope for right now

I've just read this thread and couldn't not say how INCREDIBLE you're being.

I really hope everything works out for you, new job will be the start of many amazing things to.come.

Stay strong chick!!

If nothing else, know this:

He is absolutely, boringly textbook with his changes in tactics. Expect extreme anger and vitriol interspersed with suicide threats as the next phase.

In any weak or indecisive moments - just remember he is willing to not see his own children, your precious beautiful sons, simply to get back at you.

To win.

He doesn't even care about them let alone you. He only cares about HIM. Honestly, that's the truth. All the threats and bollocks about social services, his love for you blah blah blah is just that - bollocks, hot air and gubbins.

Lots of love and strength.

Jumping in to echo last night

You are being amazing.

Mr angry is due but you can cope!

for a brave lady

KOKO x