He abused the babysitter too... Feeling numb

[Cambridgechick]

First I'll try to link my post from nearly 2 years ago :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1764751-Am-I-deluding-myself-long-sorry

Why am I still here, you may wonder? Fear, weakness, worn down by repeated abuse,all the usual reasons, even a warped sense of love.

But tonight I learned that 6 years ago he made a move on our 15/16?year old babysitter when he was dropping her home. My neighbour, who is friends with the mother, told me. I shook when I heard, it's the way I react to every revelation of his appalling behaviour. I feel ashamed that he did this. I have asked if the mother will speak to me when she's back from holiday. I want her to tell me what he did and then I want to tell him he is a shameful fucking sleazeball with no respect for women whatsoever. And then, finally, I will tell him I've had enough, no more. I just hope my sons are not too damaged, that he has not destroyed our lives, that the babysitter is ok (I always wondered why she suddenly stopped coming) and that has no influence in the way they grow up to treat women.

I'm going to live a pretence for the next week until the babysitters mum returns from holiday. My poor boys, how have I inflicted such a shit of a father on them?

How should I handle this? I want to confront him, but how and when? Will this repeated abusive behaviour have a bearing in the divorce? I don't want him as a role model for the boys. I also think there are likely to be other young women, I think maybe he lost many jobs because of his sexual incontinence. You'll see what happened to one job if you read my old post.

Advice, handholding or a kick up the arse all appreciated. I can't speak to anyone in RL about this, except my neighbour

You live in a small village, wouldn't be surprised if he's got wind that some beans have been spilled...

Make sure he's not reading this.

They do tend to pick up on subtle changes. My STBXH started being very nice as soon as I made the decision it was over but before I had told him.

I think the sooner you can get him out the better but I am 10 weeks down the line still waiting for him to move out, although mine is just a dick not a perv. I hope things get sorted out for you soon

This morning I'm thinking about the babysitter. It's so long since he and I went out that it's hard to remember, but we had another babysitter after that girl. Her Mum was a friend of a friend and her Dad worked in CID, dealing with serious sexual offences. She came to help when I went to an evening class, and her Dad used to collect her. He worked out A LOT and I remember DH making derogatory remarks about his pumped up physique. I can't remember if DH had any contact with this girl alone. I feel like I should contact the Mum and ask. She's lovely and maybe her DH could advise on what to do with regard to DH's behaviour towards young girls.

I keep having momentary wobbles and talking myself out of it. I remembered myself being leched on by a man in his 40s when I was 15 and on a French exchange trip. He was the next door neighbour and a policeman. He used to take me out on his police bike, I remember driving down the highway at 80kph with no helmet and feeling terrified. I think this was an excuse to have me clinging onto him for dear life. I was never alone with him, thankfully, but remember being surprised that his wife tolerated this behaviour. He made his feelings towards me quite clear - to my 15 year old self, she seemed like a downtrodden mouse of a woman......

I guess I had been 'pre-groomed' by my own father. I literally feel that every man in my life has been a sexual predator. Do all mean have this in them? Why do I only seem to meet the bastards? I genuinely thought that my DH was not like that. He faked the 'undying devotion' thing so well in the early years.

This w/end I don't have to see him much, lots of commitments with the kids, so I'll only see him Sunday afternoon but that will be taken up with homework, which he never gets involved in. Monday can't come soon enough......

I would bet he had nothing too do with that girl.
Predators can spot a victim and a young girl who is collected by her father, a physically strong policeman, is not, at first glance, a 'good' victim.

As a parent you have a duty to leave him and protect your children. No excuses, no delays.

Did your dh eventually get another job chick? How are finances etc at the moment?

He seems like a serial cheat. He just cannot seem to help himself.

I doubt his wYs have got anything to do with you but it's rather just who he is. Maybe he likes the thrill.

I saw on your other post about you not using the heating etc and him blowing your inheritance.

He isn't a good person OP.

I guess I had been 'pre-groomed' by my own father. I literally feel that every man in my life has been a sexual predator. Do all mean have this in them? Why do I only seem to meet the bastards? I genuinely thought that my DH was not like that. He faked the 'undying devotion' thing so well in the early years.

Cambridge, no not all men are abusive. In fact I would say there are far fewer abusive men than good ones. However, when you have been trained as a child to accept abuse, there are certain characteristics and behaviours you display which abusive men notice and will mark you out as someone who they can control and abuse further.

When an abusive man meets a woman, he won't know whether she makes an ideal victim or not. So he will start to use small controlling ways and see how she reacts, for example "I don't like you speaking to men, men and women can't be just friends." A woman who has not been victimised before is likely to laugh in his face and bin him off. But a woman already conditioned to abuse is trained to try to please, and she will accept his control and drop her male friends. He then knows that he can continue abusing her and she will most likely just put up with it.

It can be much harder for those who have been abused in childhood to walk away, as we tend to have low self esteem and not believe we are worth anything else; our family units are generally unsupportive and we find it hard to make friends, so there is a lack of people around to give us a reality check and help us get out.

This can change with dedicated counselling and hard work. I'm so pleased to hear you say you will look into this once you're free. Please don't put it off because you deserve to know that you are a good person who is entitled to peace and happiness. And once you come out the other side you will be so strong, because you'll know what you've been through and how hard it was.

I don't have any practical advice about divorcing (thankfully the abusive relationships I've had have not involved property or marriage) but I'm rooting for you.

You have had a gruesome time and you know what you need to do.

As you referred to your earlier thread I have read your other threads too. Your H is like a parasite slowly sucking the life out of its host. On top of that he is screwing up your DCs' environment. He is no role model. Your eldest has displayed OVLCD traiits and has even told you that you are suffering abuse. I thought that was sad enough until I read your youngest has been slapped or hit hard enough for the marks to show afterwards.

Please make this the year you get rid of H. And bearing in mind his sudden sweet talk is there any way he knows you post here? Do be very careful with logging off MN and internet history in general.

Sorry that should have said "OCD traits".

pocketsaviour that is so insightful. I've never been abused, or in an abusive relationship, anger issues yes, but no other red flags (controlling, sexually aggressive, feeling entitled to waste my money or any of that) and he has his anger under control now. Shines a light on a few women I know, (who I know had abusive childhoods) and there relationships since (some quite messed up, choosing crazy partners over their own kids etc probably what their mothers would have done faced with the same choice, now I think about it more).

Op please leave this man. You deserve better. Don't be the downtrodden mouse he would love you to be. Sort out the legal side with your solicitor (check that you can have him removed) then tell him exactly what you think of him and kick him to the curb. I think you should talk to the babysitter or her mum, and make it clear you believe her and will not be staying with this b*stard.

F*, just typed a long message and lost it.

Quitelikely yes he is a serial cheat with a massive ego and a self-esteem as small as his prick. He got another job, which he lost before Xmas and got paid off a significant amount which cleared a lot of the debt. He now has yet another job on a higher salary, he earns 5x my salary despite not having even an A level, whereas I have a degree and a prof qualification. On his CV he does lie and says he has A levels.... (Not really relevant but thought if mention it)

Pagwatch, agreed, the other babysitter was the daughter of a single mum, so easy prey I guess. BTW, I spoke to a friend tonight and she asked whether I thought it had been consensual between him and the girl. Is she mad? Maybe I'm being unfair but I felt quite cross.

pocketsaviour, yes that's just how it happened to me. Didn't know that difficulties making friends was connected though.

I've found babysitters mobile no. Don't know if it still works. Should I text her and express regret/support, or is that intrusive?

Sometimes I think I'm slightly addicted to the 'adrenalin high' of the abuse. I almost feel a 'release' when something awful happens to me. Being treated badly feels familiar, like an old shoe. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. I simply don't know what a 'normal' relationship feels like. My whole childhood was Dad having unpredictable, uncontrollable rages, and I know he got a release from reducing me to crying and pleading, so eventually I learned to 'fake it!, which made me feel I had control over him, which of course I didn't. I also used to provoke him, to divert an attack on my brother. How f*ed up is that?

Cambridge I really wouldn't contact the sitter.

I would be quite worried about a knock at the door from the police if she has told her mother. It maybe something that the mother is considering. It may be that the girl really likes you and the dc and did not want to cause trouble for you.

I am pleased you financial troubles have eased.

Bless your soul. You have endured so much through this wretched man and throughout your life. I think at some point you will manage to escape. I do worry that your children are becoming conditioned to thinking he is a normal father as he isn't an ideal role model and you know yourself what we see growing up affects our later relationship choices.

You are caught up in a nasty abusive cycle where your normality is blurred owing to your upbringing.

I'm sending you virtual strength and courage. One day you will be free. One day.

I know you love him but his idea of loving you is rather hurtful. It's no kind of love. I do think some form of counselling might help you open your eyes and see the situation more clearly, change your perspective and so on.

Pocket that describes the abuse towards me and why so well. Thank you. Cambridge I really wouldn't contact the baby-sitter, others have said it's not a good idea also. My situation regarding my father was very similar. A large farming family, all beaten by my grandfather. My father was a bully, and so I married a bully. Not once, but twice. Chick I really think that your H might be onto the thread. I discovered mine was, so I took the thread to a different place. I can PM you about this if you like, but please no-one refer to it on thread, as this just alerts all the aresholes out there to it's presence. I also had to change my MN name, as he has continued to cyber-stalk me even after marrying another woman.

SpongeBob I PM'd you

Ok, have replied.

with respect to the poster who commented on the other babysitter, I think that if you can you should ask. It's an incredibly difficult thing to do but that girl could have had something happen and could be suffering the effects of it now.

You asking her mum if anything happened - well if it didn't then good. But if it did, it could long term help that girl immensely. Sweeping sexual abuse under the carpet does bad things. Acknowledging it if somethign happened does help.

Well, I saw the solicitor today and I made the decision. Tomorrow morning I have to text him to tell him I know about the babysitter, I am initiating the divorce and I want him out of the house by Saturday. This is to avoid me getting drawn into any discussion with him and to protect myself from the inevitable backlash/anger/begging/etc which I just could not cope with last time.

I was incredibly calm with the solicitor, but totally broke down this afternoon, uncontrollable shaking etc. I'm just so scared what will happen, no one can help me I have to do it on my own.

I found out babysitter is now 21, youngest DC is 7, think they were 2 at the time, so she was prob 16. I am still considering whether to try messaging / maybe after I've 'done the deed'.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I am lined and old looking, he is the picture of health. I have ground myself down and wasted my youth on a man who treats women/girls like meat. No better than his repulsive father.

Tomorrow my parents are coming for the afternoon. When he texts back, I will have someone with me. I will have to move my stuff into DS room and use the sofa bed, to avoid any confrontation about that. If he sends me nasty texts I will call 101. I'm also going to tell my next-door neighbour to call police if DH kicks off. I'm ok now, but tomorrow is going to be an awful day. A couple of times I caught myself thinking 'it really would be easier to just die rather than do this. I'm at such a low ebb already, if he pushes me too far I may have a breakdown. The stress is just too much to bear. I hope I'll be ok tomorrow, trying not to think about it :-(

Rooting for you. I will light a candles, and send you good vibes x

CC I hope you keep to your plan. Get your life back and get rid of this lowlife for good. You will feel better afterwards and not regret it I guarantee.
Life shouldn't be like this. I was a single mother for many, many years, short of money etc. and it was just fine. Things slot into place, people pop up to support you, life changes and you will soon laugh and enjoy the good things in life and the freedom from abuse.
Thinking of you today.

Just spotted this thread. You have a difficult job to do today and it will be totally liberating to tell him that you know what a piece of shit he is and that you no longer want him blighting your life

Thinking of you, be brave and KOKO