He abused the babysitter too... Feeling numb

[Cambridgechick]

First I'll try to link my post from nearly 2 years ago :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1764751-Am-I-deluding-myself-long-sorry

Why am I still here, you may wonder? Fear, weakness, worn down by repeated abuse,all the usual reasons, even a warped sense of love.

But tonight I learned that 6 years ago he made a move on our 15/16?year old babysitter when he was dropping her home. My neighbour, who is friends with the mother, told me. I shook when I heard, it's the way I react to every revelation of his appalling behaviour. I feel ashamed that he did this. I have asked if the mother will speak to me when she's back from holiday. I want her to tell me what he did and then I want to tell him he is a shameful fucking sleazeball with no respect for women whatsoever. And then, finally, I will tell him I've had enough, no more. I just hope my sons are not too damaged, that he has not destroyed our lives, that the babysitter is ok (I always wondered why she suddenly stopped coming) and that has no influence in the way they grow up to treat women.

I'm going to live a pretence for the next week until the babysitters mum returns from holiday. My poor boys, how have I inflicted such a shit of a father on them?

How should I handle this? I want to confront him, but how and when? Will this repeated abusive behaviour have a bearing in the divorce? I don't want him as a role model for the boys. I also think there are likely to be other young women, I think maybe he lost many jobs because of his sexual incontinence. You'll see what happened to one job if you read my old post.

Advice, handholding or a kick up the arse all appreciated. I can't speak to anyone in RL about this, except my neighbour

Hope you are having a good day.

Glad you are doing well Cambridge! Ups and downs but you'll get there!!! Enjoy your day

Okay, so onto the next tactic....

Having been out all day (he got thrashed at tennis), he sent a long text saying he was very unhappy I'd essentially told eldest the truth about why we were separating. I'd no right to do so, I had turned DS against him, it was inappropriate. I'd already told him I took advice from Head teacher about what to say. My solicitor also told me that this was not a normal 'tell the kids together' situation. DS has not turned against his Dad; I think more damage has been done to their relationship by him pushing/hitting DS and then lying and saying he'd done nothing. Also last w/end, eldest DS called his Dad 'retard' (I really hate that word) in frustration and DH retorted 'Yes, you are one'. Nice.

His second grumble was about money, he was asking if my parents would buy him out (why would they?) and expressing 'concern' that after he'd bought a flat in town they'd be little for DSs and into live on.

He does NOT need a place in town, it's very expensive and there are plenty of cheaper places nearby where he could get a small house. 3 boys cannot stay in a 2 bed flat (or was that the point?)

He also talked about WHEN I'm forced to sell the house and downsize, where am I going to live. I have options, I may be able to afford to stay here with my new job, I could convert the office and take in a lodger/student. It's IF, not WHEN - he's trying to scare me into believing I'll be poor and living in a shit house. Even if I did, it would be a shit house without him in it. He also says that the finances need to be sorted out 'sooner rather than later'. Why?? To suit him of course. I'm happy to wait for mediation and I've no intention of being pushed/ bullied/ rushed into anything. Apparently we also need meetings at least weekly to discuss stuff and I am not to tell DSs anything unless approved by him.

It's all about regaining control. I wonder what he'll do when this doesn't work? I'm not looking forward to it

Thanks for all your. They cheer me up

'Dear H,

I think you seem very confused about division of marital assets, and finances. You consistently seem to think that my parents' finances are somehow relevant to ours, which of course they aren't. I think it's probably even more important then that we wait for mediation and get as much help as possible with a fair division of the assets which takes into account the boys' living arrangements, etc. On that, I wouldn't worry about flat costs in town - no need to move away from here, there are plenty of cheaper places nearby, where you could indeed afford a small house with room for all. Likewise I'm more than aware that I also have various options to explore re housing, which I'm quite happy with.

We don't need a weekly meeting: any concerns or things needing discussed will be done by email, which then creates a useful record for us both. On DS, I will of course abide by my own judgement and that of the school on how to speak to him and about what, rather than that of someone who casually refers to him as a 'retard'.

I will set up an email for future correspondence. Yours, Cambs.'

It amazes me just how stupid these men think their wives are. Or maybe they just think that they've done a good job at making the wife believe that they know what they're talking about, which I suppose is true in a lot of cases. Still boggles the mind.

I knew I'd wake up to a common sense message from MumsNet. I loved Sylvanian's suggestion.

Smillas, you got it right in your second sentence: he thinks he's brainwashed into believing he knows it all.

Problem is, I'm still afraid to stand up to the man. He's a bully, he bullies me, the DSs and he does it at work too. He also hates losing.

I will need to make a stand and send something along those lines, I can't ask the solicitor to do everything for me. It will be too expensive, plus I need to show him that I can stand up to this shit.

I think I will do it first thing on Monday, and by email to put a stop to this ridiculous texting.

Last time we split up, the first thing he told his solicitor was 'her parents are wealthy'. He's determined to get as much as he can, and clearly is planning to set himself up in a nice little bachelor pad, close to his very expensive gym.

happy Mothers' Day everyone, I'm heading out for the morning, my first break in a week.

Happy Mother's Day!

God, don't you know, he deserves a bachelor pad by the gym!

He's using money to make you panic.

Is he likely to be violent? You need to alert the police if so. He thinks he'll talk you round still.

Have a great morning.

Well unless he's married to your parents, them having money has fuck all to do with it. Happy mothers day!

CC you are stronger than you think. Great idea to take everything to email then there is a record of his ridiculous attempts to manipulate you. Your parents owe him nothing

Syl you are fantastic at this stuff.

I think Sylvanian's email is fantastic, I'd probably cut it down a bit, and take out the bit about the son/retard as you want all written correspondence to be to the point and never grounded in spite or revenge etc.

It really makes my blood boil that he thinks your parents should buy him out! WTF...how outrageous (and stupid).

He is soooooooooooooooo predictable. Ignore as much of his communication as possible and respond only to the points that really need it and yes by email only.

Also get your ahead around the fact that even if he chooses to buy a studio flat it will not harm your kids to camp out a couple of night a fortnight on the floor. Them not staying over because he is a nasty bully and they don't want to spend time with him could be far more relevant!

You are doing amazingly. You can see everything for what it is.

I agree with Randommess... Only reply to what you need to..Anything else he is going to twist and turn into an argument and then try and blame it on you.

enjoy mothers day

Please send Sylvanian's message, it is damn near perfect.

Another vote for Sylvanian's email. Bullies bully right up to the line you set. You need to set one a damn sight further out, and her email does so beautifully.

You are doing brilliantly. He's disgusting.

Incidentally given his abuse do you think shuttle mediation - separate rooms - might be best for you?

Hi everyone, I've had a great day so far, a 14.6 mile run with 3 lovely friends (not everyone's idea of fun, I know!), my furthest ever, and then coffee and cake with my neighbour. We chatted about our abusive DHs and offered one another support. She has been to mediation, but it was discontinued because of her DHs behaviour. She recommended which mediator to use, which was helpful. It may be that my DH is also not able to mediate because of his controlling approach - I've never heard of shuttle mediation before.

I think I will use Sylvanian's email tomorrow as the basis of my response to DH. Alarmingly, I noticed that he has put both our initials in the calendar for tomorrow night - presumably for his 'discussion'? I will run the email past my solicitor before sending though, just to sense check it.

I spoke to my DB today (also going through separation) and he said he records everything relevant in a draft email in a secure account. As I've had DH find my notes in the past, I think that's a good option for me. A new email account he doesn't know of would be extra secure.

Yet another tactic had emerged - physical contact. Last night he unexpectedly gave me a peck on the cheek. Today, I walked into the kitchen when I got back and he hugged me, whispering 'I love you' In my ear. I did not respond and walked out, my DM thinks I should push him away but I'm anxious about the repercussions, so I'll just have to make sure I'm not alone in any room with him. I'm aware that may not be enough, so if it persists I'll have to screw up my courage and say 'please don't do that'. In the past, any rejection of his advances has led to swearing and a horrible atmosphere, which makes me not want to do it.

I need to reinforce all my boundaries and he will find that I am totally unwilling to discuss finances at this early stage, and not outside mediation. He'll probably retaliate by fucking around with our arrangements for childcare. I also want to insist that whilst he's living here, I want Thursday evenings and Sunday mornings off. Can I do that or can he just refuse and do whatever he likes? I've been invited to a friends birthday party after Easter but don't know whether I can go - he can refuse to look after DSs but I can't get a babysitter whilst he's here. It's not on

Will a friend have your children at their house? If you ask him he may say yes and then let you down. (This is likely). You could bluff him and say you are taking the kids away for the weekend - insert names of old friends - he may get uppity and insist they stay with him...

The I love you and kissing is another tactic. He doesn't believe you. Please expect him to get arsey when he realises you mean it.

Have you got a spare bedroom to stay in?

Sylvanians email is great!

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm shuddering for you.

Personally I'd be crossing my initials off the calendar as soon as the email is sent but I appreciate that you are wary off doing anything to inflame his temper & anger.

I agree with arranging for the dc to go elsewhere.

You can make him act reasonably and helpfully about as much as you can now, probably less.

Does that answer your question?

I've had plenty of people offer to have DSs and could take them round there for the evening.

Arsey is not even going to begin to describe his reaction when he gets the divorce petition. I've just read it and it doesn't mess about! It describes aggressive and controlling behaviour, sexual harassment of colleague at work and active dislike of my friends and family. He's not going to accept any of it, I imagine. I'm a bit worried I won't be able to remember all the details of his bad behaviour if I need them; I threw away my notebook when he found it. Luckily, I can look back at my old thread and also ask friends and family to jog my memory. I think I blank a lot of stuff out, as a coping mechanism.

Hard though it will be, it may be best if he does kick off and I can then get him out. It will be easier than living with him while he tries to get everything back to the way he wants it and I'm having to fend off his advances.

43percent, I'm sleeping on sofa bed in DS2s room. I'm very happy to do so, because it will stop any late night shenanigans. It also stops him whinging about being kicked out of the main bedroom.

You're doing good, Chick. Keep on as you are. It's all tactics. You're seeing the range. In among the apparent 'good guy' you are also seeing the selfish arse for what he is. Needing to be next to his expensive gym, trying to make you anxious about money etc, so he is not able to keep up the pretence very long is he? My XH did this as well, also preyed on my anxiety about a neighbour problem we had going on at the time. None of these 'threatened' scenarios came to pass. I sorted the neighbour problem out myself, indeed I think XH had become part of it, by allowing me to the one who was 'difficult' whilst he was such a lovely guy.... Financially, I was no worse off in the end, kept the house, managing to buy him out. By that stage if I had to live in a shed somewhere to get away from it and distance him in our lives it would have been worth it. Running sounds like an excellent way of keeping the stress manageable. Keep it up, you're doing good!

Crap day really, couldn't focus well at work, had to agree the petition which has been sent to his solicitor; worried about his reaction to that. Sent a toned down version of Sylvanians email but I should have known better - HE ALWAYS HAS TO WIN. It is no good trying to be firm with him because he's always too forceful.

He is insisting that we still talk tonight, doesn't see the need to discuss by email, we will talk and then confirm by email. He's also backtracked on mediation, although I contacted the mediator today and booked an appointment, as per his solicitors suggestion. He's going to be working late all week and away Friday/Saturday but would like to see DSs Sunday, he has booked his summer hols but will only see them for 1 week (exotic holiday for himself the other week, presumably). He also won't be told where to live; he's consider either in town or Greater London, but not local to us.

Feeling

Let him insist, you can say no. Dig deep and find the strength, it will send a clear message that you won't be bullied anymore.

Also - what an arse.

"I'm only will discuss this in writing, goodnight"

"He also won't be told where to live; he's consider either in town or Greater London, but not local to us."

Well... yes, it's up to him to decide that. He can spend what he wants with his half of the equity, as long as he can cover the maintenance payments.

Make a note to yourself of how little he values his DS's that he is happy to move far away and make contact problematic. when you have a wobble, remember this moment.

Start girding yourself up to say "no". I know this is really difficult right now, but it's time for you to find your voice. He's had it his way for far too long. If he touches you, move away and say "no". If he says "I love you", I'd be tempted to reply "I couldn't be less interested" but that's me