He abused the babysitter too... Feeling numb

[Cambridgechick]

First I'll try to link my post from nearly 2 years ago :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1764751-Am-I-deluding-myself-long-sorry

Why am I still here, you may wonder? Fear, weakness, worn down by repeated abuse,all the usual reasons, even a warped sense of love.

But tonight I learned that 6 years ago he made a move on our 15/16?year old babysitter when he was dropping her home. My neighbour, who is friends with the mother, told me. I shook when I heard, it's the way I react to every revelation of his appalling behaviour. I feel ashamed that he did this. I have asked if the mother will speak to me when she's back from holiday. I want her to tell me what he did and then I want to tell him he is a shameful fucking sleazeball with no respect for women whatsoever. And then, finally, I will tell him I've had enough, no more. I just hope my sons are not too damaged, that he has not destroyed our lives, that the babysitter is ok (I always wondered why she suddenly stopped coming) and that has no influence in the way they grow up to treat women.

I'm going to live a pretence for the next week until the babysitters mum returns from holiday. My poor boys, how have I inflicted such a shit of a father on them?

How should I handle this? I want to confront him, but how and when? Will this repeated abusive behaviour have a bearing in the divorce? I don't want him as a role model for the boys. I also think there are likely to be other young women, I think maybe he lost many jobs because of his sexual incontinence. You'll see what happened to one job if you read my old post.

Advice, handholding or a kick up the arse all appreciated. I can't speak to anyone in RL about this, except my neighbour

Thinking of you CC

Can't think of a single reason to stay. If you don't go now you'll never go.

Hope you are okay.

How are things? Keep strong.

I hope you are ok cc

Hoping you survived your very difficult day Cambridgechick you know you have huge support from MN community, & will get good advice, should you need it.

Hello everyone, thanks for your support. Horrendous day. He was furious to receive text. Says it's complete rubbish about babysitter but he's happy to divorce me. Also says I've 'proved myself incapable' of looking after house and children by myself and he'll be reporting me to social services, doesn't specify why.

I was thrown when he denied it, although I know he's told direct lies in the past. Why would he admit it I guess? It still gave me a wobble, I just hope I've not been rash and I'm doing the right thing.

Have moved my stuff into middle DS
Room and gone to bed. He's not back yet, all communication has been via text and an email to my solicitor.

Feeling drained and a bit scared

Can you take yourself to bed and try and get some rest? Try not to be scared, you are 100% doing the right thing.

Also don't listen about the SS shit. He is the 2nd man this week I've heard about using this as a scare tactic.

It's all bollocks.

The SS stuff is bluster. He's just as likely to land himself under scrutiny, since he lives in the same house and also has parental responsibility.

It goes without saying that you need to make sure your phone is charged and keep it beside you, tonight.

Ok, going to bed now with middle DS as my protection. Eldest DS is still downstairs watching telly

Ah, the bad mum line. Such a bad mum, so incapable of taking care of the kids he is still out at gone 9pm, leaving his poor babies with bad mum. He has said this to make you change your mind.

I suggest you keep a hidden diary. Maybe email a secret email address to keep your notes safe.

Now expect tears, anger, suicide threats, accusations of cheating. Make notes and keep all communication written and do not delete anything.

Good luck.

The reporting you as a bad mother stuff is just a way of threatening and frightening you. It's a way to bully you into doing what you are told.

You know in your heart that you are a good Mother, so keep telling yourself that.

Take care

Not all men are like this. Your dss won't be if you get dh out.

The first babysitter was not more vulnerable because her mum was a single mum. Don't hold marital status up to be more than it is.

You could be a much happier mum with a single status, and your boys would feel more at home at home without him.

Good job today, it's not easy. Well done.

Don't give up now out of fear. Keep going! When your solicitor tells you how ridiculous his threats are you will feel a lot less scared. Just keep reminding yourself of that. You won't have to listen to his voice any more. It is nearly over, you are nearly safe - and you and you dc can be happy. Take care x

Just read the thread.. Well done for the start and hang tight it will be better..

Are you ok Chick?

Hello SpongeBob and everyone. I'm holding up pretty well. Was at parents evening last night, and had a good day off yesterday. Went on my usual run with friends and really felt almost normal, but with a weight off my shoulders of having finally done it. I also dropped off marriage certificate at solicitors so she can issue the petition.

I've now got 2 friends' husbands willing to come over in case if trouble and another friend with a big house offered to have me and boys anytime. She's a star, has a serious progressive illness but is always so mentally strong and supportive. Her husband is a pretty tough guy and is usually at home.

Last night DH got back at 9.30pm and I was in bed again. Bloody cat brought in a live mouse at exactly 9pm, when he was due back! Eldest DS spent 15 minutes chasing it round and then releasing it.

I switch my phone alerts off at night, but this morning I picked up a message sent at 10pm;

'Night. Hope you're alright, considering x'

Do I sense the start of a change in tactics? I can't stay hidden in DS room for ever, can I?

Well done for being so strong. I am a bit of a lurker, but your thread has made me feel i need to de-lurk. You have definitely done the right thing. Stay strong x

Good luck. Don't forget: you don't need a list of "good enough" reasons to end a marriage. Not wanting to be in the marriage any more is enough.

The fact is you do have other reasons, but don't focus on whether each individual one is really bad or just somewhat bad.... He is not a good person for you to be in a marriage with. That's all you need.

Glad your doing ok...

Yes change in tactics expect more when this one doesn't work. None of them genuine but you know that .

Keep strong chick! Yes he probably thought you were bluffing before, or that threatening you with SS would make you crumble. That hasn't worked, so he's trying to be "nice" instead. Don't be fooled, he's still the same tosser he always has been!

With regard to him admitting it, of course he won't as he knows it would be a criminal offence. You know it happened - and all the rest of his awful behaviour! - stay strong and committed to a better life for you and your sons. You're doing the right thing