He abused the babysitter too... Feeling numb

[Cambridgechick]

First I'll try to link my post from nearly 2 years ago :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1764751-Am-I-deluding-myself-long-sorry

Why am I still here, you may wonder? Fear, weakness, worn down by repeated abuse,all the usual reasons, even a warped sense of love.

But tonight I learned that 6 years ago he made a move on our 15/16?year old babysitter when he was dropping her home. My neighbour, who is friends with the mother, told me. I shook when I heard, it's the way I react to every revelation of his appalling behaviour. I feel ashamed that he did this. I have asked if the mother will speak to me when she's back from holiday. I want her to tell me what he did and then I want to tell him he is a shameful fucking sleazeball with no respect for women whatsoever. And then, finally, I will tell him I've had enough, no more. I just hope my sons are not too damaged, that he has not destroyed our lives, that the babysitter is ok (I always wondered why she suddenly stopped coming) and that has no influence in the way they grow up to treat women.

I'm going to live a pretence for the next week until the babysitters mum returns from holiday. My poor boys, how have I inflicted such a shit of a father on them?

How should I handle this? I want to confront him, but how and when? Will this repeated abusive behaviour have a bearing in the divorce? I don't want him as a role model for the boys. I also think there are likely to be other young women, I think maybe he lost many jobs because of his sexual incontinence. You'll see what happened to one job if you read my old post.

Advice, handholding or a kick up the arse all appreciated. I can't speak to anyone in RL about this, except my neighbour

Very well done OP. You are handling everything fantasticly well, I bet your DC are so proud of you

Hi ladies, not doing so well lately. He's been cycling between nice-nasty for a while, on Saturday I got a text saying he 'hated' me and then he was conciliatory the next day. On Monday, I was quite tearful. I got dragged into toxic relationship between DM and DB, it's been the same thing for years. I told DM that I couldn't cope with it at the moment.

Yesterday divorce papers were served and he had a melt down. Texted me at work saying I looked so happy, I deserved better than him, I was a lovely person and hed realised too late how wrong he was and that everything was his fault. This reply upset me then, late afternoon today he could not cope and had to go. I rushed home and confronted him. For the the first time, he admitted to having sex with other women, he doesn't know how many, he didn't use protection. He left to go to the gym. I was hysterical. I phoned and made him come back to pack DSs things for going away to his mums with him. I cried all night and he cuddled me. I despise myself for my weakness, but he's the only person who will give me a hug. My DM just looks at me when I cry. I have no memory of her ever hugging me. I think this need for affection is what has kept me for so long with somebody who didn't even care about my health, never mind love me.

I feel desperate, he's away now until Friday. He has broken me and he knows it, he thinks he's got me back where he wants me. I never imagined it could be so bad. The man I loved so much, the person who promised to take care of me has damaged me more than I ever thought possible. And still he's withholding information. I feel desperate with grief. I went out for dinner with a friend and cried all evening. He couldn't bear to see me happy without him, so he took my happiness and smashed it. I just don't think I can go on after this.

You can go on. This is yet another part of his attempts to get you back. Yes it's upsetting as he's playing every nasty trick he's got. He hasnt got you back no matter what he thinks. Sleeping with countless other women? A nasty guaranteed way of upsetting you.
Allow yourself those tears but today is a new day. You get up and seek advice and support from the people who are rooting for you!!! You know you're on the way to freedom but it's a bumpy road. There is nothing but hope for you on this thread from everyone who sees it!!!
You will move on. You will have happiness again. Just stay strong and keep moving forward.

Cambridge chick you can go on, you've come so far. One day at a time.

You need real friends.

Sorry your family is so useless.

Maybe you need to make yourself a little note of why you want him out of your life. He "tried it on with the babysitter" and he's "slept with countless other women". To be honest I'd rather have a hug from some of the homeless guys in town, they have more respect for me than he does for you.

Who do you have supporting you? You can do this, but you do need to ask for help/support.

Morning Cambridge, ive only just read this thread.
I completely get how you feel when you talk about your parents not giving you affection and giving in to being cuddled by the only person who is there to give you a cuddle.. and it feeling twice as sad because you realise he is the one that caused your misery in the first place. Been there.
But remember the happy feeling you had when you'd been running, got that new job, built up new friends? That taste of freedom, feeling alive? Thats what real, and its within your reach.
You're allowed wobbles. Please hang in there and keep focused on how you'll feel when you can do what you want without him making you cry. Loosen his grip on you.
It'll be so worth it. You're doing so well. Yes you love him but look what he's done to you. You're worth far more than that. Keep imagining a future where you're free and happy with your kids.
Massive hugs xx

Keep on keeping on. This is just a wobble. You can do this.

Wow, he waited till he got the divorce papers before telling you he'd been with others? But you know what, it shouldn't be a surprise to you that he's been spreading his favours around, and a betrayed partner should always doubt contraception was used, so how about you look at him telling you as spite and nothing else?

And if you haven't already done so pls go to a clinic and be checked for STI's, and not just because having to do so might just help you find your footing again with the new life you are making for yourself.

As for wanting a cuddle from him - its ok. Ive been diagnosed with a bit of a health problem today and all the way home I just wanted to tell my estranged husband so he would give me a cuddle, and I wished he could be here over the next few months to keep me company whilst its all being sorted. Its not going to happen because it wouldn't be good for me but it didn't stop me wanting it. And to be frank the cuddle I got from one of my daughters and my grandchildren were lovely but they were different to the cuddle I needed at that time. I think Im saying I missed being part of a middle aged couple getting older together.

We all have our wobbles and I hope you feel better tomorrow. xxx

You're tired and worn down, but you will regroup.

His sadness is not your problem. It's his problem of his own making and he just needs to bloody well pull up his big boy pants (for once) and cut it out with the emotional manipulation.

Cambridgechick how are you doing?