Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I want to leave my wife

235 replies

sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 16:26

I can't tell anyone

I have wanted out for years. we don't get on, I know this sounds awful but I don't like her, she doesn't like me much, in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs and most nights I fall asleep on the sofa as I just don't want to share a bed. I don't fancy her and the thought of sex with her turns my stomach...she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children. I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit. I am scared if I leave she will make it hard for me to see them, as she thinks if a man leaves his wife that's it, he has "left his family" and doesn't deserve the title "dad" or to see his kids. She has said as much when couples we know have split.

I loved her at the start but we were very young and tbh I got pushed into getting married. We were early 20's, she was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I thought this was what happened in life. We bought a house and she wanted baby number 2. I didn't as I was already unhappy. But she got caught with dc2. I suspect she wasn't on the pill. I love my children and don't regret them but they are the only thing keeping me here. The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

Here's where you are going to lose any sympathy you might have had. I have fallen in love with someone else, she is a single mum to a 4 year old and works at my place. I have known her a couple of years as work colleagues but a couple of weeks ago we both admitted we had feelings for each other. Absolutely nothing has happened as we both want to wait until I am free, she knows I am married and knows I am unhappy but she (understandably) is sceptical that I would actually leave. But I would. For the first time ever, I have met someone I want to marry, to have a family with, to love forever. I am 37, am married, I have children already...The timings are wrong

she is amazing, kind, clever, funny, independent, hard working. I have never felt like this before not even as a teenager. If I don't sort my life out she will tell me to get lost. Everyone at work likes her, the women love her and the men all fancy her. She will be snapped up, she is 27 and stunning but most of all a lovely person. And if I leave my wife I will lose my children, my home, everything

I just need some advice, I can't carry on like this

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 02/09/2015 16:45

Yes, poor you, Sapphiresdad, with only a 27 yr old fuck buddy to enjoy while your horrid evil wife has to care for your kids 24:7 while you whine about having to pay the family bills.

Although, the children were nothing to do with you; the nasty bitch 'got caught' with DD2 which you can't be held responsible for.

Don't on any account be honest with your wife (urgh, I can imagine how horrible the thought of being with a woman your own age must have been) regarding the beauty of your new relationship. On no account get a property where your kids can stay over - instead consider it your right to use the marital home whenever you fancy - after all, you pay for it!

If only your wife would piss off - you could set up home with the new improved woman, and her 4yo, in your house. Just imagine how the other men at work feel now that you've 'snapped up' this beauty for yourself!

WhySoAngry · 02/09/2015 16:55

LovesPeace - but writes nastily, spitefully - unnecessarily.

OP comes on here because he wants to do the right thing and, as usual, gets the shit kicked out of him.

How about for once a little humanity and compassion?

LovesPeace · 02/09/2015 17:04

Ah, my mistake.
The 'right thing' is apparently to have an emotional affair with a woman 10 years younger, and decide you always hated your wife, who trapped you into marriage and children.

Then to leave your wife - but not tell her that you are seeing someone else, not let her move on, not share custody, and bleat about having to pay for your wife (who presumably doesn't know what on earth is going on).

The decent thing would be to tell the wife the truth, divorce, making formal arrangements to share residence/child support, and start a new relationship with a clean slate.

But no, the OP is still lying, being selfish, to keep his wife in presumably heartbroken limbo.

Finish things properly, before you start new things. Lying is always shit.

LovesPeace · 02/09/2015 17:06

And WhySoAngry - I'm not going to stoop to your level of personal insults, but do carry on.

WhySoAngry · 02/09/2015 17:14

You could say what you say in a caring, supportive, compassionate way - but then the poster is a man, so the rules are different.

springydaffs · 02/09/2015 17:17

Ah yes, if only your children's family home could be sold from under them so you could get on with enjoying fresh-faced fantasy work girl unfettered. Hold on! Won't be long now. Yum!

LovesPeace · 02/09/2015 17:19

WhySoAngry - I don't believe (as you seem to) that men should be treated any differently.

You should be ashamed of such a sexist view.

Original poster
sapphiresdad · 02/09/2015 17:19

Thanks whyso I probably shouldn't have come back or even posted at all, I am really sorry if I have upset anyone on here

but

  1. I am only renting a single room as that is all I can afford untill our house sells. When I can afford it, I will live somewhere bigger where the kids can stay

  2. I don't ever go in to the marital home, only to pick up my kids. And I haven't since the day I left. As that is my ex wife's home now, it was only right she and the kids stayed there. So I don't "use" it??

  3. I wish I could have the kids 24/7

  4. I am not whining about paying the bills, I was just saying what my situation is. Im happy to pay, as it is my responsibility

  5. I don't think My ex wife is ugly or old. My girlfriend is is not an "improved" version of my ex, or some kinda younger replacement. She is not "better" than my ex she is just "better" for me, and very different and its just a better relationship. But if it doesnt't work out then I will just be single.

  6. I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH MY EX AND HAVE NOT FOR A VERY LONG TIME. and its not to do with my ex's looks lots of men think she is nice looking, it was how she treated me and how unhappy we made each other

  7. I do feel bad not telling her yes she deserves to know but from a purely selfish point of view yes I am scared how she will react because of how it may effect my relationship with the kids

OP posts:
springydaffs · 02/09/2015 17:24

What, that they'd find out you played away and dumped their mum, necessitating the sale of their family home so you could trip off into the sunset with baby face?

I know, why don't you go for full custody? Dump Frau face, chuck her away along with her handbags, and do the sunset thing WITH her kids. Result!

LovesPeace · 02/09/2015 17:25

Seriously, Sapphiresdad, stop being selfish.

You owe your wife the absolute truth, to let her get closure, and move on with her life too.

Don't be a coward - do the honourable thing (better late than never).

springydaffs · 02/09/2015 17:26

You're not hurting me, mate, but you've hurt your wife and kids. No getting around that, now!

Original poster
sapphiresdad · 02/09/2015 17:30

I know I have hurt them, Springy

but I am also sorry if I have upset anyone on here

I will tell her sooner rather than later

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 02/09/2015 17:33

You haven't upset me - but as Springy says, your wife and kids will be disappointed in you.

Go slow with the 27yr old - esp. with your children - lust is very different from love over time.

Nightstalker · 02/09/2015 17:35

springdaffs and LovesPeace

"she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children

That is emotional abuse. So you think that it is fine for a man to be abused then?

WhySoAngry · 02/09/2015 17:41

Please don't, sapphiresdad, get bullied by the haters on here to do what they would do - if they were the saints they expect others to be.

You're tying to find the best solution to a tricky situation - in particular the relationship you have with your children and your ex going forward.

Honesty isn't always the best policy. Pragmatism is sometimes better and kinder.

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 02/09/2015 17:41

How about a bit of balance here.
The family home is clearly unaffordable with a massive mortgage, debts, one partner working two jobs and the other not having any paid work despite the age of the DCs.

The marriage clearly wasn't working for either party, neither sounded happy and you haven't made a partnership. It actually sounded like a very miserable existence.

That all goes whether the poster is male or female.

It doesn't reflect well that the break's only been made once a third party's on the scene, that's often the case though and especially so when the person breaking away is male. Women, speaking very generally here, tend to make the split because they can't bear to see their children endure an unhappy home life and men tend to stay to be with the children in a more comfortable home than if they left.

OP, regardless of whether your wife wants you back or doesn't, you owe it to everyone in this situation to be honest and to get on with sorting things out clearly. The truth always outs and it's always more painful when it comes from a third party. Go and see another Solicitor or two and make it clear you are there only for the initial free consultation. Find out your legal obligations as well as your rights and also find out what your rights for access to your children are. Ask for a guide to costs should you instruct them.

Keeping secrets like this from your wife and children isn't good for future relationships with them and is probably contributing to the extra stress you're feeling. Step up and do the right thing now.

maybebabybee · 02/09/2015 17:49

Shitloads of projection going on on this thread. As usual.

SunshineAndShadows · 02/09/2015 17:52

Tbh I wouldn't want to stay with an emotionally and financially abusive partner regardless of gender.

Why is it ok for the ex wife not to work whilst OP has 2 jobs? Or for her to slag him off? Why should he stay in an abusive marriage? If roles were reversed she'd be called a cocklodger and OP would be told to leave. Some posters have such sexist double standards.

springydaffs · 02/09/2015 17:55

I have presented balance. Against the pages and pages of posters piling in with outrage at op's disgusting wife (so say) - when the subtext, the plain facts, are there as clear as day. How many play-awayers have rewritten history, lifting exchanges entirely out of context to justify their cock-fuelled actions? Yeah, they all got trapped, she's a disgusting, spendthrift, lazy cow who spends all my money! But I've met an angel - she is so PRETTY, I'm like a kid in a sweet shop

But he's not going to tell his painted, fake-tanned, mother of his children. What, and have the whole thing blown open and his skanky actions seen for what they are? No fear! Anyway, it might upset angel face and the special thing they have.

SunshineAndShadows · 02/09/2015 17:57

Projecting much?

springydaffs · 02/09/2015 18:01

I've never been in the wife's position, for the record. Just got eyes in my head and a brain in my skull and it's AS CLEAR AS DAY what's happening here. Even down to the scuttling off and not even telling the wife what he's up to - because of what it would look like? Well guess what: it IS what it looks like.

ilovesooty · 02/09/2015 18:06

Clear as day is it? Not from how I'm reading it. I think the OP is to be commended for remaining polite in the face of such vitriolic personal attack.

SunshineAndShadows · 02/09/2015 18:07

Ah ok sorry.
I guess in my book emotional and financial abuse, working 60 hours weeks whilst my partner refused to contribute, and a complete emotional disconnect would probably encourage me to 'scuttle off' too.
Different strokes for different folks I guess

springydaffs · 02/09/2015 18:08

Cross posts sunshine.

Call it was it so clearly is and it's projecting?? OK then. Except it's never happened to me or anyone in my close, of even far, circle. It's bloody obvious what's going on here.

What I would call into question are the reams of posters who have swallowed this shit whole.

If you want to leave your wife then leave your wife, op. But don't dress it up and make out it's something it isn't.

WhySoAngry · 02/09/2015 18:14

springydaffs - why so angry?