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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 15:00

It was the day he had a vasectomy. Apparently it was a primeval urge and he had to do it one last time before the op.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2015 15:01

'Primeval urge', my Aunt Matilda!!! Tell him you have a 'primeval' urge' to cosh him over the head with a ten pound brick. Will he forgive you??

Under the premise that 'it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission', change the locks. You can tell him you 'didn't know it was wrong'.

GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 15:01

I can't understand why he would have done something similar.

Because he doesn't have any consideration for you, your needs or your feelings.
Be the person who takes care of you, your needs and your feelings, and shield yourself from interactions with him: changed locks, solicitors, few and stricter contact with DC outside of your home... all of these are ways of safeguarding yourself.

Your wellbeing is far too important to be left at his mercy.

MTWTFSS · 04/03/2015 15:04

I haven't read all 8 pages, but please tell me you are not with this awful man!!! You are worth so much more than him!!!

FantasticButtocks · 04/03/2015 15:05

He has asked me not to start divorce proceedings so he has time to fix things. He can ask whatever he likes…but you do not have to do what he wants anymore. He can opt to fix himself. he cannot fix the marriage. It is too late. Your decision is made. You do not love him and do not want him back.

He's saying we should give it 9 months to a year before making a permanent decision Again, he can say what he likes…you do not have to agree and obey. This does not fit in with what you want…which is an end to this marriage.

I must admit I don't see why once a week he can't leave work early to pick up the DC. That would be better for them. He needs to be told that these visits are for the children's benefit, not his. Therefore, he can pick up from school and see them at the weekends. He does not come to your home every evening FFS and disrupt the children's evening and yours.

I have tried to be kind to him. Mutual friends have been told it was a joint decision and we didn't get along anymore. Not the true details. Well, I would stop all that and tell people the truth. Covering up for him is for his sake because he doesn't want people to know what he is and what he has done. You need to do things for your sake now.

He came round for something late one night last week, luckily the latch was on but it scared the hell out of me. Bolt the door when you are home and if he 'pops' round, tell him it isn't convenient and that he must arrange with you first before he comes to your home.

Apparently he doesn't mind if I forgive him or not as long as he can come home. Nice. He can't come 'home'. You do not love him anymore, you do not wish to be a couple with him and you do not wish to get back together. The fact he doesn't give two shiny shits whether you forgive him or not says everything you need to know and confirms you are 100% right about not continuing in a relationship with him. He is not even sorry.

When he had sex when I said no, he didn't realise it was wrong. But he does now realise and because he knows that now I should be able to forgive him. I can't. He did realise it was wrong. And he has no right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Again, he is not even sorry.

Perhaps it would be better not to have hour-long phone calls with him anymore. He can communicate about arrangements in a brief and concise manner. After that you say 'sorry, got to go.' and put the phone down. The less of his bullshit you allow to flow into your ears, the less he will get inside your head and mess with your thoughts.

Lweji · 04/03/2015 15:08

I can use that as a item of unreasonable behaviour in a divorce can't i?

You could get it to put him in jail, let alone a divorce

Floundering · 04/03/2015 15:10

Get the locks changed, it may be his house but if you felt unsafe because you heard someone rattling at the door one night, Wink no court would argue with that. As long as you say you are getting a spare set cut which you can keep forgetting to get done, it should buy you some time.

FantasticButtocks · 04/03/2015 15:10

He was crying on the phone "I'm not a monster, it was only one time, I understand now". His tears were for himself then, for being thought of as a 'monster' which he fucking well is rather than tears for you the victim of his sexual assault. And now he continues with physically touching you, brushing past you etc. No, he is not sorry. But he is so so upset, because he has been exposed. You are going to have to to stop feeling sorry for him, trying to be kind, listening to his bullshit, letting his tears for himself affect you. Otherwise he will reel you back in.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 04/03/2015 15:16

I feel so sorry for you OP. You sound like such a nice person.

However, if DH were to rape me, that would be the end. Your DH has not only raped you, he's subjected you to years of other abuse as well. Get angry and use that anger to fight for everything you're entitled to. Even if you don't do it for yourself, please do it for your children. Do you really want them living/spending time with a rapist? Hard though that may be to stomach, that's exactly what's happening here.

I wish you luck. You deserve so much more.

DeliciousMonster · 04/03/2015 15:18

That's made me laugh!

I don't know why - I wasn't kidding.

MonstrousRatbag · 04/03/2015 15:24

Actions speak louder than words. So:

  1. Get bolts fitted to the doors so you can be confident he can't get into the house. Use them at all times so he cannot come in unless you let him in;
  1. Serve divorce papers. Be sure to seek interim maintenance payments so he has to support you properly from the outset;
  1. Stop the ad hoc contact. Make an arrangement about when he sees the children (not every bedtime) and hold him to it;
  1. Arrange things by text or email, avoid ringing him and don't answer his calls;
  1. Behave as though you are already divorced. Don't be his wife anymore, with handholding and listening and protecting his reputation and him setting the agenda. Do your thing, leave him to it.
currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 15:28

can I ask OP - would you consider telling the police what he has done?

mix56 · 04/03/2015 15:39

this weeping bullshit is still the "me me me" behavior that he has been showing for your whole marriage.
Of course he's unhappy now, he has no carpet to wipe his feet on, meals, house, laundry, sex on command.
he probably goes back to where he's living & plans the next days show.
Have you divorced ? it sound like you need to go to court to get the visits for the kids sorted. He cannot just show up daily & wander around your house.
he needs to have the children on his own, in his own house, or park or play centre, if not you will never get shot of him. So tonight just tell him that you have worked out a rota, that fits in best with kids/activities/work/ & tell him to take a look & see if it suits him. From then on, you can drop the kids off somewhere neutral, or he can pick them up, but he cannot come in .
Too little, too late. You were unhappy for years, he will survive.
& you do not want his snot all over your jumper, for Gods sake

Marcipex · 04/03/2015 15:48

He's ramped it up because it wasn't working. So he's trying harder now. Oh, just let me have your sweater to sniff.....it sounds as if he's devoted to you doesn't it. But you know it's all bollix.

Don't play these games. Don't chat, hold his hand, placate, give more time.
That all makes him think its worth keeping on trying.

Make things plain.
He can't come in. The relationship is over. You're getting divorced. It's really happening.

And I'm sorry to say, when you've made it really clear, you'll see his true colours and it won't be pretty.
He'll make threats and intimidate you. He'll be really angry. I think you should be prepared for that. Get your friends onside, tell family and friends the truth. Be prepared to have to call the police. Don't cover up for him any more.

IreneA78 · 04/03/2015 15:59

He has been treating you like crap for years.He won't be able to change even if he wants to because it is too entrenched.
It is who he is. The wisest thing my dad ever said to me was people don't change.I was young and idealistic then, but it has been proved to me over and over again.

Jux · 04/03/2015 16:04

Ask a solicitor to write a letter telling him the contact arrangements. Standard is one weekday after school and eow. So solicitor says pick up from school on Wednesday at 3:30 and deliver home at, say, 6. Then eow pick up from school at 3:30 on Friday and deliver back home at 6 on Sunday - having ensured uniforms/pe kit washed and home work done.

If you are firm and reasonable now it will stand you in good stead later in the process.

I would also ask the solicitor to include instructions for communications between him and you. All communications to be conducted by email/through the solicitor. If there are problems with contact then text (and get a new sim for your normal use, keep the old one just for him, so he can't harrass you that way).

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 04/03/2015 16:17

Please tell the Solicitor about the rape, the walking into the house as and when he pleases, the unwanted touching, financial pressure and constant emotional harassment. He/she will be able to advise on steps you can take to keep him out of the house and to put a stop to everything else.

He is refusing to take you seriously, in his mind it's just a little mood you've got yourself into and if he's nice to you and makes a lot of meaningless promises, everything will be back to his version of normal soon enough.

FryOneFatManic · 04/03/2015 16:18

I can't change the locks. It's his house.

You might not be able to change the locks officially, but there is nothing to stop you from adding bolts to the doors. Or door-chains, etc.

Which might provide some relief while other things are sorted out.

If the house is sold and you get somewhere else to live, then however much he stamps his feet, you would never have to allow him entry to the home.

Jux · 04/03/2015 16:43

You could add bolts to the front door and change the lock on the back door if you have one. Then the bolts are always on, and you just use the back door which has a new lock.

NettleTea · 04/03/2015 16:58

you know why he raped you then?
Not a primeval urge, but a last desperate attempt to get you pregnant, and a punishment for the vasectomy.
Im surprised he hasnt turned that one on you yet, so watch out - he WILL bring up the fact that he had a vasectomy for you and now cannot have any more kids with his 'new' wife.
Prepare yourself for this and get rid of any guilt you may be tempted to feel.
You are actually saving any more poor children suffering what yours have done. Leopards, spots and all that.

WaxOnWaxOff · 04/03/2015 17:01

I can't change the locks.

no, but let's say, hypothetically you lost your keys, so had to change the locks, and oops... you keep forgetting to get a spare key cut for him.

Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 17:29

Is this just the free half hour, pre-hire interview type meeting with the solicitor? You will want to describe your current needs pretty clearly, to give her a chance to respond and you to judge if she seems a good choice.

your priorities:
Interim maintenance
sort out his time with the kids
your privacy/ denying access to your house

You want her to know he has been cruel, and violent in the past. That currently he is getting more demanding about the current siruation ending his way. You have some fears for his reaction when he finally realises this is not happening.

What else?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 17:36

It's a male solicitor actually. Is that a bad move?

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 17:37

I was thinking of getting a free half hour with the female solicitor from the other big solicitors locally too.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 17:39

It's a good idea to shop around and speak to several solicitors.
You want someone on your side who you have a good rapport with.