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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Marcipex · 04/03/2015 14:28

Sounds like my SBXH. Just like.

Cry loudly, act distraught, get everyone sorry for him.

It's a very very common way of regaining control.
I talked to Women's Aid about how out of character all his crying was, and they said how often they hear the same. As soon as he's back in the home, his old ways will resume.

Don't play his game. Hang in there. You'll be glad one day.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 14:29

I can't change the locks. It's his house.

He came round for something late one night last week, luckily the latch was on but it scared the hell out of me. I don't feel safe here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 14:29

Yes this is a man who has never really cried. Not even when his mum died!!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2015 14:29

You don't have to forgive him. He hasn't truly asked for forgiveness. Oh maybe he's said the words, but that's not enough. To be truly pentitent and ask for real forgiveness involves understand that the one you've wronged owes you nothing, you deserve nothing from them. As in "I have done you wrong, I expect nothing from you but ask for your forgiveness in hopes that we both can move ahead in our lives in peace". He's only asking "Forgive me so I can get what I want regardless of what you want".

Right now, I understand that you are doing a lot of what you are doing just to keep the peace. But you need to start to set limits, even a little at a time if that makes it easier for you. Start with 'no touching', since that's the most intimate. Then perhaps move to 'no overnight here' since you believe he uses it to snoop.

I'm glad you're seeing a solicitor. I'm not in the UK so I don't know about benefits, etc, but get all you can. The less financial hold he has over you, the better!

It's the beginning of the journey for you. He's realizing that it's the end of the line for him!

Lweji · 04/03/2015 14:30

What's more important for you?
Your house or your safety and mental health, as well as your children's?

You can get the solicitor on the case and arrange for a court order to keep him out OR you can move out.
This is your life. You don't have to be under his control.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2015 14:31

Can you 'accidentally' leave keys in the locks so he can't get in?

Joysmum · 04/03/2015 14:32

There you go, you don't feel safe so please don't entertain going backwards. It took enough to separate and how much more would you all have to suffer if you needed to repeat having the courage to go through it all again Sad

GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 14:33

All the more reason to get the ball rolling on a divorce: if the house is your residence, and he resides elsewhere, then you can change the locks.

Another point to ask the solicitor about.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 14:35

Your solicitor will not advise it but you can change the locks, it's your home and you need to feel safe in it. You're not denying him access. If he knocks on the door politely and if it's convenient you will grant him access. If he wants to argue that he should be able to let himself in and out of your home whenever he likes, scaring the hell out of you in the process, he's free to take you to court.

Marcipex · 04/03/2015 14:36

My ex didn't cry when his mother died either.
Sounds very similar.

Look, if you lost your keys you'd have to change the locks. Then don't give him a new key.
Don't let him keep controlling you. You make the rules.

Do you want him in the house? No? Don't have him in then. Yes, he'll kick up. Call the police.

Lweji · 04/03/2015 14:37

It works both ways.
If you change the locks he will have to go through the courts to regain access. It takes time and money, which buys you some breathing space.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 14:38

He has this way of turning it in my head so I get confused.

His take is this. When he had sex when I said no, he didn't realise it was wrong. But he does now realise and because he knows that now I should be able to forgive him. I can't :(

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 14:44

...and you don't have to.

You do not have to forgive anyone on their say-so. It is your own, very personal, decision. And yours only.

Flowers
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 14:44

"When he had sex when I said no, he didn't realise it was wrong"

Have you ever heard the expression 'ignorance of the law is no excuse'? Look at it this way.... if you clobbered an old lady over the head and stole her pension this afternoon and then said to the police 'I didn't know it was wrong, but now I do I apologise and I think she should forgive me....' do
you think they would let you walk free?

A sexual assault is a traumatising experience. You are not obliged to forgive. Confusion is the abusive man's stock in trade. They don't want you to think clearly because then you'd see what they were up to.

Marcipex · 04/03/2015 14:45

Dear Toast Flowers
Of course he knew it was wrong. And he's demanding forgiveness?

I think you shouldn't talk to him at all tbh. He'll twist everything. he always will.
Don't engage in conversation. Don't answer him. Don't let him in. Do what you want.

You know how he does what he wants? Well, it's your turn.

GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 14:45

I'm very sorry that you were coerced into sex against your will.

AccordingtoSteve · 04/03/2015 14:48

Toast he sounds absolutely vile, you poor thing!

If you are not keen on changing the locks can you get one of those keychain things to put on the front door? It must be awful living with the fear he could turn up anytime though. Hope your solicitor pulls through for you.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 14:49

His argument is I should have told him it was wrong. I tried to buy he told me I was the one in the wrong.

He was crying on the phone "I'm not a monster, it was only one time, I understand now".

What made it worse for me (and his counsellor made me aware of this) is I was sexually assaulted as a teenager. So I literally regressed at the time to being 15 and scared again. Apparently quite a common thing to happen. He knows that happened to me, so I can't understand why he would have done something similar.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/03/2015 14:49

When he had sex when I said no, he didn't realise it was wrong.

Bollocks. Everyone knows it's wrong. Except he was challenged on it.

ouryve · 04/03/2015 14:50

Every decision for the next 20 years? What utter tosh.

Nothing he says to you is ever going to be anything more than manipulative bullshit. Remember that every time you're tempted to have a conversation with him.

In fact the conversations need to end. It doesn't matter how you feel. He doesn't need to know because he doesn't really care, unless it's exactly what he wants to hear.

Good for you for making contact with a solicitor. You need to call the shots on this front. Not him. How he feels about it doesn't come into the equation because the public display and the words that come out of his mouth are not the same as what he really feels.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 14:50

I said to him that 99.9% of the population knows it's wrong. I can't believe he thought it was ok. "Primeval urge" was what he told me at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 14:51

I can use that as a item of unreasonable behaviour in a divorce can't i?

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 04/03/2015 14:51

Apparently I would be allowed to make every decision for the next 20 years so it would be fair

'Thats fab. The first two decisions I am making are getting a divorce and selling the house. Cushty.'

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 14:54

That's made me laugh!

OP posts:
ouryve · 04/03/2015 14:59

Primeval urge?

What is he? A baboon?

You can use pretty much anything that detracts from a healthy relationship as unreasonable behaviour. I had poor hygiene amongst the reasons I cited, amongst the nastier stuff.