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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Meerka · 08/03/2015 11:27

He also realised every little thing he did broke the way I felt a little more. Which is why I can now look at him and feel nothing, not coming home from work when a 2 year old DD had her first asthma attack and needed to go to hospital, laughing at me in the shower and telling me I looked like a concentration camp inmate when I had an eating disorder, running his finger on the top of the door frames to check for dust on housework day. He never realised I would have a mind of my own and one day finally woman up and use it.

toast you're amazing.

Just keep on building on those little steps. make sure you keep the impetus up.

Great news about your oldest daughter's AS - like behaviours becoming a bit lessened.

HexBramble · 08/03/2015 11:34

.

pocketsaviour · 08/03/2015 12:33

toast If you think it would be helpful for your DD to get a diagnosis of ASD, you no longer need his permission. I know you may feel like it's pointless when she's nearly finished school, but if she struggled with social interactions it could actually be very useful in her adult life. Just something to think about.

You are doing really well, baby steps will take you forward. You are doing an amazing job of breaking free. I laughed aloud at your youngest's cheer! The way your DDs are all reacting is such visible proof that you've done the right thing in leaving.

NettleTea · 08/03/2015 12:39

actually a diagnosis is incredibly helpful, and IF you went for a statement at some time, they now extend through to age 24, so useful if you need any help, or just understanding, through college.

My DP, although not 'officially' diagnosed, has recognised his Aspergers traits and it was like a lighbulb going off in his head. He found it a huge relief to explain things to himself - why he struggled with things when others didnt, why he could only work in certain ways, some of the problems he had with social interactions. It gave him the confidence to set boundaries and not be such a people pleaser, hence not being taken advantage of by people who he had trusted, but who he didnt realise were actually quite nasty. He just took peoples words for things and hadnt seen the subtle undercurrents.

GallicIsCharlie · 08/03/2015 13:18

Toast, your posts from (scarily early) this morning are FANTASTIC!! Flowers Flowers

RandomMess · 08/03/2015 14:37

Well done Toast a step in the right direction.

I absolutely agree that you ask the girls what contact they would like an in ideal world then YOU make a decision as to what you are prepared to facilitate. His choice is whether to take it or leave it or fight for more...

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2015 16:28

Would there be any good in telling your DC that when dad 'announces' he's staying to dinner that they can say 'Have you asked Mum if that's OK?' if they want to. They may not want to get involved and that's fine. But since it appears they really don't want him around all that much, maybe they would be glad of a chance to remind him it's not his decision any more.

I agree with getting your DD assessed. It will open a world of opportunities and help for her.

You really ARE making progress. It's easy for all of us me to tell you not to do such and such or hurry and do this n that, but you have to move at your own pace. The first thing to change is your mindset, and you've done that. You know you don't want him around. Now it's just a step by step process of getting him out of your home life.

Is there a reason he can't have the children at his dad's? Sounds as if you have a good relationship with the gentleman and that he's sympathetic to you. If you explained that your H coming to the house isn't helping HIM to move forward in this new life, wouldn't his own dad want to help him by offering to have the children there?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 16:31

Fuckity fuck.

He never even asked his dad for dinner. Thought it would be nice "just us". He's just tried to kiss me twice. I was cuddling youngest at time and couldnt move away easily. She's been so tantrum-y today, really out of character.

OP posts:
Meerka · 08/03/2015 16:34

Tell him to GET out. Please. try it toast.

And tell him that its harassment and if he does that again you'll call the police (and follow through)

I know it's hard Toast. But he is SO FAR OUT OF LINE

please.

chocolatefingersandtoes · 08/03/2015 16:35

toast what a bloody twat! Gross and yuck that he tried to kiss and cuddle... Use this deception to your advantage. Now that he is untrustworthy you can with a clear conscience start saying NO!

Meerka · 08/03/2015 16:36

Where is your anger?

At the very least drop his bloody dinner on the floor in front of him.

Lweji · 08/03/2015 16:36

What everyone is saying.
Ring the police and get him out.

currentnameinuse · 08/03/2015 16:37

Bloody hell - tell him to leave immediately. Foul human being that he is.

popalot · 08/03/2015 16:39

it'll get easier when he gets the message and moves on. Might take him a week or two, then you'll hear less and less of him. As soon as he finds another woman you'll be totally in the clear. Don't worry, he's upset he's lost you for now and trying to change your mind, but he won't feel like that forever. Stay strong and firm.

clam · 08/03/2015 16:40

"Just us?" FFS tell him there IS NO "JUST US." He pissed all over that notion the day he raped you. And all those other days he ran his fingers over the door tops to check you'd dusted properly.

Toast, you're far too nice for this mallarkey. You're judging him by your own nice standards, whereby he's a scheming manipulative bastard and you've just walked right into his latest trap, with his outright lie about inviting his dad round. I'd be marching straight back in to whichever room in YOUR house he's weasling in and say the offer (not that you did offer) is off and you'd like him to leave. Now.

popalot · 08/03/2015 16:41

And don't let him in the house...have all conversations on the doorstep.

clam · 08/03/2015 16:42

You know what, toast, it sounds as if he's round your house more often than most people's actual husbands.

You're separated! You shouldn't be seeing him at all, other than to wave the kids goodbye.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 16:43

I've left the house for a bit. I was going to cry in front of him and he would enjoy seeing I was weak.

He's playing best dad ever, chopping vegetables and acting like he rules the roost. I fucking hate him. He walked in when I was telling youngest off for hitting, so he was all "oh dear, best mum goes out for a bit she's obviously worn out with everything. Why don't you go to the gym". Thereby showing how caring he is and also reminding me that I'm not as fit as he is.

I've gone to the gym. They sell coffee and cake there. So that's what I'm doing. Probably petty of me but I don't care.

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 08/03/2015 16:45

Why haven't you told him to leave? He is playing you like a good 'un and you are just letting him rule you.

Meerka · 08/03/2015 16:46

toast

Please, please change the locks.

He's walking all over you and over teh children too. He's USING them for his own ends.

clam · 08/03/2015 16:46

Toast, please make this be the last time he gets one over on you.

Cut. Him. Out.

Oh, and make sure you don't eat a single one of his fucking vegetables. Leave them, ostentatiously, on the side of the plate.

Meerka · 08/03/2015 16:48

Remember.

This is the man who threatened suicide in front of the children.

Now he's playing superdad.

He is really fucking with their minds. Find your mamatiger, please ...

AccordingtoSteve · 08/03/2015 16:48

Oh toast this must be so bloody horrible for you, please please take the advice already given. Please start thinking of YOU! He really does sound like a horrible man Sad

popalot · 08/03/2015 16:49

But he needs to get out of your house. Will he leave when you get back? Be firm. Be clear. Spell it out to him clearly, even if the children are in earshot. Tell him you're tired, want to get ready for an early night before school tomorrow and that it's time for him to leave. Then never let him back in your house ever again. He has left and has no right to be there. He knows it. You know it.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 16:49

Unless you stand up to him today this man will have moved back in by the end of the week

you are playing right into his hands