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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 07/03/2015 19:06

Look, if you can't do it for you do it for them.

Stop having him in your house, and stop contact until one of the kids actually wants to see him!

MelonBallersAreStrange · 07/03/2015 19:08

Christ, how horrible must he have been to them for them to cheer as he left.

Are you going to start respecting your daughter's wishes now?

Or do you still require them to put his needs above their own?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 19:09

According to my eldest he was really nice to them all day and tried really hard. That's good. What isn't so good is that they see that as a big deal rather than the norm!!

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 07/03/2015 19:11

are you going to stop him coming round? No it isn't normal for them to behave like that. But you knew that already.

Lweji · 07/03/2015 19:14

And they know it's fake.

Can I cheer too that he left?

Take your lead from them, Toast. You are the only people they can rely on.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 19:15

I really thought he might not go.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/03/2015 19:18

You know what?

I have at some point realised that my fears are usually worse than reality.
Prepare for the worst, yes, but don't let the fear stop you. It probably won't be as bad as you think. :)

Jux · 07/03/2015 19:19

Nothing in it is normal, and won't be as long as you let him walk over you like this. Keep him out of the house and if he gets in, he's a guest so make sure he knows it. Call him 'guest'. Yes, guest, no guest, 3 bags full guest.

Your children don't want to see him. The youngest may want to, sometime, and maybe one of her sisters would be kind and go with her.

Every other weekend. Stick to it. And no, he doesn't get both days, every weekend. That's what real fathers and husbands get. He gets what he's given and should be grateful for it, because he's a rapist.

tribpot · 07/03/2015 19:28

It certainly isn't normal, no. But they are telling you loud and clear they do not want to give up their weekend to playing perfect family with a guy they barely know. I hope this is enough to convince you that his contact with them needs to be much shorter and out of your house.

Meerka · 07/03/2015 19:34

It isn't normal for DC to behave like that, is it? They couldn't wait for him to go.

Toast children respond to their parents according to how they are treated.

We are programmed to love our parents. And we do.

It takes an awful lot to get us to the point of hating our parents. It takes the parent behaving very, very badly or else showing no love at all.

Your youngest daughter's reactions are unfeigned and natural because by age 8 you haven't really learned the social graces. He is reaping what he has sown. If he doesn't like it that's a pity but it is no longer your concern. It is the consequence of his actions or inaction.

FantasticButtocks · 07/03/2015 19:46

This isn't even about what 'he gets'. It is about what the dcs need. They do not need to be forced to be in the company of someone who has given them so little in their lives, and who has just started to 'try' because it suddenly suits him.

GallicIsCharlie · 07/03/2015 19:48

I laughed out loud at DD3 cheering!

What on earth are you trying to achieve by keeping up this farce? Your children don't like him. You don't like him. You are all correct, he's an unpleasant individual.

I don't feel you should chivvy them into seeing him. I feel very strongly that you need to take 'ownership' of YOUR life and YOUR house; your family. If he comes in, tell him to leave! Call the cops if he won't.
Ask the girls whether they want to see him once a fortnight or less.

And, just for fun, drape your house with fripperies :)

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2015 20:18

So, no feeding the putz dinner tonight, yes? If so, then good for you! Pat yourself on the back. You've taken a step in the right direction.

If you did feed him then you get one of these Hmm but only a very little one. Wink

Listen to your children. As much as you can, let them guide you when it comes to seeing their father. If they want to see him then facilitate it (outside of the house), if they don't want to then just tell him. Part of the problem is that he's had no real 'pushback' to his bad behaviour. That's why he keeps doing it, because he can. If you (on your own and on the children's behalf) start pushing back he'll stop when he realizes the old tricks no longer work.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 20:23

He did have dinner but with us, not a special meal of his own. Then he went straight after.

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/03/2015 20:32

Jesus - was he expecting you to cook something just for him? You definitely need a less appeasing solicitor and to get the ball rolling legally, so he finally gets the hint that this is over.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 20:35

No he wanted dinner with us all. You know, like a proper family!!

OP posts:
GallicIsCharlie · 07/03/2015 20:39

It wasn't roast turkey with 17 different veg and side dishes, was it?

Wink
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 20:42

No I no longer cook vegetables. It's somewhat liberating. I haven't eaten a cooked vegetable since he left!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 20:42

I do however cook them for the DC. They don't seem to have the same psychological trauma over it that I do.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/03/2015 20:57

I would ask your dds what contact THEY want with wank face?

If they want to go out to lunch with him one day every other weekend arrange that and nothing else.

Contact is about them having a relationship with their non-resident parent. He can fuck off with what he wants...

Yes he can take you to court to increase contact but that all takes time etc, and in the meantime it will give all 4 of you the space that you seem to need/want from him?

Thumbwitch · 07/03/2015 21:21

toast - you're NOT a "proper fucking family" any longer, if you ever were! It's more of the fakery, more of the manipulation and you MUST NOT put up with it.
I know you say you're doing it "for the children" but they don't want it
I know you're saying you're trying to avoid the rows but they would rather that then have him push his way back in
I know you're trying but you're giving ground at every turn at the moment.

Draw the line. At the front door. Thus far and no further, sunshine - now see if your DC want to go out somewhere with you, if they don't then fuck off.

AlternativeTentacles · 07/03/2015 21:49

You arent going to change anything are you?

What did you want exactly from this thread?

RandomMess · 07/03/2015 21:55

Stop being blindsided.

He is out of the house. He can see the dc at times that are appropriate/suitable.

Sounds like a few hours a fortnight is all they want at the moment so offer that.

TBH if the elder 2 don't want to see him at all a court wouldn't make them due to their ages!!!

GoatsDoRoam · 07/03/2015 22:01

Why in heck are you having him over for dinner?

I'm not having a go at you. I just genuinely don't understand how a separated and soon-to-divorce couple ends up at the same family dinner table in the evening.

It's, uhm, sending a mixed message at best.

HelenaDove · 07/03/2015 22:07

Ive been following this thread but not commented till now as i cant really better what previous posters have said. You are doing great Toast.

HE has brought all this on himself. He raped you He abused you. Also not surprised hes made nasty comments about your weight. The crying is crocodile tears. He is following a classic script.

Your youngest cheered in front of him when he left. Like a pp said he is reaping what he sowed.

If he wants to blame someone he should go and look in the mirror.