The crying and the begging....

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

My DC didn't want to see their father - I got blamed for all sorts including child abuse for turning them against him. I actually made them see him for far longer than they wanted truth be told as I thought I was doing the right thing. He gave up after they actually told him what they thought of him. Didn't do them any favours in the long run. I wish I had had more confidence in my decisions back then. Please don't make the same mistakes I did.

He should have thought about how sad and lonely dinner for one is, when he was raping you.

I'm going home now. Have checked in with eldest all afternoon. They have had lunch, been to buy Mother's Day presents and now are playing in the garden. I will try to get him to leave before dinner but if not I think it's absolutely fair to ask him to go straight after, isn't it?

And yes I could have a blazing row but I can't bear the DC to cry like they used to.

I like that picture. Not sure I should put it on my wall but I will think of it often!!

'I am having dinner here'
'No you aren't. Bye'

The only plus point is everytime he's there for a meal I can't eat. Thereby avoiding little digs about my weight :)

Well that's just fine then. Crack on.

You can still ask him to leave and see what he says and do.
Don't have a row.
Tell him that, yes, he is on trial, and respecting your wishes at this time is paramount to him having any chance of getting back.
He must respect your boundaries, or you will report him for all the abuse and start divorce as of now.

It's absolutely reasonable to tell him to go as soon as you get home.

He's been there all day. He's been going through your fridge. If he CBA to cook his own dinner to have with the kids, then there's plenty of takeaways and the supermarkets are open until late. You're not his skivvy.

I'm just trying to be positive. I will be asking him to go but I don't want it turned against me and a huge row. The thing is to get him out of the house, That's my concern now.

The same goes for any touching or crying, or staying beyond the children's bed time.

If anything, he would be welcome to spend an hour or so with the children there and then leave on the dot.

He'll turn anything against you. There's no point dancing around him.

Did you read my other post?

You have the power now. If he does want to make it work with you, and avoid a law suit over raping you, he has to fully respect your wishes.

No i missed that.

I already feel I have one over him. He was talking the other night about how we could sell up and split the money and he could buy me a little house to live in (his words). And I was thinking "are you joking. I know damn well I will be getting most of the equity and I will buy my own fucking house".

Do I really want to do that to him with daughters the ages I have? They could find out and it could seriously screw them up.

They will be more screwed up if they find out that he raped you and you did absolutely nothing about it.

Has he asked YOU if he can stay for dinner? If not, call your eldest and say that you've made plans for dinner, you're taking them out (without him, of course) and that you expect them to be ready to leave for when you get back. Bit easier than arguing and trying to get him out of the house before making dinner. Then follow through with email as suggested.

Love - you haven't done anything to him or to your daughters! Why are you still thinking this is all your fault?

You are doing nothing to the children.
He is the rapist. He has done it.
He is the abuser.
Right now, you would only be giving him a choice, so if he doesn't respect your wishes he will be further responsible for what happens.

TELL him to leave, Toast! Tell him he doesn't live there anymore, his dinner's his own responsibility, see you in two weeks time. Go now. I said Leave.

You don't have to 'ask' him. THIS IS NOT HIS HOME. It's not his money.

Buy the bloody picture, you need the reminder!

Did he go, then? Or is he still hanging around like a bad smell?

He's just gone.

My youngest cheered when he said he was going. In front of him. He was in tears as he left again.

He really is pathetic

Sorry, but I have no blooming sympathy for him whatsoever. Have you told him contact elsewhere from now on?

It isn't normal for DC to behave like that, is it? They couldn't wait for him to go.