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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 13:36

They want to see him but somewhere they feel safe I think. It's very difficult being away from them so I guess I take some comfort in the fact they are at home.

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/03/2015 13:37

fwiw I know from some experience that when your parent does the "but im going to die or kill myself thing' that you toughen up in the end. It's extremely upsetting the first time - very. and the second. and the 5th.

But in the end, you do toughen up and you shrug. You don't want it to happen, but you do end up protecting yoruself by withdrawing. it's still hell to have that string jerking though and all it does is make you want to walk away from the manipulative shit doing it. (I was older than her other kids when the particular parent involved started doing this to me but they have said the same)

Meerka · 07/03/2015 13:38

mm I can see that.

What about going out all of you to somewhere neutral? For your own sanity you need him NOT to be in your house. It really isnt ideal for you to be playing 'happy families' like that but your own needs matter here, they've been put in last place for far too long. It has to be manageable for the kids -and- you.

mummytime · 07/03/2015 13:43

Toast - Contact is for the good of the child - not the parent. It should not happen in your home. If they don't feel safe with him outside your home, by allowing him in you are making your home less safe.

If he wants to see them then he needs to plan things to encourage them to go with him - if only a trip to Mc Donalds or the Park.

If they are just reluctant - you have them ready and they go, just like they go to school when reluctant.
If they are hysterical then you may need to rethink - but that doesn't mean letting him into your house. It may mean them not going with him that time.

currentnameinuse · 07/03/2015 13:52

No don't go out together anywhere. If he can't take them out and they don't want to see him, then try again next week. You are letting him steamroll you again and he is using your feelings of duty and guilt against you. That needs to stop.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 14:04

I really don't want to go out together. That's what he wants I think.

It's hard suggesting a park trip to a 13 and 17 year old even though the youngest would like that!

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/03/2015 14:07

Can't he take them to the cinema? Or bowling? Swimming? He cannot see them in your house, it's far too disruptive for you and (importantly) confusing for the children.

It isn't about what he wants (you need a t-shirt printing with this on). It's about what the children want. They're used to him not being very present in their lives - well, you reap as you sow.

Thumbwitch · 07/03/2015 14:09

I'm sure I or someone has already asked this but do you have no friends or relatives who could help out with this? Aunts, even? So that your DC can see him in the relative safety of a home they know, but it doesn't have to involve violating yours, where he no longer has any right to be?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/03/2015 14:09

If they don't want to see him, then they don't have to. HE needs to sort out where the children would feel comfortable, not you. And no more in YOUR home. Isn't he living with his dad (too lazy to read back up the thread)? Why can't he have the children there? Even if he only has a 1 bed flat, there's a living room and kitchen to sit in, right?

If for some reason (and I can't think of a good one) you feel it's better for the children to be in your home, then I would ask a friend to be in the house when he is to monitor his snooping.

As far as odd jobs, fair enough. He doesn't live there anymore. It's another way of you declaring independence and that it's YOUR home if you don't expect him to do them anyway.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 14:13

I wasn't asking him to do jobs. Just put his empty cup in the dishwasher! And encourage the children to do the same. He's made it clear he won't do any diy which is fine but I truly think he should be able to do normal tidying up when he is there making the mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 14:15

The thing is they don't want to spend big chunks of time with him. They never have. He has very much been on the outside rarely getting involved with them. So yes to swimming/lunch or something like that but they don't want to sit at his dad's while he tries to interact with them.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 07/03/2015 14:16

Toast - he is, of course, making a point. You need to find a way to keep him out of your home. He is going to continue to do this and it's going to make you mad - it also gives him the opportunity to fuck you up even more, by (for e.g.) moving things, stealing post, hiding things, leaving things in your home that shouldn't be there, leaving the back door unlocked so he can get in, hiding keys, etc etc etc.

Please stop allowing him unfettered access to your home. :(

IfNotNowThenWhen · 07/03/2015 14:20

If the two oldest are 13 and 17 and they don't want to go with him, then I would have thought that is their choice! I did not realise they were so old!
Your 17 yr old is practically a woman, and can make her own mind up, surely?
It is not your responsibility to facilitate contact or make things easier for him.
I had this scenario for years with my son's dad. It drove me nuts. Now he comes to visit but is not allowed inside my house. He has to find things to do with ds. He collects him all hangdog, stays in the grottiest digs he can find moans about the cost, tells ds I won't let him in the house, expects ds to think of things for them to do.
I ignore all this, they find things to do (nothing very interesting but not my concern really) and as long as ds still wants to seehis dad ,I will let him.
The minute he starts telling me he doesn't want to go with him, well, that's up to him.
As someone pointed out contact if for the children. It's their right, and if they dont want it, over the age of reason, then that is also their right.
I know it is hard for you to stop feeling that everything is down to you but it really isn't. Please report the harassment, and the sexual assaults, change the locks and tell him he can't use the children's home anymore for contact.
He will have to sort something else out. And if the children don't want to see him, tough shit frankly. That's his doing.
I am so angry on your behalf!

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 14:25

Yes they aren't babies. Which is why I struggle with the whole handing them over at the doorstep thing when they don't want to. They are awfully big to wrestle their coats and shoes on!!

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/03/2015 14:28

Agreed. Don't let him in your home. If the chldren don't want to go out with him, he just has to try again next week.

You reap what you sow. He's been on the outside all the time by his own choice. On top of that, all the manipulation and shit.

It's probably doing your children a world of good seeing you beginning to stand up to him.

FantasticButtocks · 07/03/2015 14:28

The thing is they don't want to spend big chunks of time with him. They never have. He has very much been on the outside rarely getting involved with them.

Contact with their father is for the benefit of the children. It is not for his benefit. At 13 and 17, they are old enough to decide for themselves, and their wishes need to be respected.

I wouldn't allow your home to be the place they do see him. Their home (and yours) needs to be a haven, a place of safety where you are all able to relax and feel secure. he needs to see them somewhere else, and if they won't go that week, as others have said, he can try again the following week.

tribpot · 07/03/2015 14:31

Well, then - let him take them out for lunch. If you leave him inside your house, chances are he's doing virtually no interacting with them anyway.

currentnameinuse · 07/03/2015 14:31

13 & 17 and you are letting him see them in your home! I am shocked, the way you are protecting them is like they are toddlers! Honestly, if they choose not to see him then tough, he has no choice and you really need to stop facilitating it. Why should he invade their home, and be such an arse about it too? You need to stop him treating all of you like a doormat - sorry, but you really need to get a backbone.

Thumbwitch · 07/03/2015 14:33

Gosh yes, they're far too old to be forced into contact they don't want!

Your oldest, especially, can decide if, when and where to see him. The 13yo, not so much and the youngest of course has less say. But if they're completely unused to spending time with him then it's not that surprising that they CBA now!

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 14:36

I'm not trying to protect them like toddlers but they are normal kids who want to watch tv, read, do stuff in their own home. They just aren't used to interacting with him.

I think the reason I can be so blasé about the house is there is very little there I have chosen. It's never felt like my house so I don't feel comfortable in it anyhow.

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/03/2015 14:38

even if you dont feel like it's yours, it's an important step to draw the boundaries clearly for them to see. And for yourself.

I do think you are really doing amazingly well btw, toast

Thumbwitch · 07/03/2015 14:39

But you still have personal items there, bills, letters, keys etc., don't you Toast? Underwear too? You must must must draw this boundary line.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 14:41

Tbh apart from my clothes there isn't anything personal there! I don't exist within the walls of that house!!

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/03/2015 14:45

Perhaps this is an important first step for you. Can you put some pictures that you like? Maybe get a vase and some flowers, even a new pair of curtains. Start to send the message - to yourself - 'this is my house'.

FantasticButtocks · 07/03/2015 14:46

Yes, but it is your children's home. It needs to be a sanctuary where they can be relaxed and themselves, not a place where he does whatever he wants and they are obliged to spend time with him if they don't want to.

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