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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/03/2015 16:37

Toast, you are not stupid. I may have been getting a little frustrated with your need to appease him last night but the thought did not cross my mind for one minute that you were stupid. The people who wish you harm are telling you that. All along, you have been the clever one. Your ex knows that, he knew it all along. That is why he had to reduce you somehow, and he chose the best way to do that based on your upbringing.

Shame on him. Shame

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 16:44

Yes I should have known the school would phone me first but I just panicked!

OP posts:
Meerka · 06/03/2015 16:53

toast it might be an idea next time to deliberately not pick the call up. To text back 5 or 10 minutes later and ask 'you tried to ring, I cant speak at the moment, what did you want"

the reason is that you -are- answering him, not just cutting him off cold but that you are answering in your own way and time. Taking back a bit of control. It's a subtle thing but a very good one to practise, when you are trying to break a pattern of behaviour.

Jux · 06/03/2015 19:14

So you panicked this time - entirely understandable. Happily, you will remember next time. The school will call you if there's something up, so you can safely ignore his calls, and instead of phoning him back you can text him telling him to text you. If he calls you instead you can ignore, or (once you're more used to not placating him) you can answer that you're busy can he please text. (Smile You're allowed to enjoy saying that, too!)

Glad you had a nice lunch. Hope you have a good, quiet evening.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 19:58

I gave him an absolute bollocking this evening when he called. I said in future he can call once and leave a voicemail or text. His answer was he wanted to speak to me right away. I said that can't happen, I could have been driving or at work. It's like he still expects me to jump the minute he says.

I was cross with his plans for tomorrow too. He had some things to do so wanted to pick them up at 11. I said no, that wasn't fair on them when he was supposed to be having them for the day!!

And I need to find a way to stop him saying endearments on the phone (or when he's here). It's constantly "darling, honey, sweetheart" which he never did before.

OP posts:
Meerka · 06/03/2015 20:04

would it help to tell him outright that it's creepy as all hell when he calls you those things? And every time he does it, say how creepy it is. Calling him openly on it will hopefully shut him up.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 20:06

The thing is there's a slight tone of sarcasm in them which sets me on edge.

OP posts:
Meerka · 06/03/2015 20:10

ugh. He really is a piece of work isn´t he. In your shoes I might still ask him not to do it once and then if he does it again, simply add "creep" onto whatever you reply. But maybe someone else can come up with somethign better.

He sounds so utterly invasive. The touching and these 'endearments'.

Jux · 06/03/2015 20:43

He is horrible. Really horrible.

"I have a name. Please use it."

What do you want him to call you? Toastandstrawberryjam, or Toast? Tell him, and that if he calls you other things you'll hang up and he'll have to text. Follow through.

FantasticButtocks · 06/03/2015 20:46

His answer was he wanted to speak to me right away. He thinks he can have what he wants whenever he wants it. He can't now. Not from you.

And I need to find a way to stop him saying endearments on the phone The way to stop this is to not speak to him on the phone. It isn't necessary. If he wants to say something he can text.

petalsandstars · 06/03/2015 20:47

Don't speak to him on the phone

Seriously - why not limit communication to email - all evidence then in writing and traceable.

And no whining - or crying.

You can tell him by email or letter that all communication must be relevant and to do with the children and anything else will be forwarded to your legal representative.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/03/2015 20:50

XH started to call me "girl" when we were in the throes of breaking up. I was 48 years old at the time Confused

After we'd split he rang up to tell me he'd had a dream that we were in bed together and he'd asked me if we had got back together and I'd said yes we had. I replied that if he rang me on any matters not directly involving DS4 I would report him to the police for harassment. He called me mad and paranoid, and rang off :)

GoatsDoRoam · 06/03/2015 21:02

And I need to find a way to stop him saying endearments on the phone

How about not having any more phone (or face to face) conversations with him.
Text, e-mail, and letters from solicitors are excellent evidence in court methods of communication.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2015 21:29

Try to remember that words are just words. And that's all he's saying; words. They have no force and no meaning. All sound and fury, etc. Tell him to stop, by all means, but remember that words have no power other than what we give them. Emails & texts are fine, but that won't stop him from using those words. And they are words, not 'endearments'. My DH could call me a 'silly mare' for going out to the pasture in slippers (it's happened!) and it would be an endearment because he would be saying it with a loving heart. My XH could call me 'Darling' and it would be the vilest of epithets because it would have been used sarcastically or to demean me.

Just don't respond when he does it. If he says something like "Ok then sweetheart, I'll pick the children up at 6", remain silent. When he says something ("Did you hear me?" etc) just sound surprised and say "Oh, you said 'sweetheart'. I had no idea you were talking to me since I'm NOT your 'sweetheart'. I assumed you were talking to someone else.". Do that often enough and he'll get the message.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 06/03/2015 23:23

Just don't speak to him at all. You don't have to. Job done. Fucking twat.

Thumbwitch · 07/03/2015 09:39

Do not EVER call him back.
There is no need. It's all about control again - he wants to talk to you NOW so you must answer him NOW because he is In Charge and you Must Do What He Wants. Fuck that!

As for the "endearments" - I agree, use sarcasm - "I'm sorry, who are you talking to because it sure as hell isn't me..." "Have you phoned the right number? This is Toast" etc.

NettleTea · 07/03/2015 10:10

or spell it out clearly. No more terms of endearment, especially in a sarcastic tone - say it in text or email. And warn that you will shut the conversation down - walk away/hang up - any time he does it.
If he hasnt called you these terms for the duration it is a deliberate ploy now, not a natural thing - he is making an effort to drop those terms in because he still believes, under it all, that you love him and this is just a case of him needing to be 'nice' for a while. So he is playing the role of what he thinks a woman wants - and being called sweetheart, etc is it.
Although the sarcasm is a nasty edge.

CarbeDiem · 07/03/2015 11:58

Shoot him down as soon as he calls you something other than your name.
'Please don't call me that, I'm no longer your sweetheart/darling/love'

Don't respond and ignore him if he uses those names - he'll soon get it.

Saying them with sarcasm is just showing himself for the dickhead he is.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 07/03/2015 12:14

I'm sure it is completely genuine rather than a cynical bit of play-acting, but that's not really the point, is it? I mean why wouldn't he be completely broken hearted?

If he's very sorry and very lonely and his life is in shreds now, that's a shame. But it's not of your doing and it's not your problem. A month is nothing - he'll heal, eventually. And hopefully with the help of counselling and lots of time to reflect on why this has happened to him he will learn from it, and will go forward being a better person and a better partner TO SOMEBODY ELSE next time, when he's ready to try again. But not with you. That door is closed. It closed because of him, and he needs to accept that. You really need to start detaching now.

It's not your job to help him 'deal' with it, and it's not your responsibility to make him happy at the expense of your own wellbeing.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 13:05

So cross and upset today. How do I make the DC go out with him if they don't want to???

He got to mine this morning late and all 3 DC refused to go out with him. So I went to tescos. Came back to find house a lot messier and apparently he doesn't do jobs round the house as he doesn't live there anymore... He did however enjoy a good rummage through my food shopping. Presumably looking for the lobster and caviar!

So I've gone out for the day when really I just want to hide on my own at home.

OP posts:
thenextday · 07/03/2015 13:10

Hugs to you.
H is finally taking his stuff and furniture today so I have to be out.
But you know what? The sun is shining, I have a coffee in hand and am going for lunch. With wine.
And when I get home this evening he will be gone.Smile

ouryve · 07/03/2015 13:15

This illustrates why you need to take steps to keep him out of the house as soon as you can.

currentnameinuse · 07/03/2015 13:16

If they don't want to go he leaves - he should NOT be in your house any more.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 07/03/2015 13:18

It's so difficult. He wants to see them and I understand that, but they don't feel comfortable with it. I don't want them not to see him at all but they obviously need the reassurance of their home if they have to be without me.

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/03/2015 13:31

If they don't want to go with him - show him the door and tell him to go away for that week and you'll try again next week.

Sorry toast but I don't think you should be forcing them to see him when they don't want to.

You don't want to be near him after the suicide threats. Neither do they. Their feelings in this matter are as valid as yours. Ditch the 'but he's their father' duty-guilt.