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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/03/2015 11:42

He is telling you that he put you down and controlled you on purpose. He knew fully well what he was doing.
Just as he is doing now. The apologies, the crying, the (not so) subtle sexual harassment. It's all part of his plan to get you back and to continue to abuse you. He is abusing you now, which is why you must stop it.
You don't have to get angry, you can keep your calm façade. Just set your boundaries and stick to them. Anything you are not comfortable with, don't accept.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 11:43

Oh and I can make flat pack furniture. And paint. I was never allowed to often of course because I "wasn't very good at it". I'm thinking that actually I might well be just fine at it.......

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 06/03/2015 11:47

Keep thinking of all these things Toast and the anger will come.
It's great when it does.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 06/03/2015 11:48

toast, someone on here once recounted how she was told that life would be unrecognisably dire without her H, because she'd 'have no help'. She cheerfully informed us that her dad had loaned her a key for the gas meter box and mowed the lawn, so she was doing very well thank you Grin

It stuck in my mind as one of the more glaring examples of the difference between the truth as we perceive it and the truth as it actually stands.

NettleTea · 06/03/2015 11:49

He stole your life Toast, like your mother stole your childhood. Both of them stole your time, your future, your potential, your happiness in order to make themselves feel better, to achieve their own desires.

The solicitor made you feel like a person, and every solicitor will make you feel like a person, in fact every 'normal' person will view you as a person, because thats what you are.

The only people who want you to feel like a failure are the two who want you back in the box so that they can continue to use your suffering to boost their own feelings.

Its time to get angry Toast, time to get really fucking angry and use that energy to DEMAND back the life you should have had, and can still have.

I am 12 years older than you, and have been to university at around the same age as you are now, after splitting from my ex. I had a 2 year old, who at 4 was diagnosed with a life-threatening progressive disease. I completed my final year pregnant and took my clinical finals with a child, literally, at the breast. Your children are older so there is no reason at all that you couldnt go to uni if you wanted. There is alot of support for single parents to do that. Maybe that can be your goal, your prize, at the end of this.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 11:53

My prize will be my life back to do what I want. I already enjoy the simple things, going to bed when I want, wearing my pjs past 8am at the weekends, not eating vegetables. It's liberating :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 11:54

I don't want to have to go back to being told when to go to bed!!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 06/03/2015 11:55

all the time you maintain the facade of the happy successful marriage you mother can kid herself that what happened wasnt so bad - that you turned out OK and the choices she made were good choices for her and, ultimately, for you too. No harm done. Men are like that. Blah blah balh.

You leaving blows it open, exposes the damage - points the finger right back where it belongs. She sounds like a narc. Being blamed and social humiliation are 2 of the things they will try hardest to avoid. She is using her FOG tactics to the full (fear, obligation, guilt) to try to force you back into scapegoat role.

And we all know what HE wants......

NettleTea · 06/03/2015 11:56

Yes, a life free to choose.
To choose to be happy and to give your children a positive, relaxed and happy home
Thats the greatest prize!

VeryAgedParent · 06/03/2015 12:39

I have read all this thread Toast.
The only reason that he is weeping and wailing is that he is not getting his own way, it may help you to think of him as a spoilt child, so you stop feeling affected by him or sorry for him.

Think about it if he had any residual affection for you, he would have gone out in the dark and mowed the lawn for you!

Momagain1 · 06/03/2015 12:41

In so many of these threads, that the MNer has spent her adult life sleeping or waking up when told to is the absolutely most revealing thing to me.

Adults don't do that.

Other things, like tracking expenses, are actions that CAN be part of a reasonable couples habits though can also be used as control method. But dictating sleep is removing a persons bodily autonomy at a very basic level.

Anyone living that way has to have to have a manipulating, abusive, twat of a partner. Because couples dont do that. There is no reasonable explanation. No normal level of it that can be twisted.

CarbeDiem · 06/03/2015 13:33

I haven't read all of the replies only your posts Toast
Please do be careful with the niceness and allowing him access into 'family life' - I know it's difficult when you're that kind of person who just want's to do the right thing by everyone.

I followed a similar road to you after splitting with my twat of an exh.
Allowed him to see the dc pretty much when he wanted and tried my best to keep a friendly air - when, in fact, I wanted to poke something sharp in his eyes for what he'd put me through over the years.
Due to his work I allowed him to pop in to see the dc at, mostly, his convenience. If he was going to be a while I would go visit a friend to remove myself. I done that quite often.
He was way too involved in my life still - wanting to know where I was going, with who etc.. He hated the fact I started going out with friends and made new ones. He actually turned up at mine at 3am one night because he KNEW I'd brought someone home - I hadn't, not that it was any of his business anyway, but I felt forced to let him check. I started to realise then that he still had some small control over my life.

He invaded my privacy and broke my trust massively in so many ways but the worst probably was going into my bedroom, while I was out, then later informing me that the new underwear I'd bought was nice. Also that I didn't need to visit the Ann Summers shop as he would kindly do it for me - he conveniently forget the fact I'd stopped having sex with him ages before I asked him to leave dickhead Not only had he crossed a line by going in there - he'd had to have dug so deep to find my purchases - this scared me.
I began to toughen up with him - ignored his crying, anger, accusations and frequent suicide threats but most importantly kept him out of my house.
This alone didn't help as he soon moved into a flat close enough to where he could see my house - it was like living in a goldfish bowl.
Anyway - 11/12 months after I made him leave - I slowly began another relationship, although at this point we were just friends.

The shit well and truly hit the fan because in his deluded mind -he hoped we'd get back together - despite me telling him we never would on a weekly basis. He based his hope on my niceness.
He not only tried to ruin me, he actually succeeded in so many ways, including destroying my relationships with some members of MY OWN family.
Like I said at the start of my post - Please do be careful, be strong in cutting him out of your life as much as possible.
Take care.

FantasticButtocks · 06/03/2015 14:03

These two people - your mother and your husband have proved themselves to be harmful to you.

Their 'opinions' about how good or bad you are, how clever or stupid you are, how able or unable you are… SHOULD NOT INFLUENCE YOU ANYMORE!

Sorry for shouting, but (and I'm going to do it again) IT IS YOUR TURN NOW! Your turn to live EXACTLY as you want to. I would not waste one ounce of guilt on people like this. Life is quite short and your seriously need to stop wasting any of yours on them.

You need to stop being in the position where he is able to tell you anything. You don't need to hear it. You do need to put your needs first now.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 14:09

Just had a nice lunch with a friend and checked my phone to find seven missed calls from him and then he didn't answer his phone when I called back.

Was panicking it was one of the DC ill but no he wanted to tell me he was going skiing with work colleagues for a week and was that ok?

Hallelujah :)

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/03/2015 14:11

That's your opportunity to change the locks.
and keep your fingers crossed for a skying accident

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 06/03/2015 14:12

Gosh, he sounds just devastated! Grin

A nice week off for you. When's he going?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 14:18

Yes he's obviously so desperate to see his DC and fix things with me that he's going on holiday Hmm

Week after next.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 14:18

But calling me seven times? Just bloody text me!!!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 06/03/2015 14:21

yippee.
One week off
another week to gain strength
another week to progress the divorce
and soon its Easter and you can escape with the DC for some more alone time

AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2015 14:21

Toast Have you taken a moment to realize how strong you are? We think when we are being abused that we are 'small' and weak. But in reality we are strong because we are able to put up with it and survive. We may have been using our strength to keep us in a bad place, but it is still strength. Now you can turn it to positive strength; making and keeping you strong against him.

Have you thought of making a list of his bad points. You don't have to detail each little incident, just a general 'cheat sheet' of his behaviours and attitudes to read when you are feeling weak. Abusers are very, very good at manipulating us into forgetting our grievances and the truths about them and thinking of their 'feelings' or 'needs' instead. Keep it with you, read it just before you have to see him. Put it in a pocket and touch it when you are around him.

As far as your 'mother', she doesn't deserve to be called by that name. Mothers are caring, mothers sacrifice all for their children. She is a selfish monster.

NettleTea · 06/03/2015 14:23

control control control.
He needs to know you are there waiting to answer when HE wants to talk to you. The fact you did not, and it was not about anything that couldnt wait, and yet he kept ringing, should absolutely highlight the control.
He wants to talk RIGHT NOW
so he will keep ringing until you talk.
I expect he didnt answer on purpose too.

Thumbwitch · 06/03/2015 15:04

Totally what Nettle said.

I wouldn't have called him back though, unless he was actually looking after his children while you had lunch?

FantasticButtocks · 06/03/2015 15:55

checked my phone to find seven missed calls from him and then he didn't answer his phone when I called back. next time this happens do not call him back! If it was important re DCs he would have left a message. He was 'asking' if it was ok for him to go on holiday? After he had already decided to go anyway? Pointless exercise then. I do hope you told him that whatever he does now is no concern of yours anymore

FantasticButtocks · 06/03/2015 15:57

And of course he godnt answer when you rang him back - he was giving you a taste of your own medicine.

NettleTea · 06/03/2015 16:18

and if it was to do with the children, surely the school would have contacted you first - you would at least have had a missed call by them first.

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