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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:13

I can assure you that if I never ever saw him again I would be glad. I have spent the last five years desperate to be free and nothing would change my mind. But having seen several of my friends totally fuck up their kids by using them as pawns I don't want to do that. I think because of that I am going too far the other way. That and always wanting to be seen as a nice person.

I don't want to hurt my children. At the moment they are happy with things the way they are and I'm trying to keep things that way. I agree I'm probably making all kinds of mistakes.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/03/2015 23:18

Have you actually asked them? Or probed them?

Lweji · 05/03/2015 23:19

Have they experienced being free from him to be able to tell the difference?
Have you?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:22

I've gently probed them. It's hard not to push them too much. My youngest has said that daddy can't come back yet because he might still be naughty. Middle one has said that she misses the idea of daddy and wants to be able to see him but not much and my eldest has only said that she's very sad we aren't a proper family but it's better now we aren't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:24

I've asked them if they want to see him more, or less. They've all said less so that's what I'm aiming for.

He's sad about that and I can understand that, but I wasn't the one who threatened suicide in front of them. That was the tipping point for them as well as me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/03/2015 23:26

There you go.
Clean boundaries, minimum contact.
Make the children happy.

Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 23:27

FGS find another solicitor, one who isn't into appeasement.

This is not about making him pay, it's about getting what is fair for you and your DC. Appeasement won't do that.

You are not going to fuck up your DC by setting rigid rules about contact - if he can't stick to them, then any "upfucking" will be his fault, but tbh they probably won't even care.

STOP letting him anywhere NEAR you. He should NOT have hands on you AT ALL, let alone sniffing your fucking hair, what is wrong with you??
FUCK him and his crocodile tears, he doesn't give a SHIT about you or your feelings, it's all about HIM and always will be!!

YOU have to stop taking responsibility for his "feelings"/acting up - it is NOT YOURS. Give it back to the stupid melodramatic wanker!
HE is making himself feel bad by feeling all sorry for himself, if any of it's even real, which I strongly doubt.

PLEASE grow some thicker skin and STOP being suckered into his games. PLEASE!

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 23:28

Then I don't understand why you are putting your own resolve at risk to facilitate contact. That just reinforces even more to me the reason you let him in is actually nothing to do with the children at all.

They are not arsed. But you still are.

FantasticButtocks · 05/03/2015 23:29

I hate making another person so sad. Is it you who is making him sad? With your nice-smelling hair like an old Alsatian? And your protesting at his abuse? Or is it more of a performance designed to get you to do what he wants, do you think? He is getting his just desserts, and he doesn't like it. Tough shit.

ouryve · 05/03/2015 23:31

Gawd, what a pathetic twatwaffle he is.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:33

I've been thinking a lot about whether I actually want to see him. But I'm really sure I dont. I find it so upsetting, I'm not sobbing crocodile tears but I have this horrendous feeling of failure everytime he leaves crying. and the same feeling when he asks to see them and I want to say no. I feel like a bad person if I say no. And I think I see the hair sniffing and trying to kiss me as a punishment for what I've done. That all sounds a bit messed up I know.

But I know I don't want him back, I want to see what happiness is like.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 23:35

Why in the name of all that's holy do you think you deserve to be punished???

Oh dear.

I'm really sorry, I know I'm being harsh but you are truly fucked in the head at the moment and you really need to see a counsellor ASAP to get this all sorted - I KNOW it's not your fault, it's his, but you MUST start doing something to sort it out!

Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 23:37

To be clear, I only mean "fucked in the head" in relation to your relationship with your wanker H. Not in any other way.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:37

Yes I think I'm realising that!!

Probably what's not helping is the email I received from my mum yesterday telling me how selfish I am, have ruined DCs lives with my bad choices etc.

It doesn't make me want to give in but it does ramp up the feeling of this all being my fault.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 23:38

Oh if you have an abusive mother as well then no wonder! tell her to fuck off as well. :)

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 23:38

if you keep thinking this is all your fault, you will take him back if only to stop those feelings of guilt

Get some counselling, and quick

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:40

I have :) Nonetheless those are the lessons I learnt. To keep trying at a marriage no matter what. Hence the feelings of failure and that I must keep the man of the house happy.

I'm trying to unravel all of that whilst keep him out of the door and look after the DC.

OP posts:
ouryve · 05/03/2015 23:41

That happiness would be for both you and the kids. They've made that clear.

And look how outnumbered he is. He's a big boy and can look after himself. You owe it to your kids to enable them to experience that certainty and happiness that they're craving.

It's not like allowing your H to visit actually makes him happy. If you don't see him, then you don't see him putting on the wounded puppy act, either.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 23:41

Please take the advice on your thread. if you don't trust yourself (yet)... trust us.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:42

I won't. I don't even like being in the same room as him. He has actually done me a massive favor by growing a beard. He now looks like my abusive stepfather which doesn't help his cause.

Ah, hang on, I'm seeing another link here!!!

OP posts:
ouryve · 05/03/2015 23:42

And fuck your mother. She can live with him, if she wants.

FantasticButtocks · 05/03/2015 23:43

Write him an email telling him how it will be from now on:

He will not be coming to the house in the evenings.

He will not spew his emotions out all over you.

You do not wish to be drawn into any more discussions. You have decided it's over, no more discussion is needed. If he needs someone to talk to he needs to turn elsewhere.

Official business only, by email, between you from now on.

Send the email and then stick with what you've said. You owe this bastard nothing.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:43

It's sending me into child mode. That's why I'm not standing up to him. I've done all this in counselling before, I should have remembered it!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 23:47

YY, trust us.

Ignore anyone who tells you to put up with this shit. If your mother modelled a shit marriage, then in fact you can turn it round on her and tell her that in fact, it's HER fault and HER shit choices that led you to where you are today - suck on that, bitch! (her, not you).

YOU are making the right choices now for your children by showing them that this is NOT the way a marriage should work, and that they should NOT put up with crap like this. You are also giving them the chance at a happy home, instead of the eggshells one they've been in until now. YOU are doing the RIGHT things. Wankface and your mother are the ones In The Wrong.

But yes, you really really need some counselling ASAP to get you to see that clearly - to turn your life view around. You've got your eye half open to it, or you wouldn't have chucked him out in the first place - now just get the rest of you there and realise that he does not deserve your sympathy, he does not deserve your guilt (why? You have none! It's ALL HIS FAULT for being a rapey emotionally abusive bastard!)

I'm being very shouty today. I hope it's having the right effect and not putting you off reading my rants.

Have some Wine and Thanks to show I'm quite nice really. :)

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 23:47

You have a feeling of failure because you have had years of conditioning that your job, your prime reason for being, is to make him happy. Simple as that.
But truth is, he is making himself unhappy, he is wallowing and embracing the sadness in order to pile the guilt on in the way that he knows will affect you the most. I expect your mother or father used to do the same - make you feel responsible for their feelings, make sure you did what you were told and was a good little girl who put everyone else first, called you selfish and made you feel guilty if you thought of yourself for more than one moment.
But you know what. Your children are not really that fussed if they see him. They would probably be more than happy to go out for the day with him once a week. He has probably seen them more this last month than he did in the previous 5 years. They probably find that a bit wierd and upsetting. Theoretically they say they like the idea of a dad, but in the cold light of day they dont want you together. They have blossomed with his absence. I would not be surprised if they are hearing all his meladramatics and are pretending to sleep to save talking about it.
If you can do one thing. Just one thing. Keep him out of the house and away from you. Tell him straight not to come near you or touch you. Let him come and take the children out at the weekend. Dont let him in. Dont get drawn into ANY conversation (earlier you said you wouldnt talk, but somehow he has managed to make you go back on that firm boundary you set) Be firm. Be precise with your boundaries and arrangements to give as little wriggle room as possible. Practice some conversation shut downs.

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