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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 05/03/2015 23:50

And I bet he isnt crying at his dad's house, at work, or at the gym.
He is saving it all up for you.
God I hate him

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:55

Thank you. That is exactly it. I was always responsible for my mothers happiness. And met DH at 17 and was then responsible for his. It's just what I did and it was horrible when I failed and wasn't what he wanted. He would tell me he could have done better and that I should be grateful that he wanted me. So I was.

So I just can't put myself first, but I can put the DC first and they do think it's odd that he's here so much to them. And taking them swimming and to the shops WHEN HE NEVER FUCKING BOTHERED BEFORE! Sorry for the shouting but that's just occurred to me!

In fact what has also just occurred to me is the immortal words my mother uttered when she fitted a lock on the inside of my bedroom door to stop my step father taping me as he had tried to (rather than leaving him!!) "men just can't help themselves, they have needs". And that's why I've let all this happen because I thought it was ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:57

Raping not taping! Even my phone struggles with that word!!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 23:58

Holy cow. Wow. But at least she protected you to some measure (was "taping" a typo, btw?) - it would be interesting to know how far back the abuse goes in her line too. Perhaps she was abused too, who knows. I'm not condoning her behaviour in any way because she too could have chosen to put a stop to it all; but it might show more reason for why she was like that.

Shout away. Anger is your friend and we're here to listen. :)

Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 23:58

Xpost - thought so. Well done for owning the word at last.

Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 23:58

Xpost - thought so. Well done for owning the word at last.

Stoatystoat · 05/03/2015 23:58

toast my heart is breaking for you. It's so sad how we replay what happened to us in our younger years. It's like everything cumulates so you go through it again with the memories of going through it before.

Wishing you continued luck and strength

bedelia · 06/03/2015 00:01

toast please listen to the advice on this thread and FGS take it! I can assure you from bitter experience that continuing the way you are things will most certainly get worse. It will NOT get easier for either you or DH until you cut all ties and take steps to protect yourself and your children!

No more contact with him. Every encounter or phone call will do two things:

  1. Provide opportunity for him to continue the EA
  2. Remind him of what he has lost

This also goes for allowing him in the house for contact (which I'll elaborate on later).

It is NOT in your DC's best interests to see this, or feel the consequences because of how it affects you!

First thing tomorrow, call WA. They will not only be able to give useful, practical advice (and the name of a solicitor who will know how to help) they can lend an ear and good counsel.

I have a feeling that because of the EA, you will be legally allowed to change the locks, even if the house+/mortgage is in DH's name. You will probably need to do this. EA men are likely to turn nasty, he may try to enter the house when you aren't there (if he hasn't already) or suddenly decide he's moving back in. Prevention is better than cure.

Sorry if it's already been mentioned, but why can't H see the DC's earlier? Does he finish work late? If it's a case of "won't" rather than "can't" it proves he's hoping for time to spend with you (control) rather than actually spending quality time with your DCs.

FantasticButtocks · 06/03/2015 00:05

Step into you adult shoes. It is time. Smile

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 00:06

He can't see them earlier because of long hours and a long commute. I personally think he is senior enough to be able have the flexibility of getting to see them early one evening a week. I think he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
bedelia · 06/03/2015 00:08

Exactly, toast. He wants to see them at bedtime so that once they're tucked in he can wrangle some time alone with you...

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 00:08

Yes I know my mum has reacted so strongly because she sees it as a reflection of her parenting skills. Her email also told me how awful life on my own with the DC would be.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 06/03/2015 00:08

Gosh so many post in the time it took me to post! I see the 'moment' has occurred. Your moment of realisation Thanks

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 00:09

He always liked them in bed asleep before he got home when he was here. He hated them being up and wanting to see him. Now of course he is worlds best dad.....

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/03/2015 00:10

Why are you still going round in circles about seeing them early and so on?

He should be getting to see them at a contact centre, supervised, defined times. End of.
At best.

Why aren't you writing that email to tell him things are changing? Don't send it right away. Change the locks first, or install bolts. Then send email.
And FGS get the law working for you.

NettleTea · 06/03/2015 00:12

He could if he wanted to, but it suits him more to do a minimal, very easy bit of 'seeing the kids' and then a couple of hours wailing at you.

And if he CANT (read wont) come early to take them out for dinner (doesnt need to be MacDonalds, though TBH it really wouldnt kill them once a week - even my pathetic ex used to manage eating out) then he doesnt get to see them during the week.

house is calmer. No weirdness. No feeling guilty (and some time to work on FEELING ANGRY). lovely.

And he can take them out, for the whole day, on one day at the weekend. And you can go and do something nice, like eat cake.

FantasticButtocks · 06/03/2015 00:12

Your mum is making it all about her. Ignore all her comments, they are so unhelpful and unsupportive.

bedelia · 06/03/2015 00:13

He'll also be of the persuasion that it's in the DC's best interests to see them at home (so that he retains the opportunity for contact with you).

Sorry to be so blunt, this is awful for you and your DCs but I promise that once you can get him to arms length it will start to feel so much better. Sending hugs and Flowers and good vibes to help you stay strong!

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 00:14

I will indeed be eating cake this weekend. And going to the cinema.

I don't mind them having mcd's once a week but at a normal teatime, not 7. He doesn't want to change his life at all, so much for changing. I need to remember that.

OP posts:
GallicIsCharlie · 06/03/2015 00:14

You need to keep having these moments, Toast Flowers Did I read that you have your own counsellor now? Thank fuck for that :) You need & deserve support through this - you have been doing so well, and it will get SO much easier once your 'hidden' feelings (for want of a better word) have lost the power to drive your 'surface' ones.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 00:15

I wonder if the DC feel weird him being here. They have all asked if we can move, so none of them feel comfortable.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 06/03/2015 00:15

OK, well don't let your mum heap guilt onto you as well just because she sees her own mistakes staring back at her. She's just trying to make herself feel better about her own situation - if you get out and do it by yourself, it will show her up for being even more crap by not getting out.

You are not responsible for her feelings any more either (you never were, of course, but you were trained to believe you were).

I'm going to PM you.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 06/03/2015 00:16

No counsellor yet. Will try to get to GP next week to be referred.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 06/03/2015 00:16

the law WILL help you
a solicitor WILL help you - they can request that ALL communication comes via them, and the divorce judge takes a very dim view of husbands who ignore solicitors. As do the police.

The solicitor can say all the stuff you want to say but feel scared to, and can confirm that you are absolutely right to say it. They act as a protective barrier between you and him, they absorb all the crap and just tell you what you need to know.

Imagine how lovely it would be to not have him cry and put his hands all over you, ever again.

Womens aid can put you in touch with the right solicitor, and also a IDVA(??) who can even help represent you in court if needed.

NettleTea · 06/03/2015 00:19

Think WA offer counselling too - look to see if there is a local number for you by googling your area and WA/refuge - there is alot of outreach stuff.

In the meantime you could do the Freedom Programme online, or find if there is a local group? think its only £10. Hell, Id even pay for you to do that if you cant get the money for it

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