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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:35

I've told him he isn't allowed to come anymore in the evenings unless he can get here at a sensible time. And he can't have them both days in a weekend.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 22:36

after this display of arseholery from him why are you still letting him even over the doorstep ? Why are you not listening to any of the advice on your thread ?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:42

So I should stop him seeing his children? Is that not going to hurt them?

I really don't know what I'm supposed to do, I'm trying very hard to keep it all civilised and amicable because I know I have years of dealing with him ahead of me.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 05/03/2015 22:42

Toast, you seem to stand firm and then loosen up with a get out clause.

'Not allowed to come here in the evenings anymore' = good
'Unless he can get here at a sensible time' = bad. What is a sensible time exactly? Why keep giving him access to hold you hostage and sniff your hair?

He will just manipulate you with the get out clauses that you are offering him.

Jux · 05/03/2015 22:44

That's good, Toast. Did he agree to that, or is he going to come banging on the door tomorrow at bedtime again?

Please don't feel sorry for him. He is putting on a very calculated act; don't be taken in by it, though it's quite tempting to believe that his heart is broekn and all that, it really isn't. He's probably wiped his snot away before he'd got round the corner and went off to the pub to meet his mates and have a few drinks.

DeliciousMonster · 05/03/2015 22:44

Men like that do not do civilised.

He has the kids, every other weekend at his, and one evening the alternate week. At his. He comes to the door, knocks and you will let them out. Upon return, he knocks or they do, they enter and he leaves.

Stop this nonsense or you will never get out of this.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:44

A sensible time is 6pm, not 7.30!! And I said that for good reason, because I know he won't do it! So I know I won't have to see him most evenings from now on. He asked about having the DC one weekday eve a week and I said yes, from school pick up to drop off next day. He suggested 7 in the eve and would bring them to me at 6 the next morning. I said no. He's showing that he isn't willing to be flexible at all.

OP posts:
Jux · 05/03/2015 22:45

DeliciousMonster has the right of it.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:46

He has no mates to go to the pub with. He's rapidly starting to realise that he has nothing.

OP posts:
PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 05/03/2015 22:50

But that is not your problem, toast. His tears = not your problem. Don't let him make you feel that they are your problem.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 22:50

You have been advised upthread how to manage his contact with the children.

He needs to finish work early one day a week, pick them up from school, take them out for tea and drop them at your gatepost at a reasonable hour. The on one weekend day, he again takes them out somewhere.

All contact to be out of the house. Away from you. Always, everything, away from you.

if I were him, I would think you were just holding out until you caved in. That you were getting some sort of macabre satisfaction at making me jump through hoops and pay for my mistakes, but ultimately you were listening and absorbing my bullshit

is this the message you are (even unconsciously) happy to convey ?

I think you should be examining your mindset very carefully indeed. How you set the scene now is how it will go forward. Being firm now if you really want him out of your life except as a co-parent is how it will go forward.

Anything else just screams more codependency to me. At the moment, neither of you seem to be breaking the cycle. You are leaving yourself wide open to get sucked back in, despite your protestations here. That old adage "actions speak louder than words" applies to you as well as him...don't forget that.

RandomMess · 05/03/2015 22:52

Well done, carry on developing that back bone.

Always think, what do the dc need, what do I need.

DH??? f*ck his needs!

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:53

As I said I've tried to be firm about contact. There is no way he is willing to do weekday contact in that way which is why I've said he can't have them during the week. They get tired, they don't need to see him at 7.30, they didn't use to see him during the week anyhow.

And yes I've told him one day at weekends only and I will hold firm to that because I deserve time with them too.

If he was missing them that much he would try and spend quality time with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:55

I don't want him to jump through hoops. Frankly I want him to find someone else and stop annoying me, I don't care about making him pay for what he's done.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 22:56

he isn't interested in seeing the children

this isn't about seeing the children

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 22:59

Then keep him the fuck out of your house.

Lweji · 05/03/2015 23:00

Nobody can cope with the crying and the pity party.
That is why you must stop contact.

Or just go back to the guy.

You will have to cut the ties at some point. Quick and sharp is usually the least painful.

gamerchick · 05/03/2015 23:00

Toast you're on really dangerous ground. You don't owe this guy anything. Nothing has changed and his only thinking is getting back into the house.

If you carry on letting him in each night behaving like he is you will have a wobble and let him back.

This is a fact.

No more letting him in the house.. This is so important. Think.of your kids long term.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:01

Surely if he comes at 6 in the evening it's better to see the DC at home? My youngest will not appreciate going out in the dark to sit in McDonald's or wherever when what she needs is a warm bath and stories! It's not their fault he's an arse and the marriage has fallen to bits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 23:03

I think it will gradually naturally dwindle. He already can't do every evening (clashes with gym apparently).

Trust me, I won't give in. I feel sorry for him but if I let him back I won't ever get him out again!!!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/03/2015 23:04

NO it isn't. HE IS NOT COMING TO SEE THE KIDS. They are an excuse.

He stops coming until he packs in the crying thing. Tell him and tell yourself that.

Until you get to the next stage you'll be stuck for ages in this loop. It's up to you.

Contact comes later.. let your kids heal.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 23:05

Look, he's been there until gone 10pm this evening. He prevented you from eating. he has been hugging you and sniffing your hair. You have been "talking"

These are not the actions of someone who will never give in (currently).

If he has no accomodation of his own and you don't want them dragged to MaccyD's in the evening dark then he can only see them during the day at weekend. The End.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 23:07

Both of you are fooling yourselves that this is all about "seeing the kids".

This is all about you seeing each other. Him to try and talk you round. You to watch him doing it and see how far you let him go and still resist.

A dangerous game. It will eb the undoing of you.

Lweji · 05/03/2015 23:11

Do not underestimate him and don't underestimate his resilience.

You are only damaging yourself. And the kids, yes.

Lweji · 05/03/2015 23:12

One of these days he may well rape you again. And you will blame yourself too.