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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 20:38

but many solicitors will agree to payment on completion any way. And if YOU are the petitioner then sometimes he will pay your costs

chimchimini · 05/03/2015 20:39

Er, rape in marriage is very fucking uncommon indeed because most men are decent human beings. Please do not make excuses for this pathetic 'man'.

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 20:40

most current info, and legal aid checker

sus14 · 05/03/2015 20:42

I couldn't afford it. I can't get to my equity without a divorce. When I'm done I m going to join a campaign about this. Lots of talk but system still stinks. I had to force court to take my application as they said only by appointment- I had to tell them it was emergency application hence no appt. I did spend £100 on a solicitor who told me what to do- but it was bloody scary all the same (although as I said- quite easy in reality!)

I think you should talk to womens aid about whether you could get a non mol- or how you protect yourself from all this EA.

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 20:43

so basically your solicitor told you to keep your head down, rely on your husband to suddenly start to be financially supportive and respect you, and wait it out for the 2 years.
I think you need a hard ball solicitor

Lweji · 05/03/2015 21:11

BTW, I post this quite a lot in here, but NCDV offer a free service for urgent no molestation/injunction orders, particularly where there has been domestic violence.
Do contact them to enquire about it.

mix56 · 05/03/2015 21:24

Will you please just ring WA, you will get lots of answers to your basic questions, incl a solicitor who is ON YOUR SIDE

ouryve · 05/03/2015 21:33

It doesn't matter how common marital rape is amongst your friends. It's wrong and there's laws against it. Any solicitor who ignores or minimises that shouldn't be in their job.

This is 2015, not 1815.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:16

I can't do this. I just can't.

He's finally left after "popping round" to see the DC at 7. I've had no dinner and am exhausted and still have a ton of jobs to do.

He sobbed and sobbed as he was leaving. Holding onto me and sniffing my hair. I reminded him that he had told me before how my hair was like an old Alsatian. Which set him off crying that he should have appreciated me when he had the chance. And how he would never ever get over losing me.

I hate this. I hate making another person so sad. I know I should be able to be tough but I'm not. He gets to go back to his dad's and have another adult to speak to and I'm the one falling apart.

OP posts:

Lweji · 05/03/2015 22:19

Don't do it. Distance yourself from him.
Shut down all contact with him.
He is not bloody sad. He is abusing you through this charade of being sad.
I'm sure he's feeling sorry for himself. Where is his compassion for you?

Stand up for yourself, as you would a burglar, or someone who assaulted you in the street.

DeliciousMonster · 05/03/2015 22:20

You mean you dont like somene pretending to be sad. Different thing entirely.

currentnameinuse · 05/03/2015 22:21

so he turns on the waterworks and you back down? You know that he is pushing all your buttons and manipulating you. Please stop him coming round. He doesn't live with you any more

Please call Women's Aid.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 22:23

Take him back then ?

You will have to "do it" ...what choice do you have ?

Stop letting him snivel all over you. Why did you let him close enough to "sniff your hair" ? If he is forcing physical contact on you call the police and have him removed

If you don't stand up for yourself, this is all you are going to get. he just thinks you are going to put him through a bit of punishment, get "own back" for his poor treatment of you for a while and then when you think you have wrung every last apology out of him you will take him back

I think that's what you might do too. Is it ?

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:23

Im not backing down. I'm just not coping very well with it right now. I can't beat him crying, it's like listening to a small child cry, and he truly does have nothing without us, that's what he's really crying for.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/03/2015 22:24

Ah man toast keeping them out in the early days is the HARDEST part.

If you let him back now you'll never get him out.

Think of your bairns... Their happiness becomes before his. Let him back now and you'll all regret it.

Tell him he doesn't get to come on an evening anymore . STOP letting him in while he's doing the crying thing.. hoof him in to the next stage.

NickiFury · 05/03/2015 22:25

You're further along than you think "I reminded him he said my hair was like an old Alsatian". I laughed at that I am afraid, the fact that you totally burst his little weepy bubble. You're not as beaten down as you think that you thought of that and challenged his current nonsensical rewriting of your "marriage" and interactions. It's a small thing but it's important to realise what it means.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:25

No I can truly say he could cry enough to flood the house and I still wouldn't take him back. For a very simple reason that won't change. I don't love him anymore. and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't love. He scared my children who are the most precious thing I have and I can't love somebody who did that.

OP posts:

currentnameinuse · 05/03/2015 22:26

why are you letting him over the threshold let alone within sniffing distance of you?

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 22:27

Then why have you allowed him to hold you hostage in your own house until gone 10pm when you haven't even eaten ? Why is he close enough to "sniff your hair" ? Why is he still gettig the airtime to bombard you with this shit ?

Shut. Him. Down

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:27

He didn't deny he had said that about my hair!! He just said it always smelt nice. He thinks shitty comments about me are ok and that is how I know he hasn't really changed. If he had said that was an awful thing to have said then I might have felt more sorry for him.

I have nice hair. Everyone says so. Apart from him obviously.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:28

We were talking and actually getting somewhere. Which is why I let him stay. But then the sobbing started.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/03/2015 22:30

Seriously I've been there. Next time he comes on an evening, keep.the key in the lock and don't answer the door. If he hammers and won't leave, ring the police and have him removed.

I'm deadly serious... It sounds as if one telling off from the law will all it will take.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 22:30

What are the children doing while he holds you hostage, snivelling all over you, admiring your hair and generally tormenting you ?

NickiFury · 05/03/2015 22:33

My ex was like this, insisting on being round all the time but aggressive more than snivelly. I had to call the police once or twice but it did see him off, he was scared of them. I agree a police telling off might be just the ticket for helping to mop up those waterworks.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 22:33

Luckily for them they were all fast asleep!!

OP posts:

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