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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/03/2015 18:02

Well done Toast for getting this far, visit some more solicitors and find one you're happy with.

Jux · 05/03/2015 19:30

OK Toast, well done. This solicitor is clearly not the right one for you.

Please ring WA, talk to them and get some recommendations for shit hot lawyer for you.

Please tell the police what he has done, and follow through. Two reasons - they will flag up your address and get to you double quick if he turns up and starts anything - you have no idea how or when he will turn nasty but he will, and you may need protection and help when he does. The other is that you will get legal aid for the Court and solicitor, and you will need it.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2015 19:35

I think you need to find a solicitor who not only understand abuse, but also will play 'hard ball' on your behalf, be a real advocate for you. Your inclination to play nice and not make waves is understandable, truly it is, but it isn't going to really get you what you want or need. It won't make him 'sweet', it will make him believe that he is winning which will in turn cause him to keep up the inappropriate and intrusive behaviours. He'll believe that all he has to do is wait you out and wear you down.

You need to be brutally honest with the solicitor. Hold nothing back, including the rape. The solicitor will leave it up to you whether or not you want to involve the police. You need a non-mol order to keep him away from you and away from the house. That can be put in place before the formal divorce proceedings and will give you the peace and breathing room you need.

tipsytrifle · 05/03/2015 19:54

Toast if you can get legal aid that is a phenomenal amount of financial help ... awful that you had to pay for it in all but blood but please take it if you can get it. This is why you need everything recorded in official places.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 20:19

Legal aid? For the divorce? I don't think I can, can I?

He's round at the moment. Just asked if we could talk. I said if we do then it will be about moving things on. He said in that case he never wants to talk.....

Keeps saying he knows now what he did wrong, he can change, he realises what he might lose etc etc.

Then I nicely asked if while he's round Sat he could now the lawn. I have an ongoing back problem and that's one of the things that always sets it off. He said if he doesn't get the benefit of living here he isn't doing any jobs here. FFS!!

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/03/2015 20:21

Of course you can.
He is abusive.
He raped you, FGS!

Lweji · 05/03/2015 20:21

Keeps saying he knows now what he did wrong, he can change, he realises what he might lose etc etc.

He doesn't and he won't, because he is still doing it.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 20:22

The thing is, from talking to my friends, that really isn't that uncommon. so I'm not sure any solicitor would see it as a big deal.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 05/03/2015 20:24

What isn't uncommon?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 20:26

Sex without consent in marriage. And yes I know what the word is but I don't like typing it.

OP posts:
sus14 · 05/03/2015 20:27

If you own property you can't get legal aid at all for domestic abuse now, for this reason I had to represent myself in court to get a non mol this week- the court hated it and it was stressful but actually not that hard. You would get one, I should think, I didn't have to provide any proof, my ex was violent but I didn't have to give a crime ref or anything.

I ve read this thread with interest as my ex is very emotional like yours and has always been able to push my buttons this way. And like you I wasn't going to file for divorce as I just wanted him out and he is out, but i can see now that with someone like this it's an essential step to take- otherwise they never accept it's over?

sus14 · 05/03/2015 20:29

I don't think legal aid is for divorce, just things like non mols, and now it is means tested. Check with wa though.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 20:30

Rape in marriage was outlawed in 1991. It isn't "uncommon". You need to get friends that are not also in abusive relationships.

tipsytrifle · 05/03/2015 20:30

yes yes yes you can!!

OK what your friends are saying about the EA may be true of the past but EA has now been made a crime. Rape has been a crime for a long time. You are a victim of DV and rape.

Get legal aid. It is worth thousands that you don't have.

tipsytrifle · 05/03/2015 20:31

and yeah - what kind of raped friends do you have? So sad ...

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 20:32

Conflicting opinions on here about the legal aid. I'm even more confused now!

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/03/2015 20:32

It doesn't matter what the solicitor sees as big deal or not.
It's the judge and the law that matter. And sex without consent is rape. At least according to the current law.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2015 20:32

sorry, I meant it isn't "common"

it is a crime though

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 20:33

It may be common in your world, but it CERTAINLY isnt common in a healthy relationship. Thats why there are laws against it, to define it as a crime to all those men and women who thought it was the man's right.

tipsytrifle · 05/03/2015 20:34

though sus has a point ... please find out about it Toast

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 20:36

dont forget that now you are separated, and you will be claiming WTC and any others, that your income will be low. It wont be calculated on his wages

as for the rest this might help

Lweji · 05/03/2015 20:36

The part about being means tested is right. Legal aid is for if you can't afford it.

There is the question about financial abuse, though, which leaves many women without the means to cover legal costs.

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/overview
www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence
www.gov.uk/legal-aid/what-you-can-get

sus14 · 05/03/2015 20:36

I earn a pitiful salary but own a property, so I wasn't eligible for legal aid despite DV. The rules have changed. And guess who changed them- men.

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 20:36

proof can be from a health care professional, so a letter from the counsellor would suffice

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 20:38

I was told today the worst thing I can do right now is work more hours and start claiming benefits, it was all explained to me and it made sense. So I guess that's another reason to push for a divorce.

OP posts: