Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
IreneA78 · 05/03/2015 07:52

I not sure it is as simple as changing the locks or adding a bolt. he will force entry I think and argue it is his house and his alone .you need a preliminary solicitors appointment today

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 05/03/2015 07:59

Delurking - just wanted to wish you good luck for today toast.

AccordingtoSteve · 05/03/2015 08:00

All the best for today toast hope it goes well Flowers

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 08:08

Thank you for so much support. Slept appallingly last night, hopefully today will go well.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 05/03/2015 08:28

good luck with the solicitor today.
I would specifically ask about the touching, just to get it really clear in your mind.
you wouldnt accept it from a stranger, which is how you have to view him from now on, NOT as your husband. And even as your husband, he still would have had no right to touch you if you didnt want it. Its creepy.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2015 08:34

You are sounding stronger and stronger.
I know everyone is telling you to take control back, not engage etc...
And that is because so many have been there and done what you are doing and hindsight is wonderful thing.
These women have that hindsight so take everything you can from what they are saying.
You won't be standing up to him overnight but slow and steady wins the race.
Good luck with the solicitor.
Try to get appointment with CAB as well regarding what you are entitled to. They can be very helpful.

tipsytrifle · 05/03/2015 08:34

Thinking of you today Toast. Make lists if you need prompts?

chimchiminy makes an excellent point about talking with the DV team on 101. I think it might be a good thing to do. He raped you. I suspect plenty of coercion over the years too. All would be helpful by way of a "papertrail" in any /all legal process to get him away from you.

Momagain1 · 05/03/2015 09:55

Good luck to you today.

Goodbetterbest · 05/03/2015 10:01

Good luck Toast

mix56 · 05/03/2015 10:43

agree chimchim, I would advise calling WA, & the DV police number, for 2 very real reasons,
one, so the rape is ON RECORD, along with the sexual harassment & invasion of privacy, personally & in the house
& 2, when the divorce comes along she can state it, & it will be noted that she reported it, even in posterity, it shows you are not just telling stores & trying to gain points.
Also so that Toast, heres the truth from a professional, to reinforce the FACTS
& not just hear it from a bunch of random women on a forum

re house, they are married, she owns half the house, IT IS NOT "HIS" exclusively

Good luck with the solicitor

mix56 · 05/03/2015 10:44

"hears",

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 11:32

also you have proof of the rape - he admitted to it absolutely during the therapy session with the counsellor.

IreneA78 · 05/03/2015 13:21

I don't know about that NettleTea -patient confidentiality and all that!

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 13:23

Solicitor went well. Thank you for all your support.

The cynic in me now thinks this is why he is being so nice and begging to come back, because he's somehow found out exactly what he stands to lose.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/03/2015 13:33

Nurture your inner cynic, Toast! She has the right idea. Grin

Did you tell the solicitor everything about the abuse? Was it a male, did they sound knowledgeable about cases that involve abuse?

Irene - the OP brought it up at a joint therapy session when the H whinged about there being no/insufficient sex - so I don't think confidentiality will be an issue in this case.

FantasticButtocks · 05/03/2015 13:34

this is why he is being so nice and begging to come back, because he's somehow found out exactly what he stands to lose Yup. That will be it. And he is not actually being that nice. More self-pitying, I'd say. He couldn't care about you forgiving him. He just wants you to do what he wants.

BathtimeFunkster · 05/03/2015 13:35

Sounds like the cynic in you is worth heeding.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2015 13:42

Of course he has and of course that's why. You're not being cynical at all, you're understanding the truth. They are the ultimate in selfishness and all about having what they want. You've been a compliant wife who has made his life easy. As victims of abuse, we'll do anything and put up with everything to keep the peace and to keep their hands off of us. Deep down they know that their chances of finding another victim are not good. That most women won't put up with their shit. So they try to hold on to us for dear life, using every trick in the book to rope us back in. And that's also why they'll go from begging and tears to anger and threats in a hot minute once they realize we've truly slipped their grasp.

Just keep moving forward & away from his control. Close those boundaries, even bit by bit. Start to build your emotional fortress. You can do this.

tipsytrifle · 05/03/2015 13:46

So is the ball rolling now in legal terms? Or do you want to shop around a bit more, see what others say?

There is an almost sinister undertone to his "you don't have to forgive me" garbage. He's actually saying he doesn't care if you hate him, he wants to come home. He is either content to continue the marriage knowing he is loathed and detested, which is bizarre. Or he would put you out one way or another once he's back in.

Someone said earlier that he might force entry. That's a possibility. Please do whatever you can to prevent him getting in. Another good reason to talk with the police.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 13:51

I liked the solicitor but there's another one I want to see next week. I'm not sure this one had enough knowledge of this kind of thing but he understood my DHs type very well indeed and told me exactly how I need to play things at the moment. His advice was just to sit tight for a month or so and enable DH to get from sad to cross and then start the ball rolling being one step ahead.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 05/03/2015 14:13

chances if he gets cross he may be scary, giving you a chance to call the police, say you are frightened, and BINGO Non - mol order and all contact via a 3rd person....
Not that Im that devious, really, Wink

NettleTea · 05/03/2015 14:14

I think you need to start trying to say NO to him. At the moment you are falling over yourself to try to separate yet keep the peace. Which means he is taking the piss bigtime.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 14:15

Exactly. And tbh I can deal with cross a lot easier than sad. For now I think that's my best way of playing it. To act ultra reasonable and just let it play out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 05/03/2015 14:16

Yes I dont say no enough. I'm continually keeping my children and him and the whole bloody world happy. In my bid to be reasonable he's taking the p.

Although the upside of it is he won't expect me to be doing anything anout all of this.

OP posts:
Jux · 05/03/2015 14:28

Hmmmmm Hmm not sure about that. DH will go from sad to cross the instant he gets legal documents. Just sitting tight, waiting for him to do something? I'm not an expert in abuse or legalities, but it doesn't sound great to me.