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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

seen on boyfriends phone....gutted advice pls...

162 replies

wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 15:22

I went out for the day yesterday with my boyf and when he was trying to show me something on his phone he accidentally pulled down the top notification bar and on that screen were a few notifications from something called adultplay....he quickly shut it and then was all cuddly with me
anyway ive googled adultplay and its a dating website so ive been on and there is a profile I think is him as there's no photo but same name/age/town etc .....
I don't know what to do now....

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 02/03/2015 15:44

And he'll say he's deleted the fb things!

SpodoKomodo · 02/03/2015 15:46

These 'messages' whether they exist or not have NOTHING to do with the issue here.

The issue is that he's registered on a no strings attached site, he's denied it, has tried to distract you and now you're tying yourself up in ever more complicated knots trying to make sense of what's behind it all.

I know from bitter experience that once the initial shock and pain wears off, it's all to easy to rationalise things away, and just go back to the status quo, apart from the fact that there will always be a nagging doubt that disappears when things are rosy but rears its ugly head when (not if) he starts being dodgy again.

By allowing yourself be distracted by the FB thing which I can't pretend to understand at all you're prolonging the inevitable.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 02/03/2015 16:04

Some facts we seem to have established:

  1. Your 'D'P is signed up to a hookup site and trying to hide it from you/gaslight you about it
  1. Your 'D'P is trying to gaslight you about his 'crazy ex' having your info to deflect your attention away from number 1
  1. You're not allowed on Facebook (?!?! Why would you even tolerate a discussion on the matter - 'I want to be on Facebook, it is none of your business, you're deluded if you think it is, end of discussion')

OP, while it's entirely irrelevant to your situation, do you even actually know that the ex is 'crazy'? Even if she is, you do know that when you break up with him he'll be telling everyone that you, too, are crazy?

Don't give him the time of day, just dump him. 'I saw he was on a hookup site and he tried to hoodwink me into thinking he wasn't, thankfully I wasn't that dumb' is something you can tell to other people when they ask, and it'll stand up far better against his story if your entire conversation with him goes 'I know you're lying about the site, you're dumped, bye'. Don't get pulled into more hoodwinking and emotional discussions with him.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 02/03/2015 16:28

my heads so battered I can't even think straight just want to go home and cuddle my kids and ignore his calls/msgs

OP posts:
Flashingflozziw · 02/03/2015 18:18

wish I ve posted a similar post to yours on the dating thread, I think you already know what u need to do. Block his number and go no contact, you owe it to yourself. I ve been in tears most of the day but can't thank people on here enough for the support I ve received. Put yourself first.

Louboutin37 · 02/03/2015 19:09

Think of this in technical terms. If he has alerts coming up in his phone then he must have an app which is active on his phone and he's logged into it. There's no way you can switch phones and it all sits in the cloud and still have your phone invaded by apps that aren't installed on that device.

Alternatively, if alerts are coming through, the app is installed and logged in so you could click through from any alert and it will launch the app and show you everything. So he has got it, he is aware of it and he's logged into it.

He may well have deleted it in a panic now but there's no way it's there by accident

BitOutOfPractice · 02/03/2015 23:59

Op I hope you're ok.

I totally get this need to find proof. I tortured myself for MONTHS building up a case against my ex like a fucking forensic scientist! I desperately wanted him to admit the truth and I thought that if I presented him with a whole portfolio of proof, he would admit it all and release me from the total headfuck torture I was experiencing

I got that portfolio together and guess what! He STILL bloody denied it!

Then I had a moment of clarity. So what? None of that really matters. It was over anyway, whether he admitted it or not. Chances are I would never know the truth and certainly not from his mouth. So the proof and the excuses and the truth didn't make one iota of difference. It was over either way

So, forget proof. Forget confessions. They don't matter one jot. What matters is how you feel. And I bet I could sum up how you feel now: not the same about him.

So do yourself a favour and let all that shit slide and make your next move all about you and what's best for you long term. Good luck

As a post script, I know how hard it is. Walking away with no answers was perhaps the most difficult thing I ever did. But it turns out that it was one of the best things I ever did.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 03/03/2015 00:14

@bitoutofpractice....thank you for understanding :) ive been feeling like I need that proof to show him after months of being made to feel like I'm paranoid etc I can finally go see I'm not paranoid youre just a liar and I figured you out!
hes panicking tonight being nicer than ever loads of soppy msgs etc...just shows doesnt it he knows I'm onto him!
I did bring up the ex kinda stalking me thing and mentioned that maybe I should have it logged with the police "just incase" I only said this to gauge his reaction to that idea and try n see if he was lying...he seemed really blase about it like I don't think you need to go that far shes all talk etc...I think hes confident in the knowledge I believe him and wouldn't....but I dont I dont think! ( re ex txting him not dating site crap )

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2015 00:28

Just stop answering his texts and calls. Give yourself some space to collect your thoughts without him trying to muddle you with the ex/FB shit.

Really you know what you have to do. Gather your strength and do it. You won't regret it in the long run

Original poster
wishididntcare · 03/03/2015 00:37

I have been ignoring him all day hence y hes panicking and being over nice! ive said that I need some head space as hes boggled it recently and ill talk to him soon....let him stew on that for a bit I guess x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/03/2015 05:55

Sounds like you're just enjoying the drama and game playing.

Wouldn't it have been better to just walk away rather than spending months of feeling paranoid and being cheated on?

43percentburnt · 03/03/2015 06:54

Have you met his ex? I'm just wondering if he told you she is crazy. That's a red flag in itself.

Him having issues with you on facebook is a red flag.

His nasty misogynistic comments about the friend who doesn't respect herself is a red flag.

The adult work pop up is a red flag.

His strange text about his ex, your best mate and some pics is a red flag.

He's not looking like a good un.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2015 07:27

Vivacia the op is under no obligation to immediately do our bidding. Even if it were that easy. In these situations the moment will come when it comes which I suspect, with the op, will be soon

Op re-read this whole thread today. It will give you strength. Ignore the while FB/ex bollocks curveball he's tried to throw you. It's a red herring. Concentrate on the way this man has behaved and made you feel

BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2015 07:49

Sorry about my horrible bollocks / curve ball/ red herring mixed metaphor by the way!

Vivacia · 03/03/2015 08:57

I'm not suggesting she do our bidding. I'm pointing out the time and energy and the emotion she's wasted on game-playing (and game-playing with some relish).

BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2015 09:47

I don't think she is at all. She's ignoring him and trying to get her head round it all.

plainjanine · 03/03/2015 11:24

I wonder if he doesn't like you being on facebook in case you find out:

  • that he's been shagging his ex?
  • that he's got a history of calling ex partners he's cheated on crazy?
  • that he's got history for using dating sites while in a relationship?

Any or all of these could fit his behaviour. Dump him and be done with it, is my advice. Whatever you accuse him of, he'll minimise it, gaslight you and turn it back on you. And he'll do this faster than you can come up with arguments that disprove it, because he's good at it. I doubt this is his first time.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 03/03/2015 11:34

@bitoutofpractice....thank you for sticking up for me I have no intentions of game playing I'm just trying to get my head together

OP posts:
Original poster
wishididntcare · 03/03/2015 11:37

@vivacia....bit of a nasty comment really! that drama you are on about is my life! and I'm just trying to get on with it looking after my children without being too hurt that the man I love isnt who I thought he was...

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2015 15:05

No problem. How are you doing today?

Vivacia · 03/03/2015 15:58

You can dislike the tone of how I said it, but what do you think about the sentiment? That hunting for evidence and proving to him that he's been lying to you is a complete waste of time?

BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2015 17:59

Vivacia that is not what you said at all. You said that the op was enjoying the drama. Which IMO is patently not true

I think we have all said that getting more proof is a mug's game. But we have all said it in a rather less nasty way than you did.

When something like this happens it is an entirely human reaction to look for answers and explanations to make sense of it all. Even if that is futile it is entirely understandable. So show a little compassion eh?

Original poster
wishididntcare · 03/03/2015 18:22

@bitoutofpractice....again thank you :) appreciated!
I'm trying to ignore it all ( including him ) until my head feels strong enough to deal with it proof or no proof

OP posts:
Vivacia · 03/03/2015 18:26

Point taken. I do feel that OP is revelling in the drama. However, I have acknowledged that finding proof is a tempting distraction and have implored her not to waste time and energy on this.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/03/2015 18:35

That's a good strategy op. Give yourself some space and time to process what's happened and adjust to the new reality. It's a lot to process that the man you loved turns out to be an arse. When you're ready, get it sorted.

Be kind to yourself