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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

seen on boyfriends phone....gutted advice pls...

162 replies

wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 15:22

I went out for the day yesterday with my boyf and when he was trying to show me something on his phone he accidentally pulled down the top notification bar and on that screen were a few notifications from something called adultplay....he quickly shut it and then was all cuddly with me
anyway ive googled adultplay and its a dating website so ive been on and there is a profile I think is him as there's no photo but same name/age/town etc .....
I don't know what to do now....

OP posts:
becoolandcalm · 01/03/2015 21:14

May I chip in, it could be that this is one of the sites free to join but then after that males have to pay the site to communicate with females so he may just have been tempted to have a look and hasn't gone any further. Sometimes with these sites its all free for women but not for the men.
Sorry, it must be a worry....been there and understand.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/03/2015 21:19

So it's ok to be tempted to have a look whilst being in an exclusice relationship?

becoolandcalm · 01/03/2015 21:27

It isn't ok, no, it's a darn shame and potential for heartache.

handfulofcottonbuds · 01/03/2015 21:39

OP - I can only talk from my own experience.

I was with my STBXH for over 10 years.

I found questionable sites on the pc. He said they were pop ups from work he was doing around his field of work - I believed him

I found pop ups from hook up sites. He said they were getting through again because our firewall needed updating - I believed him

He always felt very strongly about adultery, said the thought of it made him feel sick and he couldn't understand why people did it. I felt safe with him - because I believed him.

I am now divorcing him as he had an affair, is living with OW and I will never now the true extent of his porn/hook up site deceit.

It doesn't matter now - but - you shouldn't listen to his lies. You have concerns, believe those inner thoughts and not what he tells you to minimise the situation.

loveyoutothemoon · 01/03/2015 21:40

wishididntcare you must be feeling like shit. Have you told anyone in real life? x

Redglitter · 01/03/2015 22:04

You need to find out exactly what the hell he's up to. I discovered my ex was on several of these sites. at one point he had 10 - yes you read that right - people on the go. He accidentally left his Hotmail account logged on one day and to my horror discovered not only that but he was having unprotected sex with at least several of them.

handfulofcottonbuds · 01/03/2015 22:20

I don't want to make you feel any worse but I am not very knowledgeable about technology but I have never had any questionable pop ups on my computer or phone. I've been on dating sites and I still don't get weird pop ups.

I think you know what the answer is and I am sorry you are going through this.

Treesandbees · 01/03/2015 22:38

I can only give you my experience but this would ring major alarm bells in my mind! I was living with ex boyf of 4 years when I found a hotmail account logged in on our home pc. It's was logged into an email address I had never seen before which he was using for dating sites. Turned out he was exchanging explicit messages with other women and menShock! There were suggestions of meet ups but I never knew if that happened. Anyhow I was young and stupid so
I accepted the bullshit excuses he gave for all the messages and stayed with him for a few more years. Turned out he was sleeping behind my back for years and making me feel worthless at the same time. If I could go back to my younger self I would get be myself a slap and tell myself to be strong and leave!

Original poster
wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 22:38

hi no I havent told anyone...ive just spoken to him and something really weird happened....he HATES facebook as he says hes a very private person so hes not on it...which I know to be true
he says the mum of his child...who hates me coz I'm with him has just sent him a msg with my photo on and also my best mates photo?!?! basically that shes tracked me down on fb not sure how as she only knows my 1st name and we live in different towns none of the same friends etc and shes now threatening to cause trouble with it
strange thing is that isnt my profile pic....I changed it about 2 wks ago and the one of my mate has never been her profile pic on fb its her whatssap pic.... does this all sound a bit weird to anyone else???
sorry to go off topic slightly but it may be related as in hes gonna try n blame me for this probably!

OP posts:
Timmytime2025 · 01/03/2015 22:42

He could have easily given her your name? Is your friends phone number on fb? Easy to get the whatsapp pic that way? Do you know this is fact or is he saying this to try and get attention away from himself? Maybe she doesn't hate you and all this is through him?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 01/03/2015 22:47

I'm confused, sorry OP - how would the mother of his child 'cause trouble' with your profile pic? Confused

Branleuse · 01/03/2015 22:48

hes tryimg to deflect attention onto you, which is a bit cliché and tiresome of him

handfulofcottonbuds · 01/03/2015 22:51

I have no idea what your last post is about but it is very easy to track someone down on FB with a first name and a location

Original poster
wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 23:08

no ive checked her profile and she has no numbee listed....I on the other hand do ( which I didnt know till I checked ) but its a REALLY old mob no from when I set up fb yrs ago....he has my mates number as I rang him off it when my phone died so that pic will appear on his whatssap if hes stored her number in his phone but its not n never has been on fb...also how has she got my number as its not on there!!

OP posts:
Timmytime2025 · 01/03/2015 23:12

He's given her it? Or it's not true?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 01/03/2015 23:13

branleuse nailed it.

Classic sign - what a wanker. Don't fall for it op.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 23:29

he wouldn't give it to her as he would worry she would try n cause trouble I don't think she has it or sent him that photo at all I think hes done a screenshot off whatssap as he has my mates no! but question is why lie about all this....its so weird I feel like I start wondering whether I'm the crazy one?? sorry for ranting its just weirded me out a bit n cant sleep....

OP posts:
Original poster
wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 23:34

@smilla...she wouldnt cause trouble with the pic as such but she sent him my number too ( apparently ) and my mates....he is worried she will start texting me and being abusive but I honestly dont think she has it....I asked him to send me the msg she sent and all hes sent is the photo ( which he would have anyway ) its like mibd games isnt it ... very strange behaviour :(

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 01/03/2015 23:36

He is trying to divert you away from what you seen. Don't be surprised if he ends it either.

I found out my ex was cheating and he dumped ME While I was asking him about it and called ME a stalker.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 23:39

yeah he tried that one earlier the poor me u have no trust in me crap I just said I've accused you of nothing only asked you why adultfun was on ur notifications.....hes just been on the phone again this time all nice n love u loads etc...an hr ago he was mad at me for being on fb! I cant keep up.....

OP posts:
Timmytime2025 · 01/03/2015 23:51

I was involved in a very similar situation but when it was me I couldn't see it. Turned out the ex wasn't crazy, he was a serial online flirt and very emotionally abusive you won't figure him out he's trying to confuse you on purpose. Dump him. Wish I had. What advice would you give a friend who told you all of this?

Eekaman · 01/03/2015 23:54

I don't know what he is or isn't up to but re the phone alerts...

Both Android and iOS phones are perfectly able to 'sync' accounts when you upgrade to a new phone, so all your apps, contacts, log in details etc will be carried across from the old phone to the new phone. This could be how his new phone still has his (allegedly) old adultplay details.

Good luck op.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 23:57

@timmytime....I think you're right its just total deflection from the real issue of the day which was for him to explain now I find myself arguing that his story about his ex n my fb doesn't stack up!

OP posts:
Original poster
wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 23:59

@eekaman Thank you problem is he didnt say when I asked him to explain that its an old profile...which I hoped and expected would be his excuse he says its from a pop up....The man is obv not very good at thinking on his feet when questioned!

OP posts:
JegErEnStorNerd · 02/03/2015 00:03

blimey, it's hardly your fault if his x saves pictures of you from social media. If he "accuses" you of having a photo of yourself on your profile picture - just stare back at him with an 'and.......' expression. Don't defend that.

The deflection is manipulative.