Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

seen on boyfriends phone....gutted advice pls...

162 replies

wishididntcare · 01/03/2015 15:22

I went out for the day yesterday with my boyf and when he was trying to show me something on his phone he accidentally pulled down the top notification bar and on that screen were a few notifications from something called adultplay....he quickly shut it and then was all cuddly with me
anyway ive googled adultplay and its a dating website so ive been on and there is a profile I think is him as there's no photo but same name/age/town etc .....
I don't know what to do now....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 10:56

Then step away from the crazy

Sickoffrozen · 02/03/2015 11:01

Exactly AF.

I am assuming you have no children together so really, you can walk away. A month of pain is better than a lifetime of misery.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 02/03/2015 11:08

It's not just as easy as u have no together so easy to walk away its still hard

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 11:42

Of course it is hard. But is this the way you want to live ?

Unexpected · 02/03/2015 11:46

"It's not just as easy as u have no together so easy to walk away its still hard" - but surely still easier than staying together and putting up with this mind-fuckery and game-playing, always being suspicious, wondering if he's telling you the truth or what shitty deflection tactic he is going to try if you have suspicions again in the future?

Original poster
wishididntcare · 02/03/2015 12:11

I want to suss out properly with evidence what hes up to so I can tell him once and for all what a liar he is...I'm not sure how tho??
funny how he asked me not to tell my mate his ex has her photo and numbet apparently!

OP posts:
NaiceNickname · 02/03/2015 12:16

You don't need evidence to tell him what a liar be is, he already knows. Evidence or no evidence, you won't fully trust him again after this. You'll always have a niggling doubt in your mind that'll pop up whenever he's on his phone, whenever he goes out alone etc.

Honestly, walk away. Life truly is too short to be accepting of shit like this.

Ilikemashpotatoe · 02/03/2015 12:21

I don't get it, why does it matter if his ex has your photos and numbers? Why does that give him a reason to be annoyed with you?
I was going to say maybe you could get a friend to message his adult play account while you're with him so he can't say that it was you as he would receive the message while you're actually with him?
Although I wouldn't waste my time, he sounds like a pathetic liar who's been caught out and panicking so making up bullshit stories. Hmm

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 12:25

Wanting answers will keep you with this prick for longer than you should be

You won't get them. Do you think a man like this will hold his hands up and admit to anything ?

All you need to ask yourself is "does he make me feel safe, does he make me feel secure"

if he doesn't, that is the sum total of what you need to know

Original poster
wishididntcare · 02/03/2015 13:02

Just coz when I end it I dont want him to be able to make up any excuses or call me paranoid I want to say no I'm not ur lying and here's the evidence ....
The fb thing is just an excuse to turn it all round on me n get me to shut up about what I found.. There is no possible way his ex could have the info he says she has I just want to prove it
I'm slightly creeped out at the fact he has obv stored my mates number so he can find her on whatssap then screenshot her photo and sent it to me pretending his ex sent it!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 13:03

You are not listening are you?

Oh well. You win some, you lose some....

Good luck Thanks

Original poster
wishididntcare · 02/03/2015 13:09

I was just talking I thought that was ok? just sounding off ideas/thinking aloud etc....
AF I'm sorry I seem to annoy u by not doing what you say straight away...maybe u could leave the thread if me "not listening" annoys u!
thank you all for your advice...

OP posts:
Galvanized · 02/03/2015 13:13

You don't get it op, you don't need evidence or a reason to leave him. You don't have to justify it to him or anyone. Leave him, you can't have a future now. Leave now and you'll move on sooner.

itsanewyear · 02/03/2015 13:16

You don't need him to agree or approve splitting up with him.

Nor to you need him to accept he's in the wrong - if you wait till he accepts he's in the wrong you could be with him forever!

This is your life. And you will be wasting it the longer you hang around. This guy is no good. Get rid.

If he thinks you're paranoid, or makes up excuses so what? That's his problem, not yours.

Or what? You decide to stay with a guy who treats you like dirt because you want to be able to win at his pathetic game? What a waste of your life! Just walk away, head held high. As long as you're true to yourself, that's what matters.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2015 13:20

I am not annoyed. Just aware you are not willing to operate on any level apart from his. Good luck with that and I do genuinely hope you will be ok, although I highly doubt it if you stay with this prick.

I don't expect you to do anything on my say-so though. One has to hope you have the ability to come to that conclusion yourself.

Unexpected · 02/03/2015 13:22

"Just coz when I end it I dont want him to be able to make up any excuses or call me paranoid" - when you end it he is going to be your EX, what do you care if he is making up excuses or calling you paranoid - unless you live next door to each other or work together or something, you will not have any future contact with him.

I think AF and others are frustrated with you because you have outlined unacceptable and suspicious behaviour, people have advised that on the basis of what you say the relationship is at an end, but you seem to be procrastinating - not because of any good reason such as having entwined finances or children together - but because you feel you need "proof" in order to finish with him. What it appears you are actually trying to do is delay until someone comes along and either gives you an explanation for his behaviour or tells you how to get "proof" of his bad behaviour. You are asking to prove the almost unprovable rather than cutting your losses and moving on.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 02/03/2015 13:32

ok thanks...tbh I was just thinking out loud .... its alot easier to say cut your losses than to actually do it

OP posts:
pleasingshape · 02/03/2015 13:42

OP - it sounds like this desire for 'proof' is just masking a desire to hope against hope that somehow it is all a big mistake and you are indeed paranoid. Of course, he will be more than happy to help this fantasy (for that's what it is) along and you will continue on in this miserable game for months, years or however long until what? You catch him in bed with someone else? You catch an std? You become clinically depressed from all the suspicion, lies and gaslighting?

I may be just an old harridan (and I am ;) but I have read enough here to know the script. Get rid of him. Today. You don't need an excuse, you don't need a reason,mand you don't have to answer to anyone.

Watchmestumble · 02/03/2015 13:46

You don't need proof of anything. He will deny it and try to wheedle his way out of it whatever you say. You just can't trust him any more.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 02/03/2015 13:59

That's why I wanted proof so he cant wheedle his way out of it

OP posts:
Unexpected · 02/03/2015 14:05

We're all just repeating ourselves now but who cares if he tries to wheedle his way out of it? Seriously? You are either happy to continue this relationship or not - proof doesn't come into it.

pilates · 02/03/2015 14:07

"That's why I wanted proof so he cant wheedle his way out of it"

So get your bestfriend to message the website concerned?

loveyoutothemoon · 02/03/2015 14:53

I think because he's not said "it's from before I met you" and they are notifications, you should be taking it as your proof, like all the others have said you may not get proof.

Original poster
wishididntcare · 02/03/2015 15:09

Youre right ... I would have thought it was kind of believable if he had said that he's obv not that smart as could have used that as an excuse....
I have decided to say re the fb thing could he forward me the msgs as I am planning to log it with the police as she has threatened to cause trouble....that will throw him as I'm sure the msgs don't exist

OP posts:
TheJiminyConjecture · 02/03/2015 15:25

Ignoring the whole ex gf drama bollocks (and you know that it's bollocks) what you have are these basic facts:

  1. Your boyfriend is getting notifications from a hook up site. Not a dating site but a website that allows people to meet for no strings attached sex.

  2. This is not acceptable for you in your relationship.

  3. He knows this but has made no effort to reassure you that there is a simple explanation (because there isn't one)

  4. You know he will try to wheedle out of any kind of situation where he has to tell you the truth. Therefore you know he lies and you can not trust him.

Four simple facts. You can ignore the fb profile shit and base your decision on those facts. Do you want to be in a relationship where the above points are true?

Swipe left for the next trending thread