Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

[DarwinianLoser]

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

You have to remember not to assume that he is the same as your husband.

What do you mean? He's nothing like my husband. I'm confused.

John I think the answer is much deeper than FBs.

Why are you so annoyed about him?

I have interpreted his 'naice' actions as leading me on emotionally. This was my interpretation. Whether it was his intention...who knows.

I mean that maybe FB man wants intimacy on a deeper level. He may be the one getting hurt here. It might be kinder to let him go?

Your husband is not interested in that, I understand completely how you feel. I am on your side. I just think that your FB might be vulnerable.

Will I enjoy the sex if I don't respect the individual? If I don't care for them?

Honestly, I kinda doubt it. Which was my point about your personality. And it's a good thing about you. It says that you are loving, kind, affectionate and giving. That sex is something to be shared with someone who is more than a masturbatory tool. Those are all good qualities and not to be changed. Struggling to do that is likely to damage you.

TLDR of this thread is: For me, in my heart, sex and emotional intimacy go hand in hand; in my head, I want to have emotional-free sex. How can I do this? Answer: You can't. Next question.

I just think that your FB might be vulnerable

What makes you suspect that? He has shown zero signs of vulnerability.

And it's a good thing about you.

It feels like a pathetic, weak and needy thing about me :( I don't want to be this way.

Answer: You can't.

Cognitive restructuring? Maybe through a lot of research and programming? I can re-wire my thought patterns surely? I genuinely want to.

I have interpreted his 'naice' actions as leading me on emotionally. This was my interpretation. Whether it was his intention...who knows

I don't think actually that's a fair analysis.

I think you have become emotionally involved because you like him and were having sex with him AND AS A CONSEQUENCE have started to analyse his actions for indications he was leading you on emotionally.

To put it another way, in the brainless-meathead-on-the-dole situation (ie. whoever is the "I'd never go there" person for you), if said Mr Meathead had been behaving in exactly the same way as Mr FB, £100 says you wouldn't be saying "but heeeee was leading me on emotionalllleeeeee".

Cognitive restructuring? Maybe through a lot of research and programming? I can re-wire my thought patterns surely?

Crap. Sorry. Not going to happen.
The best you'll manage is a dull sense of toleration. It's like trying to learn to like Marmite if you hate it and only ever eating marmite for the rest of your life.

It will never make your heart sing.

What makes me suspect that is what I have read from you about the cuddling and wanting to pay for dinner etc, along with the days of no contact where he might be trying to pull away. Obviously, I have no idea, I am only going by what I am reading.

You are vulnerable too, but I think you seem like you know what you want? Could be wrong about that too obv.

you wouldn't be saying "but heeeee was leading me on emotionalllleeeeee".

Without hesitation I'd tell him to stop because it was making me uncomfortable.

Crap. Sorry. Not going to happen.

So CBT and neurolinguistic programming therapies are useless? They are based on the same premise as what I'm suggesting. I just want to approach sex from a different light. How can that be impossible to achieve?

Untouchable according to the majority here, his behaviour is perfectly normal detached FB behaviour. tbh I think I'm the only vulnerable, hurting sod in this whole scenario. I need to grow a pair. I need to toughen the fuck up. I hate being this way.

Do you think it is your only option Darwin?

Do I think changing is my only option? Well, no, I could leave DH and become a weekend parent or I could become celibate. I think changing my cognitions is the best option.

You want to reprogramme your brain so that you don't fall in love with the people you shag?

Um. There must be an easier way.

Don't recommend the celibacy route. Soul destroying doesn't start to describe it. Wouldn't want to be the weekend parent either.

There must be an easier way.

Maybe there is but I'm willing to put the work in for this way. I think I will feel stronger as a person and as a woman when I achieve it.

I don't want to be vulnerable to men due to my sexuality. Fuck that.

Good for you, I respect that.

Nobody is going to give you advice on how to become a cold hearted bitch who can cheat on her husband without feeling emotional consequences. Obviously.
The best advice anyone can give you would be to reduce your working hours, get legal advice and
Separate from your husband in an open and honest way, leaving you free in future to have the genuine, sexual and emotional relationship you crave.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

Darwinian i can pm you my former username if you like I did try that earlier this evening to prove i wasnt a bigot (expecting the same courteous behaviour and respect from someone regardless of their sexual orientation or whatever difficulties they may be having seems the opposite of bigotry to me but hey ho)

Darwinian i did send you a pm yesterday or the day before Should be in your inbox.

I have no idea why you think that deceipt of any kind is the way forward. It already seems to have had a bearing on you for the worst.

the genuine, sexual and emotional relationship you crave.

I might crave that at the moment, but in my opinion (and experience) that makes me weak. Craving anything makes a person vulnerable. It's not a good thing and I want to eradicate it.