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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

359 replies

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:19

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

OP posts:
alphabook · 01/03/2015 18:48

Have you actually been to a solicitor for a consultation to discuss your options if you were to seperate? I'm not sure why you're so adamant that you would have to leave the family home and your children. Plus I can imagine you have much more chance of an amicable split now than if DH found out you'd been cheating on him.

CheersMedea · 01/03/2015 18:49

Not necessarily Darwinian. I think you are feeling guilty and that's why you think that.

You may be right but you may not be. If children have two good parents, then all things being equal there is a general tendency to think they are better off with their mother - at least that's the perception.

And what makes you think that your husband wouldn't agree to them living with you?

What sex are your children?

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 18:49

I am not bigoted Cheers Not at all I posted upthread about how sexual repression of ones true sexuality can lead to the person emotionally abusing their partner (not necessarily the OPs case) Im a little confused. I often see on this board ppl saying there is no excuse for abuse emotional or otherwise. Ive said it many times myself.
The difference is im willing to stand by that statement. We live in a country that can be quite sexually repressive and it can lead to emotional abuse and sometimes even violence.
It is NOT bigoted to expect ppl to be responsible for their own actions.

After all we dont seem to have this problem when it comes to women do we? Women are expected to be responsible for mens behaviour as well as their own!

CheersMedea · 01/03/2015 18:52

I posted upthread about how sexual repression of ones true sexuality can lead to the person emotionally abusing their partner

Yes I read that but so what?

It won't be in every case there is such abuse. Here OP has not mentioned anything like that. She says he's a good father/person. And even if there is such abuse it doesn't mean that the person acting out like that is doing so consciously and knowingly deceitfully which is what you are saying.

The two things are totally different.

Your approach is "he's was a knowing liar from the outset". My approach is "that's very doubtful and stop being so judgmental about something you obviously don't know anything about".

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 18:53

Oh but i do Cheers Im going to PM you.

CheersMedea · 01/03/2015 18:54

Please don't.

CheersMedea · 01/03/2015 18:57

I fundamentally disagree with what you have said. Knowing deceit cannot be assumed here or generally in issues of repressed sexual orientation.

I do not wish to be privy to some private personal experiences of yours that you are probably going to send me to justify your views. I don't want to know your private information because I disagree with your premise.

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 19:00

OK i dont know that deceit has been used in this case. I sent you my old username because i have some experience of this ....but fuck it I dont have to prove myself to anyone.

CheersMedea · 01/03/2015 19:01

OK i dont know that deceit has been used in this case.

Shock
HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 19:04

WTF is with the shock face. I dont I posted that in SOME cases it can lead to emotional abuse and violence.

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 19:09

SOME cases not all.

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 19:13

I never said in every case I said CAN LEAD.

CheersMedea · 01/03/2015 19:14

Are you being very obtuse? The issue I was discussing was deceit (and intentional deceit) not abuse/violence. You were persisting in saying OP's husband must have been deceitful:

The OPs DH tried to be sexual with her at the start so he was pretending to be something he wasnt. Why does he get a get out clause when it comes to honesty.....oh wait of course he does....he has a penis!

I was saying you don't know that. And now after banging on about it and apparently disagreeing with me on the deceit/liar issue, you then post "oh well ok maybe I don't know if in this case their was deceit".

Some what of a marked about face. Hence the shock emoticon.

We need to stop derailing OP's thread though.

OP - don't assume your children aren't better off with you.

CheersMedea · 01/03/2015 19:16

*there was deceit. Typo

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 19:19

Im simply fed up of women being made responsible for mens behaviour. He IS being controlling now and that cannot be denied.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 19:24

HelenaDove I would like to read about your experience.

btw please folks, can we focus on the issue at hand: what qualities do I need to develop to enable a satisfying FB experience? What skills wuld be beneficial for me to learn? What cognitive restructuring?

OP posts:
untouchable · 01/03/2015 20:03

Helena knows what she is talking about and I believe Darwin would find it very helpful to know the story.

I applaud you Darwin for not putting up with a lonely, soul destroying life of celibacy.

I think that you are doing the right thing by not attaching yourself to one if you feel it will mess with your head re emotions etc.

Your DH had the chance to have a fulfilling life with you and he chose to cut you off. I cannot judge you for that.

In regards to your question, you have to not let them treat it like a relationship by paying for dinner and cuddling etc. Lay down your rules and adhere to them.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 20:09

Thank you untouchable. You've given me some things to think about. I will carry on with my 1 week break from FB1, and insist no handholding et al in future with all FBs. Do you think this will make a significant difference to my coping? I think it may assist the compartmentalization process. Any other tips for that goal?

OP posts:
Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 20:13

I've just done something immature...

Rather than leave FB hanging which may be construed as rude and nasty, I sent him an email. The subject title was "To you" and inside was simply this link:

Hopefully that'll get the message across (i.e. I interpret his behaviour as mindfucking as it needs to be adjusted if we are to continue).

I know, I know, highly immature but it felt good.

OP posts:
namechange2468 · 01/03/2015 20:22

Leaving sex to one side, do you and your husband go out together, throw your heads back laughing and just generally love each other's company?

CheersMedea · 01/03/2015 20:25

I don't think that was a helpful thing to do Darwinian - sending that link - because it suggests emotional involvement on your part. It's not that it's immature; it's just that it is a bit of an emotional reaction to something that he thinks was just about sex for you.

I would fully expect the FB to be Confused.

If you were concerned about leaving him hanging, you should have called him and been utterly straight and told him directly what you said here. For gods sake if you can manage to get naked with him, you should be able to have a frank conversation.

what qualities do I need to develop to enable a satisfying FB experience? What skills wuld be beneficial for me to learn? What cognitive restructuring?

It is not about "qualities"; it sounds like you need a personality change! And you can't change your personality.

I think the only advice is the one someone said above which is - you should only have sex with men that you feel nothing for and have no interest in a relationship with. Who these men are would depend on you and your attraction/relationship triggers. for someone very clever, it could be a brainless meat head. for someone avaricious, it could be a man on benefits. It just depends.

I still think you are better off trying to reach a separation arrangement that means you can have a fulfilling life with love and sexual affection that is reciprocated.

Untouchable · 01/03/2015 20:28

Yes, Darwin if it were me, it would help me to compartmentalize the situation. If you are clear that you don't want more then you need to keep it cold and functional. I wish I could do the same, but I can't. I love to love.

He may not be experienced in this perhaps and it is his head that is getting fucked. The distance/no contact is him trying to get himself together? You have to remember not to assume that he is the same as your husband.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 20:31

Cheers you're right, I should have done the mature thing and phoned him. But wouldn't that be awkward for both of us? Maybe just show him this thread? If it freaks him out, well, fuck him. What do you think?

you should only have sex with men that you feel nothing for and have no interest in a relationship with

That pretty much sums up the one I have lined up for this week. I nervous about how it will pan out. Will I enjoy the sex if I don't respect the individual? If I don't care for them?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/03/2015 20:31

*"He does nice things to make himself feel better about the situation"

or a case of:

"He does nice things because he thinks I wouldn't fuck him otherwise"?*

You seem to think FBs motives are nasty, he is mind fucking you, or something. I'm not getting that from what you've written so far. Why are you so annoyed about him? I don't get it.

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