Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

[DarwinianLoser]

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

TBH, Darwinian, I don't know. I think romantic love counts as a loss of compartmentalization, so I guess it must happen to quite a lot of people at least sometimes. I also think that many people lose the ability when under emotional duress, otherwise MN would be a much quieter place! However, judging from some of the posts here and the popularity of services like Tinder, lots of people do find it easy a lot of the time.

Like many emotional problems, some people suffer them because they're in a crappy situation, while others just have that type of personality. Is this sort of thing new to you? Or do you commonly find you obsess over the way other people feel? And are prone to infatuations? One thing I'm starting to think is that people who lack compartmentalization abilities are often attracted to those who are very good at it, precisely because they are hard to understand and predict (from the perspective of the uncompartmentalized). Also, their apparent unavailability (again, from the perspective of the uncompartmentalized) makes them a puzzle that has to be solved. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and I apologize in advance - do you think it's possible that the reason you fell for your DH is related to how you have been feeling about your FB? Your DH must always have come across as having a confounding degree of intimate unavailability and so, it seems, does you FB.

"I find it really strange that so many posters are saying things like" hand holding and cuddling are no indication of deeper feelings for you".
I would, and have in the past, assumed that if a man is attentive to my needs, affectionate in a romantic sense (eg I don't hold hands with my female friends) then he has some kind of feelings for me!"

But you don't have sex with your female friends either! Someone can care for you and enjoy being intimate with you without having intense feelings. Feelings aren't all or nothing.

If you want a relationship, then look for a relationship. If you want sex/companionship/intimacy but don't want a full on relationship with all the compromise/sacrifice/worrying about someone else that can involve, then FWB is great. I can't see what's confusing about that.

The problem arises when people "settle" for FWB when really they want a relationship.

It sounds like you don't want a relationship with this man, but FWB isn't really what you want either. It sounds like the casual nature of it doesn't sit right with you, and that's not surprising really. You don't want a casual relationship, what you want is a healthy sex life with your husband.

Kaneda you may be onto something.

And are prone to infatuations?

Yes. Yes, I am. Addicted to limerence. I fucking hate it. I wish I could be a cold, compartmentalizing fuck. I want to be one so badly. Is there a way to learn? To train your mind? I think I'd be so much happier if I was emotionally colder. I'm going to do some research on compartmentalization. Do you know any good reads? (You seem to know your stuff!) Any help/pointing me in the right direction would be much appreciated.

You don't want a casual relationship, what you want is a healthy sex life with your husband.

tbh I really don't think I fancy my husband anymore. We've got some sex therapy coming up so who knows, things may change, but at the moment I just don't want to have sex with him anymore. That ship, it seems, sailed along with the years of rejection.

I do think the first priority should be to sort things out with your H. At the moment it sounds like your marriage is meeting all his needs and few of yours. Living long-term with someone who is aware that you are unhappy but either can't be bothered to change things, or who thinks that you are wrong for being unhappy and should just suck it up, is very bad for you. If the therapy you have makes your H see that he has to make either an effort or a compromise (eg, explores whether his asexuality is due to health/medication/unresolved issues or agrees that it's fine for you to have other partners) then things will improve. If he is determined to enforce celibacy on you then he needs to realise that you have every right to end the marriage because you are unhappy.

I don't necessarily mean your husband as a person, more that you sound like the kind of person who just wants to be having sex with their long term partner, rather than having casual sex.

You're in this FWB relationship because you feel it's your only way to have some kind of sex life, not because you really want to be. That's why it's not really working for you. If you're not the kind of person who can have sex without romantic attachment then your brain is probably developing feelings for someone you wouldn't necessarily ordinarily have feelings for as a way of trying to make sense of a situation that doesn't come naturally to you.

You said he's quite boring - is he someone you would have been interested in if you were single?

Isn't the term casual sex sort of unappealing? It makes me think of 2 people grinding genitals while chewing gum and flicking thru magazines.
Anyhoo.
Alphabook, you are probably right in what you say re casual affection from a FwB, I just kind of am all or nothing, and would rather a no-name up against the wall knee trembler with a non- English speaking fitty in a pub toilet, than the kind of pleasant but disinterested affection of a man who is just seeing me until someone he deems worth being with properly comes along.
bitter, moi?!
OP, don't underestimate the effect years of sexual rejection has on your self esteem. It's brutal.

Update: I've set up another FB for next week. He's been willing for a while but I've always bottled it because I found his level of experience intimidating, but I feel nothing for him romantically, so we'll see how that goes. Don't they say you should always have at least 2 on the go to prevent attachment?

Still haven't had contact with FB1. He hasn't texted since I ignored his attempt yesterday. I miss him like hell. My eyes welled up a few times today thinking about how shitty this has turned out.

At the moment it sounds like your marriage is meeting all his needs and few of yours

It's probably only meeting the kids' needs tbh. See below.

either can't be bothered to change things, or who thinks that you are wrong for being unhappy and should just suck it up

We can't "sort it out". We have miss-matched sexualities, BUT we have a family to care for, and as a family unit, we work well. As co-parents, we are fantastic.

I just kind of am all or nothing, and would rather a no-name up against the wall knee trembler with a non- English speaking fitty in a pub toilet, than the kind of pleasant but disinterested affection of a man who is just seeing me until someone he deems worth being with properly comes along.

That's how I feel. It wouldn't be so bad if my FB didn't do all the boyfriendy shit. I actually resent him for it.

Blimey! just blimey OP.

Be HONEST with your husband for christ sake!

Am I allowed to say I don't like you?

Well Ive said it now.

Ewwwww true colours showing.

It doesn't sound like finding another random sex partner is the solution here OP.

You'll probably be back here in another month or so wailing about the fact that the new one doesn't want to cuddle or hold your hand and "how do you think he feels about me".

In the long run this is a massive massive car crash waiting to happen. STDs; stalkers; emotional trauma; public humiliation; school gate gossip; kids finding out; husband just walking out; feeling sexually rejected etc etc etc. Which ever way you cut it, whichever way you look this is not going to turn out well and everyone can see it coming a mile off.

It doesn't matter what the circumstances are what you are doing is wrong and by telling me to fuck off you know it too.

Ok, will re-phrase as I don't actually know you. I don't like what you are doing. My advice would be to stop going from one to the next and deal with your situation at home.

How would you guys deal with an asexual husband, apart from:

1. leave and become a weekend parent. or
2. stay and become celibate for life.

Those are my choices if I do not pursue the FB route.

A more nuanced custody arrangement might give you more than weekend parenting. You seem very black and white about your options. As an adult whose parents stayed together far too long "for the children", living with parental relationship dysfunction is no picnic for the children and creates a most unhelpful blueprint for their own adult relationships, even if you're not raging and throwing things at each other.

DL: are you in a position where one of you (you or H) could move out - or move into another bedroom? Remember that you do not need someone's permission or co-operation to end a relationship or marriage that isn't working.
FWIW I think he is a far more selfish and unreasonable person than you are. from what you have posted. His behaviour and attitude demonstrate that he simply doesn't care about you other than as a convenience.

And I think that about everyone who has a low libido but who demands a partner with a high libido remains in the relationship and remains 'faithful'. Because if you don't want sex with your partner, it's no longer your business who s/he has sex with, and your relationship needs to be redefined ie your expectations of one another WRT childrearing, finance, housework, leisure time, friendship, can all work perfectly well once you separate the (not functioningin this relationship)sex side out ofit.

Some people do manage to have long term 'discrete' relationships in those sort of circumstances Darwin.
I dont see anything inherently wrong in principle with sticking to casual partners or sex only arrangements.

But afaik it can be very tricky, men often have quite different idea's about just what is meant by casual or 'no strings'

Pretty Feet You need to read the thread properly. The OPs DH tried to be sexual with her at the start so he was pretending to be something he wasnt. Why does he get a get out clause when it comes to honesty.....oh wait of course he does....he has a penis!

How would you guys deal with an asexual husband, apart from:
1. leave and become a weekend parent. or
2. stay and become celibate for life.

I would separate/leave but have a domestic arrangement that is not "weekend parenting".

There are all kinds of options. Separated but living in the same house if he is prepared to. Houses next door to each other/across the street/very close. Properly shared custody. It doesn't have to be so black and white.

Re: custody, I work very long hours at the moment so it would be weekends. And tbh, I want to live with my children, I shouldn't have to justify this.

The advice I need is how to carry out a successful FB lifestyle. I'm new at this and willing to learn. I believe I have the ability to make it work (although perhaps not with this current FB because I like him too much). I need advice re: compartmentalizing and emotional detatchment. I really want to learn how to improve my approach to FB setups. Any links/advice/suggestions on this aspect?

And tbh, I want to live with my children, I shouldn't have to justify this

Why wouldn't you be able to live with your children? Just because you work long hours doesn't mean that their primary residence wouldn't be with their mother!

You seem to be thinking just because you work long hours that means they live with their father. That's not how it works.

The OPs DH tried to be sexual with her at the start so he was pretending to be something he wasnt

Like someone said you sound v. bigoted HelenaDove. He may have not been properly aware himself of his true sexuality. Because he was sexual with the woman he married and had children with is absolutely not the same as knowing he was asexual. He could have been repressing it even to himself, fearing deeply he was abnormal. A bit of understanding for those with complex sexual orientation would not go amiss here.

Cheers I work longer hours than DH. tb he is a better, more hands-on parent than me. Him having custody would be in their best interests.