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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sensible perspective please

199 replies

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 00:33

I'm going to sound like a fruit loop I'm sure, but please bear with me and let me have your honest opinions - all will be greatly appreciated.

History: DH and I together almost three years, young DS 15 months. DH much older, whirlwind romance turned good.

Situation: I cannot get it out of my head that DH has a bit of an infatuation on someone at his work (she has actually recently left his office). A few trivial but odd incidents left me thinking this, a gut feel if you like.

I explained this to DH more than once. I explained how his odd behaviour was making me feel, and he assured me they just got on well, but that she was 'pig ugly' and just a great friend. Anyway, I've since clocked this girl and she is far from ugly.

A bit of a final straw came late last year when DH lied to me about who he'd been out with after work, said it was just the boys but then I saw a message on his phone from her saying she was on her way (albeit with another male colleague). I got rather upset, he understood, and said that as she was leaving, it was the last to do with the matter. He'd not told me that she'd been in the pub because 'You'd get upset'.

Tonight, he's come home and announced that he's going out with her and a mutual friend next week. All recollection of our previous conversations about this have been forgotten it seems. WTF?? I want to trust him, and I really do. He says he thought it was done and dusted, that it was ok now... Could he really forget everything we talked about just a few months ago?

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 28/02/2015 21:13

Me too.

gamerchick · 28/02/2015 21:18

Rational what really has upset you so much? has the OP content twanged a nerve in your history and it's coming out in a funny way?

It does happen. I'm just wondering why you're carrying it on.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 21:18

Try not to get so cross ImperialBlether.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 21:26

Gamerchick actually I'm not upset at all. Does it seem like I am. The only thing that does make me get the bit between my teeth is if I like it's a many against one situation.

Re the topic raised by OP I do feel a lot I of unnecessary pain is caused by unrealistic expectations of "ownership". I think this stems from societal and religious conditioning. I made vows to my husband re forsaking all others etc. But for us that doesn't mean we control each others interaction with the opposite sex.

Also I am having a torrid affair.

BuzzardBird · 28/02/2015 21:34

rational you need to start your own thread. I think you have problems that you could do with help with.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 21:38

No its fine, my DH knows all about it.

Higgle · 28/02/2015 21:39

All this and someone has made a full house of it by mentioning that pile of drivel "not just friends" by the long deceased religious nut Shirley Glass.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 21:54

OK took your advice and started a separate thread. Who's with me?

mulberrybag · 28/02/2015 22:22

No one is "with you". You have destroyed a thread and made it blatantly clear you are here for your own agenda. For what it's worth, I NEVER post on these threads because I doubt my input will assist in comparison to more experienced posters but you are only here for the windup and I'm pretty sure you haven't helped the Op one iota. Well done you clever thing. Oh and fwiw I think your opinion stinks

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 22:27

I feel the same about people who's answer always seems to be LTB. - that they have their own agenda. I guess we all do. I do hope everything is fine for OP, DH and DS. It's okay for other posters to disagree. I guess MN would be pretty boring if only one perspective were allowed.

Original poster

jugglingmonkey · 28/02/2015 23:10

Wow... I never thought this would generate such a debate.

To clarify, I never accused my DH of cheating. I'm sure he isn't. At most he's probably gotten a bit carried away with the idea of this woman, but we all know where that can end up...

The point I was making originally is that I'M not comfortable with it. I wanted opinions... Was I being crazy or not? It seems that opinions are truly polarised on this, and based on the fact that I don't have any male friends that I hang out with, I guess I find it harder to feel comfortable with DH having this woman in his social group, especially given that I've never met her.

Perhaps I'll try to get along to an old colleague's do soon and hope that I might meet her.

OP posts:

BuzzardBird · 28/02/2015 23:16

Juggling don't be distracted by half the nonsense you have read on here. As I have said on the other thread the someone has started about you (really not on) I don't think you have ever said that you have a problem with him having female friends. It's more his oversharing of info about this person that is a warning sign.

I would meet her if I were you and sense her actions, but don't forget, it's your DH that made promises to you, not her. It is in his hands.

Viviennemary · 28/02/2015 23:17

I think you were a bit over the top at first about this person. But she has left the firm now so I don't see why your DH is continuing to see her even wtih another colleague. That would really annoy me. He is out of order IMHO.

BIWI · 28/02/2015 23:52

Rationaloptimist123

J'accuse. You are a complete goady fucker.

You have jumped on this thread without a single concern for jugglingmonkey and her situation. Instead, you have made it all about you and your oh so (not) funny about your views about swearing, and the contributions of AnyFucker.

If you have an ounce of empathy, either fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more or give the OP the benefit of what is no doubt your many years of considered wisdom. And take your beef with AnyFucker far, far away on to another thread.

Because despite all this, there is a woman who is posting here who is in need of advice, friendship and help. Not someone who is having to wade through posts of entire drivel and shit, the likes of which you seem to revel in.

rationaloptimist123 · 01/03/2015 08:14

Of course this thread was not about me. I was just one of the few people suggesting to Juggling that it might just be possible that things are not actually as bad as others were concluding. We just don't know. I don't see any reason to create more anxiety when we don't have the facts for sure.

I was the only one (I think) expressing any concern about the DS.

AnyBadword went as far as telling a clearly worried OP exactly what her DH is fantasising about. Mind reading, catastrophising, fixating on the worst possible scenario - this is all legitimate "support" on MN.

Yet I am the one being vilified for not being supportive. Oh sorry, should have known - the only support permissable is to agree with AnyBadword (and her acolytes).

I won't.

Details about me were in answer to a direct question from Gamerchick.

BIWI · 01/03/2015 08:15

Juggling I think that's the key point - you don't feel comfortable about it, and you've already talked to your DH about your feelings. I think he might be trying to minimise things because he doesn't see it as a problem - but he needs to really understand that you have a problem with it - and he should be respecting that.

BallsforEarrings · 01/03/2015 08:48

Wow this thread - not sure what all this 'other stuff' is about but, in response to the OP, in my experience any time I have had a weird uncomfortable feeling like that something bad has happened.

We have intuition for a reason and if you are not usually suspicious in nature, your intuition is trying to tell you something.

I would be trying to find out more at this point at the same time as letting dh know what he stands to lose by ignoring my feelings yet again.

If my dh is ever uncomfortable with anything I do, even if it seems silly, I take heed and don't do whatever it is anymore because I don't want him to feel that way and I expect the same courtesy back - if it's not often a person feels like that then it should be respected.

Obviously if a person is suspicious all the time then that is entirely different and they have their own issues but I don't think that has been the case here.

badbaldingballerina123 · 01/03/2015 14:11

Have people missed the bit where he was sending her flirty emails and texts ?

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 14:16

yes, quite a few people have "missed that bit"

a bit conveniently, if you ask me

babbinocaro · 01/03/2015 15:06

Re the flirty emails and texts being overlooked/dismissed got me thinking that this may be a generational difference, younger posters see this as normal chat/banter which doesn't overstep any boundaries whereas those of us who haven't been socialised to conduct ourselves like this find it plain unacceptable and we come across as jealous, controlling harridans?

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 15:53

That may be the case, baby

but it was op that was upset the situation and in the scramble to minimise her feelings that can get lost

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 15:53

Sorry, babb not baby

badbaldingballerina123 · 01/03/2015 16:24

I don't know about the generation difference but I suspect most of the people insinuating the Op is controlling or paranoid wouldn't like their spouse sending flirty texts and engineering meetings ect.

I notice many of the ops in these sort of threads use phrases like am I being paranoid / am I irrational / is it my hormones ect to describe their discomfort about whatever is it that's going on with their spouse. I suspect the fear of being labelled controlling or paranoid prevents many people from insisting on reasonable boundrys.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2015 16:31

absolutely, bad, and being labelled as such happens as evidenced on this thread

I don't care what people think of my boundaries.

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