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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sensible perspective please

199 replies

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 00:33

I'm going to sound like a fruit loop I'm sure, but please bear with me and let me have your honest opinions - all will be greatly appreciated.

History: DH and I together almost three years, young DS 15 months. DH much older, whirlwind romance turned good.

Situation: I cannot get it out of my head that DH has a bit of an infatuation on someone at his work (she has actually recently left his office). A few trivial but odd incidents left me thinking this, a gut feel if you like.

I explained this to DH more than once. I explained how his odd behaviour was making me feel, and he assured me they just got on well, but that she was 'pig ugly' and just a great friend. Anyway, I've since clocked this girl and she is far from ugly.

A bit of a final straw came late last year when DH lied to me about who he'd been out with after work, said it was just the boys but then I saw a message on his phone from her saying she was on her way (albeit with another male colleague). I got rather upset, he understood, and said that as she was leaving, it was the last to do with the matter. He'd not told me that she'd been in the pub because 'You'd get upset'.

Tonight, he's come home and announced that he's going out with her and a mutual friend next week. All recollection of our previous conversations about this have been forgotten it seems. WTF?? I want to trust him, and I really do. He says he thought it was done and dusted, that it was ok now... Could he really forget everything we talked about just a few months ago?

OP posts:
countessmarkyabitch · 28/02/2015 15:56

I don't see anything to report here? It's just differing opinions.

pocketsaviour · 28/02/2015 16:07

I'll put you out of your misery, rational, by pointing out that cambridge is not the OP.

OP - I second PP's suggestions to invite her round for dinner, or get a babysitter and both of you go out to meet her, with others.

I stay friends with lots of people I've worked with - I'm in a relatively specialised role and networking is important. I have probably more male friends than female who I've met like this. Generally I am friends with their partners, too, or have at least met them. I may even have sent one or two of them a text that could have been read as slightly flirty!! shock horror.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 16:25

Pocketsaviour
Yes I did pick that up. But AnyBadword specifically advised OP to give her DS an ultimatum and then make him Angry off out of the house.

This seems rather extreme to me that's all. I might be wrong.

Of course he could be being unfaithful. Equally he could be being faithful. I am just questioning how some posters seem to be so rock solid sure and tell her what she should do and what her DS should and shouldn't do.

It all seems rather hectoring and unhelpful to me.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 16:35

^for me, this would be one of those times

and if he kicked off at having his "freedom" curtailed, he would be invited to take it with him when he fucked right off to live somewhere else completely in the clear to mess around with OW as much as he liked^

Let me point out the first two words of that message you seem to have such an issue with. In no way is it "hectoring". This is a support board. There is a caveat at the top of the threads reminding us that posters are not necessarily qualified professionals. They post from their own viewpoint. I will continue to do that.

Higgle · 28/02/2015 16:48

I'd be pretty annoyed if my husband banned friends of the opposite sex, the OP seems to expect to be able to dictate to him and then be surprised if he is a little evasive in how he leads his life. I would have thought that he has a better chance of divorcing her than the other way round ! I cannot abide jealous restrictive behaviour, nothing is more certain to kill a relationship.

Cambridgechick · 28/02/2015 16:50

Hi there AnyFucker, you've posted on my threads before, and I've always found your advice to be helpful and eminently sensible.

I'm not the OP, just wanted to share that I've been through a very similar experience with my DH, we also met at work and had a 'whirlwind' romance. EAs are sadly all too easy and all too commonplace at work. Experience tells me that you ignore the warning signs at your peril. My example is extreme, I know, but my DH did end up being sacked for gross misconduct due to his persistent flirtatious behaviour which eventually crossed the line and became harassment. I only wish I'd had my eyes opened earlier and hadn't spent years 'tolerating' his female friendships. When you marry, you agree to 'forsake all others' and that doesn't just mean you won't sleep around IMHO, it's a promise not to behave in a way which you would not want your partner to know about. If you can't commit to that, then don't get married. It's that simple. Trust lies at the core of marriage and when you can't trust your other half you don't have a marriage, only a piece of paper.

In answer to AnyFucker's question, divorce is not underway YET, but I'm in an abusive situation and am trying to get everything in place so that I can leave and survive on my own. After 2years, I am about to be in a position where I can survive on my own financially and after that I hope I will finally achieve some piece of mind after literally years of torment and uncertainty. I wish OP all the best on her journey and hope she will make her own decision about what is right for her. OP, please don't let anyone tell you that you are paranoid or insecure. Whatever is really going on between your DH and this woman, he should not be going behind your back or lying (in an abusive way) about her attractiveness.

Christinayang1 · 28/02/2015 16:52

cambridge

I hope you do manage to get out, it sounds awful, are you getting some support?

OP how's things?

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 17:09

AnyBadword
Your precise words from earlier.." he wants more, he is fantasising about more or he has already had more "

That comes across as pretty hectoring to me. You have taken the limited number of facts that OP has posted here and told yourself and OP, in no uncertain terms, exactly what her husband wants and what he is even thinking about.

How can you be so sure?

Higgle · 28/02/2015 17:20

When AF and others purport to know what is in the mind of someone they have never met I'm reminded of how David Southall claimed to know Sally Clark's husband had killed her sons after watching an interview on Chanel 4. On this site we are only; getting one side of the story, there is no way of knowing and it displays very poor judgement to believe you can actually know what is going on in another person's family just on the basis of what one member of it has to say on an internet forum.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 17:23

If a concerned male poster had some worries about his DW meeting up with a former work colleague and the male equivalent of AnyBadword had said to him...

Look mate... she clearly wants more, she is clearly fantisising about him or has already had more

To me that would sound less than helpful or supportive to someone who is already concerned and anxious. Coming from an unconnected 3rd party man, to my hears, these words would actually have quite sinister, menancing and rather pernicious undertones - especially for someone who has already revealed they are in a vulnerable and emotional state...

I cannot get it out of my head that DW has a bit of an infatuation on someone at her work

BIWI · 28/02/2015 17:25

Instead of tearing AnyFucker's threads apart, why not help the OP with her dilemma?

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 17:41

Its a dialogue, BIWI. Are you her minder?

BIWI · 28/02/2015 17:49

It's a dialogue that has no purpose other than to have a go at someone who isn't the OP.

And that's the last comment from me, because otherwise I will be doing the same thing.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 17:59

I'm quite new here but is AnyBadword sort of like the Queen Bea Smith (from Prisoner Cell Block H ... remember that??) of Mumsnet?

If she makes a pronouncement - are we also supposed to kowtow?

Sorry I didn't see that in the forum guidelines.

gamerchick · 28/02/2015 18:05

Fuxache rational you're making yourself look like a right div. Take it to PM or something if you have a problem with someone instead of derailing the thread.

clam · 28/02/2015 18:13

Take it to PM... if you have a problem with someone. Really? Is that what people are meant to do?
I'd be seriously hacked off if someone started having a go at me through PM.

Christinayang1 · 28/02/2015 18:13

Your making a badword of yourself

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 18:27

faintly amusing Smile

cambridge I wish you well in escaping your situation and it is very kind of you to post on this thread. I think I remember you.

BuzzardBird · 28/02/2015 18:36

Grin Christina

Higgle · 28/02/2015 18:42

RO123 is right though, how can AF justify the assumptions she has made,
being cut a lot of slack as "a bit of a character" doesn't really work when it is someone's marriage she is messing about with.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 18:43

It's not me that is messing about with OP's marriage.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 18:44

Higgle did I call your husband a cock once, or summat ?

Higgle · 28/02/2015 18:51

Rather worse than that I'm afraid, and when I see osts such as this, with no foundation it seems nothing has changed.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 18:51

Hello gamerchick, Christinayang and BuzzardBird I take it you must be Queen Bea Smith's (AnyBadword) acolytes? Nice to meet you. Peace and love.

I have never been in a (cardboard) Australian prison for women. But I did go to a girl's school. Your behaviour seems oddly reminiscent.

You have come to defend Queen Bea. She has deposited a blessing upon you. You all look so tough and mean. Ooooh. Scrummy.

Nancy66 · 28/02/2015 18:53

rationaloptomist. You can spell 'anal' and 'tit' using the letters of your username.

Bad words.