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Original poster

Sensible perspective please

199 replies

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 00:33

I'm going to sound like a fruit loop I'm sure, but please bear with me and let me have your honest opinions - all will be greatly appreciated.

History: DH and I together almost three years, young DS 15 months. DH much older, whirlwind romance turned good.

Situation: I cannot get it out of my head that DH has a bit of an infatuation on someone at his work (she has actually recently left his office). A few trivial but odd incidents left me thinking this, a gut feel if you like.

I explained this to DH more than once. I explained how his odd behaviour was making me feel, and he assured me they just got on well, but that she was 'pig ugly' and just a great friend. Anyway, I've since clocked this girl and she is far from ugly.

A bit of a final straw came late last year when DH lied to me about who he'd been out with after work, said it was just the boys but then I saw a message on his phone from her saying she was on her way (albeit with another male colleague). I got rather upset, he understood, and said that as she was leaving, it was the last to do with the matter. He'd not told me that she'd been in the pub because 'You'd get upset'.

Tonight, he's come home and announced that he's going out with her and a mutual friend next week. All recollection of our previous conversations about this have been forgotten it seems. WTF?? I want to trust him, and I really do. He says he thought it was done and dusted, that it was ok now... Could he really forget everything we talked about just a few months ago?

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 27/02/2015 16:55

Countess I don't have to justify my choices to you or anyone else. I find your sarcastic insinuation that I am controlling extremely insulting. Who said anything about telling people who they can and can't be friends with ? That's quite a leap you've made there.

There is no suggestion that you or anyone else shouldn't have opp sex friends. That's up to you. As I said previously I PERSONALLY CHOOSE NOT TO.

Is that ok with you , stranger on the internet ? Or should I dash off and make friends with men to keep you happy ? If you've had problems with a controlling partner in the past , take it up with them. Your accusations Nd sarcasm isn't warranted.

countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 17:01

It's not a sarcastic insinuation at all, its a bald statement that is right out there.
I think you misunderstood somewhere along the line, since the discussion is about opposite sex friends of your partner. Nobody asked or indeed cares about you and your own choice of friends. And the thread is about the Op and her partners choice of friends, please start your own thread if you'd like to talk more about yourself.

badbaldingballerina123 · 27/02/2015 17:11

I misunderstood nothing and I am fully aware of what the thread is about .while I'm sure that my choice of friends isn't very interesting it was interesting enough to YOU to write several unpleasant and untrue posts.

Please start your own thread if you want to talk more about making unpleasant assumptions about someone's character.

Missqwerty · 27/02/2015 17:14

It could all be innocent, I do see why your worried though. Could you not suggest perhaps going along the odd time. Or hosting a BBQ or something similar when the weather is warmer? That way you can size up the situation, who knows.. you might really like her and be put at ease.

countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 17:16

My posts said nothing at all about your choice of friends, they are about controlling a partners friends. You are obviously confused. I said nothing about your character. Please stop derailing the thread with complaints about things that didn't happen.

PatriciaHolm · 27/02/2015 17:23

Blimey ballerina, who rattled your cage today?

You said you weren't tolerant of opposite sex friendships, which I and others took to suggest that you wouldn't tolerate a partner of yours having them. Not just that you yourself didn't have them; if that was all you meant, then "tolerate" was an odd choice of word, no? Surely you would just say "I don't have" or "I choose not to".

Anyone who doesn't tolerate their partner being friends with someone of the opposite sex is controlling, male or female. It's a standard technique of controlling men for example, to isolate their partner from support and help.

Anyway. I don't think this is actually what the OP wants to do anyway. She would like her partner to voluntarily drop this woman but I don't think he wants to, and can't understand what the problem is. Men and women can have entirely platonic friendships.

Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 17:23

If he was up to something why would he tell you he was going to see her?

Maybe he does find her attractive [ although I find his comment offensive] that doesn't mean he is doing anything, it's difficult when you are a new mum and not working anymore, you can lose some of your confidence and feel a bit out of it

Can I ask what were the comments that made you feel uncomfortable?

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 18:36

Thanks for all the replies...

And sorry I appear to have started a bun fight. Perhaps that's the issue though - I don't have male friends. I don't see the need (I don't avoid making male friends, it just doesn't happen). I have male colleagues, but I don't bleet on about them (as DH has done about the woman in question).

I'm not looking to control who he sees socially, or for work reasons. As one poster suggests, I wanted to explore my uneasiness with a conversation - we did that and he volunteered that he wouldn't see her anymore as she was leaving the office anyway... But he forgot all that and now plans to meet up. I just find the situation weird, that's all. But again, perhaps it's because I don't see other men socially.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 18:41

How long have you felt uncomfortable with the situation?

Rebecca2014 · 27/02/2015 18:50

This reminds me of another thread on here. The poster got involved with an older married man, they got together settled and have children. They are now having problems as the excitement is gone in their relationship.

It sounds like your situation, you were his colleague and I am sure that was a thrill for him. Now there is a new young woman on the scene and he may be reliving the 'old' life. It is strange that she has left the office yet they are still meeting up.

He has lied before so for you know they could be regularly keeping contact by phone? have you checked his phone?

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 19:12

I'd say nearly a year. Since I have been off work and he started waxing lyrical about her to one of his mates one evening when he was drunk and I over heard it (just singing her praises really, how cool/interesting she was - nothing awful I realise that). And yes, my self-confidence was pretty low at this point...

But then there were a few ever so slightly flirtatious texts/emails - I only snooped a bit, over his shoulder.

Then the pub night... Then something really silly happened that I can't even explain here because it's too complicated!

I know it's irrational. But I don't think my unease with it is completely unfounded.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 19:20

I can see why you would be uncomfortable and if your gut instinct is telling you something isn't right then I would listen to it

It is a bit concerning that you had only been together two years when you started worrying about this

You said he is older, has he been married before?

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 19:25

Not married before, but he was in a long term relationship that ended a good seven years ago.

I guess I wouldn't make social plans with someone who'd left work... It very much feels like they have engineered this get together (there will be others there), but he has said it was she who initiated it.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 27/02/2015 19:26

Honestly, I don't think it's strange he would meet old colleagues for a drink, it's pretty normal surely?

I think you may have had a misunderstanding; he didn't commit to not seeing her, he just said he wouldn't because she wouldn't be working with him any more. Not a deliberate avoidance, just circumstances. Now she is coming to an old colleagues meet up.

Has he given you any real, concrete reason not to trust him, honestly?

Christinayang1 · 27/02/2015 19:26

Well he has told you about it, he didn't have to...

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 20:08

Patricia, not quite... This was a second attempt at getting together... The first time he mentioned it was when he and I talked at length about why I felt uncomfortable. He took it all onboard, admitted he'd behaved oddly about her, and said it wouldn't happen, and to not worry about it - the meet up was no big deal... But here it is, being arranged again!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 20:33

"telling you all about it upfront" is not a sign there is nothing dodgy about this

some wily fuckers hide in plain sight and blame you for being suspicious by whining "but I tollllld you what I was doing...."

ClockwiseCat · 27/02/2015 20:49

Tbh from what you've described my spidey senses would be tingling too. I'm not sure what exactly you can do other than keep a close eye.

Sometimes you just know something is amiss but it's hard to explain why.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 21:18

OP, you have an instinct for a reason. Ignore it at your peril.

beaglesaresweet · 28/02/2015 00:56

Instinct is one thing, but with no solid proof what can OP do in such situation? Forbid him to see her? that will cause a bad feeling and also may make him do as he wants anyway but not tell OP. Talk to him yet again? he seems to be stil doing what he wants anyway. So it's hard to advise.
Out of the two I think best to let him go but even better if he could invite you along, OP - see how he reacts to that suggestion, you don't have to actually but if it's innocent, he would not appear strongly resistant.

Hobbitwife001 · 28/02/2015 01:12

Women's intuition is a powerful thing OP, you know your partner and his behaviours aren't looking good are they? Praising her, flirty texts, innapropriate over friendliness, it sounds like an emotional affair to me.

There is a boundary, and I feel it has been crossed, I wish I had approached the supposed "friend" that my STBXH was sniffing around, as AF has said, sometimes they hide in plain sight, which is exactly what happened in my case. Wily fuckers indeed ;(

badbaldingballerina123 · 28/02/2015 02:49

Op this really should have been stamped on at the point where he was sending her flirtatious texts and emails. At the point this was occurring he had already crossed the line and was well out of the range of normal friendship.. Had these emails and texts been unwelcome by her she would have shut him down. She hasn't, and in fact is arranging to meet him.

It's not jealous / controlling / paranoid or irrational, ect to have boundrys in your marriage.

His friendship , or whatever it is , is inappropriate and is causing you distress hence you posting on here. He knows you are distressed , he knows what you suspect and is continuing anyway.

Like others say , you cannot dictate his friends or tell him whether to go or not. But you can make it clear that doing so will have serious consequences for your marriage. What he does with that is his choice.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 03:49

You can't go on together with suspicious minds. And you can't build your dreams on suspicious minds.

So if an old friend he knows stops by to say hello, would he still see suspicion in your eyes?

Oh let your love survive. Or dry the tears from your eyes. Don't let a good thing die.

Mmm yeah. Mmmm yeah.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

babbinocaro · 28/02/2015 07:45

To me sounds like he's like he's sniffing around her - you are now the boring, domesticated wifey at home and she is the special sparkly one who goes on holidays (wow!!!!). She probably gets her drinks paid for by her friends and they get to hang out with an upgrade or so they feel. Are you sure other people will be there? Not just one drink then her and your OH and her can be on a date? Speak from experience, sadly, Do trust your instinct and stand your ground - some men are terrible pisstakers.

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 28/02/2015 07:51

Babbi, that's my fear exactly. DH is usually the last one standing on a night out anyway (in fact, this is the same scenario in which he and I got together). Mutual friend trots home to his own family, DH and she stay out.

OP posts: