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Original poster

Sensible perspective please

199 replies

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 00:33

I'm going to sound like a fruit loop I'm sure, but please bear with me and let me have your honest opinions - all will be greatly appreciated.

History: DH and I together almost three years, young DS 15 months. DH much older, whirlwind romance turned good.

Situation: I cannot get it out of my head that DH has a bit of an infatuation on someone at his work (she has actually recently left his office). A few trivial but odd incidents left me thinking this, a gut feel if you like.

I explained this to DH more than once. I explained how his odd behaviour was making me feel, and he assured me they just got on well, but that she was 'pig ugly' and just a great friend. Anyway, I've since clocked this girl and she is far from ugly.

A bit of a final straw came late last year when DH lied to me about who he'd been out with after work, said it was just the boys but then I saw a message on his phone from her saying she was on her way (albeit with another male colleague). I got rather upset, he understood, and said that as she was leaving, it was the last to do with the matter. He'd not told me that she'd been in the pub because 'You'd get upset'.

Tonight, he's come home and announced that he's going out with her and a mutual friend next week. All recollection of our previous conversations about this have been forgotten it seems. WTF?? I want to trust him, and I really do. He says he thought it was done and dusted, that it was ok now... Could he really forget everything we talked about just a few months ago?

OP posts:
owlborn · 28/02/2015 12:29

Having now rtft sorry! This situation does seem wonky and instincts are there for a reason. Second the suggestion of asking if you can come along too.

Minus2seventy3 · 28/02/2015 13:08

So when the OP's husband is invited out by a group of friends, he has to ask if this woman is attending and, if so? Decline, thus alienating himself from all his friends/colleagues? Or go, and face an ultimatum of divorce?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 13:10

Where is the "ultimatum of divorce" ?

I asked another poster if the divorce was under way. It would be better if people RTFT.

Minus2seventy3 · 28/02/2015 13:18

Okay, no divorce then Hmm... Just "fucking right off to live somewhere else" if he doesn't toe the line.
If a man were to try vet his wife's friends, 99% of this board would call him controlling.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 13:22

BIWI & Buzzard & AnyBadword
I prefer to have a conversation without profanity. It just seems unnecessarily aggressive to me. But you don't have to agree.

I know I'm clearly going against the MN hegemony here. But I hope that's okay too.

Perhaps OP was looking for some reassurance. If not fine. Maybe LTB is the right answer.

So if OP follows your advice now AnyBadword to give an ultimatum...

Possible results

  1. He complies fully and honestly. He tells the former work colleagues that he can't socialise with members of the opposite sex any more.
  2. He lies to appease OP and carries on doing what he wants but it's now all underground.
  3. He reacts against be told who he can and can't socialise with. We end up with breaking up and OP is left alone with the toddler

Which outcome do you think is most likely?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 13:31

have you RTFT, Minus ?

Nancy66 · 28/02/2015 13:32

it's not about controlling friendships.
It's absolutely fine for husbands and wives to have friends of the opposite sex.

But the OP isn't relaxed about this particular friendship. Her partner seems a little 'enchanted' by this woman, he lied about her being unattractive when the opposite is true. He lied about seeing her.

MASSIVE FUCKING ALARM BELLS

AskBasil · 28/02/2015 13:37

Well, your gut feel is usually right.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 13:39

...and he kicks off and starts arguments when op tries to address her discomfort with him

are these the actions of a man with a simple same sex "friendship" ?

nope

he wants more, he is fantasising about more or he has already had more

any of those scenarios are absolutely op's business and completely her choice about how far she wants to take her total right to veto it

Minus2seventy3 · 28/02/2015 13:39

Yeah, I have indeed rtff, thanks.
I'm hardly a lone voice here saying that the OP's husband should be allowed his own friends.
If he were going out alone with this woman, then yes, I could see an issue. But in groups? Sorry, no.

countessmarkyabitch · 28/02/2015 14:10

Instinct and gut feeling doesn't mean you are right about the other person, its just as likely that the feeling is coming from your own issues or anxieties. Or not.

But nobody knows. Even OP can't decide. Which is why I'm always surprised as posters being so convinced of the reasons for the actions of someone they have never met and know nothing about at all. And I really don't see how its helpful to be so insistent to OP that they know what she should do or think.

OP, at the core of your problem is that you have decisions to make. He's guilty of hurting your feelings and upsetting you, so far. You need to decide if he is guilty of anything else. And what you want to happen next.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 14:30

AnyBadword
You say:
"He wants more. He is fantasising about more or he has already had more"

How do you know?
Are you being helpful to OP by stating your opinions as facts?

BathtimeFunkster · 28/02/2015 14:43

What Imperial said.

Stop TTC with this man.

It sounds like you've married a creepy old lech.

"Pig ugly" Hmm Ugh.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 14:56

OP, you still around ?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:17

See this thread here ?

This is an example of how op's husband should be behaving in the face of her valid discomfort in the situation.

countessmarkyabitch · 28/02/2015 15:21

Um why? They are different people, in their own situation. And I'm not sure how you think you're qualified to be stating exactly how OP's husband should be behaving, given that you've never met him and you don't get to decide how other people should behave anyway

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:24

I value the friendship but value my marriage more. I personally don't see that this is anything but friendship but I understand my wife's concerns and that's been enough for me to leave it alone. My wife is not controlling or the jealous type so don't see it as her simply not liking me having a female friend all of a sudden.

So this is not relevant then ? You don't see this as an example of respectful behaviour towards your spouse ?

Righty-o

gamerchick · 28/02/2015 15:25

I.know it was suggested earlier but why aren't you going along to this night out? I likes a good night out with the husband me.. blows off steam.

countessmarkyabitch · 28/02/2015 15:31

Well for a start we don't know if the OP is a controlling or jealous type: she has already said she doesn't have male friends and doesn't really get the concept.
That was the partner speaking for himself. Here we have no idea of the H's side of things, so no, I don't really see the relevance. Apples and oranges.

Minus2seventy3 · 28/02/2015 15:34

Perfectly respectable, yes. But let's say this chap in the other thread has a leaving do. Would the wife be right in asking him not to invite the woman? Would be a pretty shitty thing to do imo (both the insistence on the part of the wife, and the lack of invite to the woman who may or may not have ideas beyond a simple friendship.
Because in this OP, the DW seems to be of the opinion that any contact, be it lone contact (and here I'd be skeptical, certainly), and group contact should be out.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:37

OP is objecting to renewed contact with this woman based on her husband's previous behaviour around her, which he himself has agreed was inappropriate and promised to knock it on the head.

I obviously can't this enough times on this thread.... RTFT.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:37

can't say

MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 28/02/2015 15:41

ahem

countessmarkyabitch · 28/02/2015 15:42

I've RTFT. I was on it before you were.

It must be nice to be so confident in oneself to be able to not only mindread over the internet but also know exactly what everyone else should say AND even think.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:45

hello Olivia

is someone reporting people on the internet are disagreeing ?

< pops perkillator on >