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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sensible perspective please

199 replies

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 00:33

I'm going to sound like a fruit loop I'm sure, but please bear with me and let me have your honest opinions - all will be greatly appreciated.

History: DH and I together almost three years, young DS 15 months. DH much older, whirlwind romance turned good.

Situation: I cannot get it out of my head that DH has a bit of an infatuation on someone at his work (she has actually recently left his office). A few trivial but odd incidents left me thinking this, a gut feel if you like.

I explained this to DH more than once. I explained how his odd behaviour was making me feel, and he assured me they just got on well, but that she was 'pig ugly' and just a great friend. Anyway, I've since clocked this girl and she is far from ugly.

A bit of a final straw came late last year when DH lied to me about who he'd been out with after work, said it was just the boys but then I saw a message on his phone from her saying she was on her way (albeit with another male colleague). I got rather upset, he understood, and said that as she was leaving, it was the last to do with the matter. He'd not told me that she'd been in the pub because 'You'd get upset'.

Tonight, he's come home and announced that he's going out with her and a mutual friend next week. All recollection of our previous conversations about this have been forgotten it seems. WTF?? I want to trust him, and I really do. He says he thought it was done and dusted, that it was ok now... Could he really forget everything we talked about just a few months ago?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 08:13

helpful, RO ConfusedHmm

Cambridgechick · 28/02/2015 08:32

A thought to counterbalance all the 'super tolerant' people who are suggesting to OP that she is the problem. I have a controlling DH, who cannot bear me even talking to a man. However over the past 10 years he has repeatedly indulged in inappropriate friendships at work. It took me a while to work out what was going on because I've always been very trusting and not the jealous type. He behaved exactly as you described your DP; there was always a semi-legitimate reason for the meeting, or he was going out with 'the guys', or he didn't mention it because it would 'upset' me, or she was 'pig ugly' and why would I be suspicious anyway? Eventually, incontravertible evidence came to light and in counselling he admitted to 'inappropriate' behaviour with many women in many occasions. Eventually he got sacked for sexually harassing a much younger girl at work, who was frightened by his unwanted attentions. My gut instinct was right, but stupidly I believed his gaslighting. Some men, like my DH, only see women in a sexual context and are incapable of platonic friendships. I wouldn't stop him though, I can't, he'll never change. It stinks though when he has the nerve to suspect me. Trust yourself OPFlowers

alphabook · 28/02/2015 08:48

My spidey senses would also be tingling with this. I strongly believe there's nothing wrong with people in relationships having opposite sex friends, but the fawning over her and flirtatious messages are not on. The describing her as "pig ugly" is also very odd - hardly a nice way to describe a friend, and if she's not then it sounds like he's protesting a bit too much. My ex told me he would never be interested in a female friend of his because she was fat - he dumped me for her not long after.

Have you actually ever talked to him about the reasons why this friendship makes you uncomfortable? Because they're pretty valid reasons.

CitySnicker · 28/02/2015 08:49

How about you say, 'great! I'd love an opportunity to meet up with your colleagues too. I'll meet up with you all a bit later?' Then be her best friend.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/02/2015 08:58

I cannot get past the "pig ugly" comment.

This REASSURED you? Instead of ringing alarm bells that he sees women in terms of sexual or decorative function only?

Hakluyt · 28/02/2015 09:01

Why would you want to be with someone who described a friend as "pig ugly" and expected you to be reassured by this?

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 28/02/2015 09:21

No of course it didn't reassure me. I thought it was awful, untrue, and as someone else suggested, a smokescreen.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 28/02/2015 09:33

Op, you need to speak to him( again) tell him your concerns, tell him what his behavior has caused concern and remind him re the agreement from your last conversation

Original poster
jugglingmonkey · 28/02/2015 09:35

Oh I did, resulted in a huge fight. Me controlling etc. he claims to have forgotten the previous conversation completely. Quite how, I have no idea.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 28/02/2015 09:36

It doesn't sound good does it, is he still going?

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 09:49

Suspicion torments my heart. Suspicion keeps us apart. Suspicion. Why torture meeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 10:03

Cambridge, please tell me the divorce is under way Shock

op, sometimes an ultimatum is required

for me, this would be one of those times

and if he kicked off at having his "freedom" curtailed, he would be invited to take it with him when he fucked right off to live somewhere else completely in the clear to mess around with OW as much as he liked

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 11:02

AnyBadword Do you ever suggest anything else?

What would the grounds for divorce be in this instance?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 11:21

If you see no grounds for divorce in canmbridgechick's description of her husband's behaviour, then there is no point having a dialogue with you

oh, and get off my fucking back

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 11:28

Excuse me AnyBadword ?

Having a drink with a former work colleague who happens to be the opposite sex.

Not against the law in this country.
Not "on your badword back" just asking you a question and disagreeing with you.

Also not illegal - in this country or on MN

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 11:31

Have you difficulties with reading comprehension ?

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 11:35

Don't think so.

You're telling OP she should tell her DH to badword off and live somewhere else completely. So leave his wife and their 15 month old son... because he has a drink with a female work colleague.

Have I missed your point AnyBadword?

Nancy66 · 28/02/2015 11:37

You don't get these sixth sense 'something isn't right here' feelings for no reason.

In a past long-term relationship I constantly had the feeling that my partner was cheating. There was no evidence, no proof, he always denied it and told me I was being paranoid: check my phone, check my email, ask my friends, have me followed...he'd say.

But, guess what, he was cheating and not just with one woman.

Instinct is a powerful thing.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 11:37

Yes.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 11:38

What was it?

BIWI · 28/02/2015 11:46

The word you're looking for is 'fuck' or 'fucker', rational. Or the expression 'fuck off'

BuzzardBird · 28/02/2015 11:47

What the fuck is all this 'badword' bull?

Anyway, 'grounds for divorce' would be 'unreasonable behaviour', OP doesn't have to be married to anyone who doesn't respect her feelings or fails to comprehend how she feels about something. She is allowed to not like some behaviour that she feels oversteps the mark. Equally, if he wants to see this woman socially and ignore his wife's feeling then he can to. But OP doesn't have to put up with it. This is 2015.

ImperialBlether · 28/02/2015 11:47

I think it's pretty clear that he is looking for a bit of excitement and is determined to get it. He's lied about her - about her looks (and yes, what a horrible thing to say about anyone) and when he's seen her. You know he's lied - you've read the texts, heard the words out of his own mouth.

I'd hold fire on that second baby, OP. You rushed into things with this man and didn't really know him at all. You are learning about his character now - wait a while to see whether you like what you see.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 12:06

Wow there does seem to be rather a lot of cwossness here. Not healthy.

owlborn · 28/02/2015 12:27

"I'm sure most people don't agree but I'm not tolerant of these opposite sex friendships."

Quote from earlier which made me Hmm. Why can't people have opposite sex friends? I mean, I'm bisexual, I've had serious girlfriends pre-DH. Should I never leave the house again? Or are straight people just way more highly sexed than non-straight people and can't help themselves? That just seems like a ridiculous thing to say.

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