Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

320 replies

FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:00

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/02/2015 08:15

Have some respect?

First you tell her she's 40 and with three kids she is unrealistic to have a sex life.

Then you tell her she's the wrong shape- men don't want thin women. You add your stats to give us a picture.

Then you tell her she's doing sex wrong. She's boring in bed needs to spice it up. That's the problem with women, they're all about the missionary.

You sound completely and utterly bizarre.

Christinayang1 · 26/02/2015 08:17

Actually the op is the one who asked if he was having an affair and at no point does she say that the marriage is good. What is evident from her posting is her frustration at the situation he has put her in, the fact that he works away, keeps secrets and has a previous porn addiction has all added to her worry and uncertainty...she specifically said that he only cuddles her in front of the children, never at any other time...this is not a healthy man and his behavior is starting to have a real impact on his wife

Shez0485 · 26/02/2015 08:18

Hi from a male perspective, it's just boredom. He still loves you but finds it difficult to ask you to help with his fantasies. He probably masturbates alone regularly, and that's why he doesn't have the need for sex. Men masturbate to relieve stress, to imagine the fantasy and ironically I bet you figure strongly in he fantasies just carrying out what he wants you to do.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/02/2015 08:25

Oh yeah coz touching or shagging your wife more than once a year is so boring isn't it.

Poor little wanker.

Sukie272 · 26/02/2015 08:55

I agree with Shez.

JohnF... to clarify (since I've clearly confused you again)... I didn't say OP is unrealistic to expect a good sex life at 40. I said she may need to try new tactics or new approaches to get him excited about sex again.
I didn't assume their sex-life had been dull, I said she might need to spice it up and accommodate his fantasies if it was previously very routine. OP later assured me it used to be passionate, adventurous and open-minded, so clearly this wasn't the issue (although for many couples it is).
OP had wondered if her husband preferred curvier women and I agreed this seemed likely given the evidence. I didn't say thin was the 'wrong shape' I said not all men find thin sexually attractive. I gave my stats to point out size 8 is not necessarily 'healthier than a 12' and that my views did not stem from 'lack of confidence' about my body shape (as one poster insisted).

There are many many reasons a man can go off sex. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her. He might even have problems maintaining an erection or suffer performance anxiety, and be too ashamed to tell her. I think it's wrong to try and convince OP to assume the worst when she's clearly stated she wants to fix the problem.

Christinayang1 · 26/02/2015 08:59

She can't fix the problem on her own and the problem appears to be his, but what exactly is he doing about it?

Even if he has gone off sex , which is unlikely given his issues with porn, why doesn't he cuddle and hold her?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/02/2015 09:12

There are many many reasons a man can go off sex.

No shit, sherlock.

So Shez, since you have brought your manly insight to this, can I also ask where you got the idea that she figures strongly in his fantasies from? Because the Op says he told her he fantasises about porn when he has sex with her.

Can I also ask where you got the idea that 'He still loves you' from? Because most people see part of loving someone as trying very hard to make them happy - and the op says he has no interest in trying to make her orgasm, or cuddling, despite years of her wanting this. Perhaps you could explain further.

And if you are right, it's "just boredom": what then is your solution?

Shez0485 · 26/02/2015 09:26

I have the same issues. I love my wife. But I don't get the satisfaction from intercourse anymore. I can't ejaculate or maintain an erection. After 20 years I need something else to get me going. Toys now play a major part in our sex life. And she gets to climax too

TheJiminyConjecture · 26/02/2015 09:31

And she gets to climax too

Well lucky her Hmm

Shez0485 · 26/02/2015 09:33

Don't knock it., many women have been married for years and have never had an orgasm

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/02/2015 09:34

Well, actually you don't know they are 'the same issues', do you? He has refused to tell OP.

Are you saying that you have used porn so much that you can't fuck anymore? It's too boring for you?
Christ.

How many years did it take for you to let your wife know what the issue was or did she always know? I assume you had lots of discussions, GP, counseling etc, and then decided - both of you mutually decided - that toys were the way forward.

TheJiminyConjecture · 26/02/2015 09:41

And many men aren't bored by having sex with their wife.

Sweeping generalisations go both ways.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/02/2015 09:41

You also say your wife gets to climax too - presumably you are in the same room(!?) with her, and you enjoy this.

The OP says he has no interest in her orgasm at all.

You are trying to satisfy your wife, right, and to keep a sexual relationship going?

If so, your issues DO seem rather different from his.

Shez0485 · 26/02/2015 09:41

No we have 3 kids.,only in the last few years. And if toys bring us together and mutual satisfaction what's the harm in that?
At least we are trying different things to keep our sex life alive

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/02/2015 09:43

At least we are trying different things to keep our sex life alive

So not like the OPs DH at all, then?

Shez0485 · 26/02/2015 09:48

I'm saying I was doing exactly the same thing as DH in OP.. By realised I as wrong and needed to change.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/02/2015 09:50

You had no desire for your wife only porn?

What did it take for you to realise you needed to change?

Shez0485 · 26/02/2015 09:59

I focused my fantasies on my wife and told her what I liked. I discovered she enjoyed porn too. When we watch together she gets amazingly wet and then finishes with the vibrator or Dildo (or both if she's in the mood) and then I finish

JohnFarleysRuskin · 26/02/2015 10:03

What a sad tale.

You should go into schools: 'hey kids, watch too much porn and you won't be able to fuck' :(

What was your wife doing all those years when you were ignoring her sexually, refusing to pleasure her, and refusing to explain what was going on?

Christinayang1 · 26/02/2015 10:04

Shez I appreciate that you have given a different point of view and I appreciate your openness , I also understand that each to their own in terms of a sex life, however for me your way seems distant and mechanical, I need that closeness with dh...it's not just about sex, it's about love and intimacy and I think for the op she is missing that

Shez0485 · 26/02/2015 10:27

Whilst she's using her toys I stroke and massage her. I kiss her and we talk (you know what I mean) and so there is a connection. She helps me come and we don't do it alone (well sometimes I cheat) but she knows that

Untouchable · 26/02/2015 10:29

I think OP that you have at least realised that it is unlikely this situation will change as you are not the one that closed the doors and he can't be arsed to do anything about it. It's all about his lazy, unemotional, selfish desire for quick release. Nowhere do you say that he worries how it is for you. Withholding affection and intimacy of course can be a control issue and not in the 50 shades of drivel Stepford wives way that some of these posters are whining on about. It is just to keep you in your place as unpaid housekeeper, whilst he wanks himself blind fantasizing about the scullery maid with the daddy issue.

Some men are selfish shits that see women either as purchasable sex slaves who they can abuse or chattle, domestic slaves, like their Mothers. Putting on a rubber gimp mask and slavering yourself in Flora is not going to change that.

And no, size has nothing to do with a woman being rejected. It's the rejection that destroys your self confidence, not your body.

Sukie272 · 26/02/2015 10:33

Christiana.. why is it 'distant and mechanical' to use toys? I think you've missed Shez's point entirely. Sex doesn't have to involve penetration to be intimate, close and loving! It's about sharing the experience, making an effort, being creative. He makes his wife come, they experiment, communicate, use toys, watch porn together... it's clear they have a very close, loving relationship.
Many modern couples use toys to enhance their sex-life... almost every woman I know has a collection of toys she uses with her partner. Not as a replacement for penetration/oral sex but to add variety, fun, different sensations. You can still touch, kiss, cuddle, connect mentally etc while using toys. Many couples also watch porn together and find it gets them in the mood.

And Shez is right, many women don't have orgasms at all, and many can't climax through penetration alone.

JohnF... you seem very judgemental and anti-men. I guess this thread has hit a raw nerve and you have a lot of pent-up resentment and sexual frustration.

TheJimmy... many men ARE bored with their wives sexually and don't find them sexually attractive any more. There's no point blaming anyone (or sugarcoating it by denying this is a common problem). Why do you think affairs and Viagra are so common?
With patience, understanding and creativity many couples still have a good sex-life despite this. I think the issue for OP and her husband is about communication problems more than anything. But has anyone considered her husband might feel so ashamed, embarassed and demasculated by his lack of desire that he genuinely struggles to talk about it?

Untouchable · 26/02/2015 10:45

Ha ha Many modern couples use toys , you do realise it was the Victorians that invented the vibrator don't you?

Why do you think affairs and Viagra are so common? So you think Viagra is dispensed to men that just don't fancy their wives? Thank God you are not a GP. Affairs have nothing to do with not fancying your partner either. I suggest some research.

Christinayang1 · 26/02/2015 10:52

Sukie if you read my comment you would realize that at the point I wrote it poster had not mentioned kissing or cuddling I also said FOR ME it sounds mechanical and distant and it does...perhaps you should try reading what people have actually said before jumping in

YOU are making assumptions and being judgmental based on jack shit

I suggest you re read original post and focus on the parts re bank account op can't access, phone she can't access, porn addiction and lack of affection...these are the issue that the rest of us are discussing..please try and keep up