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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

654 replies

MrsCs · 21/02/2015 23:16

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 23/02/2015 17:37

Oh Frank's post has been deleted. I will say in absentia, that I stand by what I said. If you disagree that's fine, but it's a question of judgement not of issues.

Twinklestein · 23/02/2015 17:43

slice He posted a comment by me from an old thread about an emotionally abusive alcoholic father's behaviour to his 7 year old daughter.

My view was perfectly reasonable, I think it was deleted because it was an old thread.

sliceofsoup · 23/02/2015 17:46

Glad it was deleted. Terrible forum etiquette.

I now have You raise me up in my head, so thanks for that Lweji.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/02/2015 17:53

It was just so completely irrelevant, Twinkle Confused it had no bearing on how good your relationship advice might be. Such a peculiar thing to do.

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 17:57

The sort of thing a controlling bully might do.

RedHairedGeek · 23/02/2015 17:59

I didn't read it but you always give very good advice twinklestein and you have a sense of humour with it. sorry if that sounds a bit fawny

Twinklestein · 23/02/2015 18:18

Fanks RedHairedGeek Blush

Totally irrelevant Chris, and didn't support Frank's claim I have 'issues', so pointless...

Lweji · 23/02/2015 19:39

90 percent of ALL unmarried couples with children breakup.. How many more LTB do we want, connected to that FACTUAL stat is that children from these relationships are exposed to poverty, abuse, alcohol addiction, affairs, etc,etc...
My DS (from a married relationship) was exposed to alcohol addiction and abuse within the marriage he came from.
Now he is mostly exposed to uncles and grandfather who treat their wives with love and respect.
Relationships don't offer any protection to children.
Many abusers come from supposedly stable relationships. My exH did. But there was (and there is) abuse within his parents' marriage.

My DS has learnt that abuse is not to be tolerated. So, I do hope that he has learnt through the break up of his parents' relationship not to be an abuser and to break the cycle that was maintained by his dad.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/02/2015 19:44

Not at all, Twinkle Confused it was just your view on something else. Not a cruel view or a selfish view. It's a puzzler.

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 20:48

for the record my son is being raised in a stable relationship - mine and his. i think personally all children should be 'exposed' to poverty and one of the best ways to avoid exposing them to abuse is to not stay in negative relationships out a sense of duty to 'make it work' for the sake of some statistic somewhere. as for alcohol addiction that happens to rich, poor, single, married, divorced etc so i'm not sure where that comes into things but again if you're worried about children being exposed to it then it may be another cause to say LTB if someone is trying to 'make it work' with an alcoholic who isn't dealing with their issues. affairs can't happen if you're single and come BEFORE you LTB so??? kind of arguing against yourself there -

stable relationships and homes come in all sorts of forms. there is no law that says that stability has to come from a man and a woman engaged in a sexual, romantic love relationship. my son and i have a relationship. i have relationships with friends and even animals that are stable and add value to mine and my son's life.

why would a shitty failed romantic relationship that has degenerated into misery and endless sniping and two potentially healthy people being stressed, miserable and resentful or sulky and silent and in survival mode be good for a child?

i really keep asking these things because i just don't get it. maybe there is something i'm missing?

incidentally there are plenty of married people who are dirt poor.

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 20:52

oh and the most stable relationship he is raised in is my relationship with myself and life. if i was busy lying to myself and being in denial or sticking my fingers in my ears and saying la la la to cope with the fact that, as an earlier poster implied, i was staying in a miserable relationship and frittering my life away because i was scared of providing for myself or that i might be lonely in my old age there would be ZERO stability in my son's life because there would be zero authenticity and integrity for him to rest in.

stability is based in truth, integrity and courage. children feel and breathe that stuff and so do we if we can bear to look in the mirror and face ourselves and have an actual honest thought or feeling.

no child deserves to be brought up in a web of lies and cowardice and half heartedness.

Lweji · 23/02/2015 20:58

Indeed, Badger.

iwashappy · 23/02/2015 22:39

HoneyBadger you talk a lot of sense in your posts. I totally agree that the best environment for a child is a happy one irrespective of the dynamics of the family. I'm quite old fashioned so I would rather a child grew up in a loving happy home with two married parents. But while that may be the ideal there are many reasons why that might not be possible to be the case. Therefore it is far better for a child to live with one parent and feel loved, secure and safe than to live with both parents in an atmosphere of tension and fear and think that a bad relationship is normal and acceptable.

BathtimeFunkster · 23/02/2015 22:49

my son is being raised in a stable relationship - mine and his.

:)

That is so lovely.

He is really lucky to have that with you. Many children don't have that with either of their parents.

I wonder do mine? I'm not sure I could confidently make that claim like you can. The presence of multiple siblings and two parents means that family life is busy and there is constant competition for attention.

I'm going to have to work on that.

sliceofsoup · 23/02/2015 22:54

I wonder do mine? I'm not sure I could confidently make that claim like you can.

I worry constantly whether I am stable enough for my daughters. Especially after having terrible PND. And I have ongoing self esteem issues, relating to my childhood and my relationship with my parents.

I hope I am. Confused

RedHairedGeek · 23/02/2015 23:21
Brew

Well being undermined in a shit relationship wouldn't make you any more stable that's for sure.

I suppose I struggle with a legacy of a shit relationship too. Feelings of being "on trial" come back to me. I paid some money a while ago and it was lost (not my fault) but I felt so on trial. It was ridiculous. Other people would just shrug and think well I paid so fuck this reminder letter. I took the reminder letter to heart like it was an attack on my character.

I'm happy, but I still 'over react' to some things that would be better dealt with by 'under' reacting.

Lweji · 23/02/2015 23:28

But the main thing is how you relate to your children.
Do they feel secure in you? Do they feel safe?
Do they feel they can count on you? That you are on their side?
That they can express their feelings and be respected?
That you would want them to understand your point of view rather than just obey?
That regardless of money to spend, they have your attention, enough of your available time?

Joysmum · 24/02/2015 02:54

I didn't read it but you always give very good advice twinklestein and you have a sense of humour with it. sorry if that sounds a bit fawny

Totally agree. I always read what you have to say Twinks may not always agree with you but I love the way you come across.

Bathtime I'm so glad whatever you reacted to was deleted because your dominatrix post is hilarious as a result Grin

TheHoneyBadger · 25/02/2015 08:50

sorry i didn't mean to imply that we have to be a perfect model of zen in order to have a stable relationship with our children! just to be being honest with ourselves and not under a constant barrier of denial and repression and therefore a million miles away from 'real' or available in meaningful ways.

i'm a total believer in it being ok to say to a child mummy is tired, or mummy is a bit stressed and overwhelmed at the minute and i know i'm being snappy or distracted or not much fun etc this week but once i've sorted out x, y and z it should be better etc.

a child doesn't need perfection just awareness and a bit of age appropriate honesty and reassurance itms.

Twinklestein · 25/02/2015 10:39

Joy - shank oo Blush Blush

IchBinEinNerd · 25/02/2015 11:05

there's a sad thread on here at the moment about a father who doesn't talk to his children, or, worse imo, he doesn't talk to two of his three children, so not only damaging his relationship with them irreparably but damaging their relationships with each other too.

the poster is askinng what to do. Seriously, I think she should get rid of him for the sake of her children. People can't see the wood for the trees! why would anybody want that man in their lives? ltb is the only SANE response even though some on mn would say that a pot of tea and a cucumber sandwich and a chat about how badly his behaviour makes the family feel, that ought to do it? right? wrong.

exhale.

krismint1 · 25/02/2015 11:49

I noticed that Frank stopped posting after his last post was deleted. I think the user was blocked from posting as so was I (my old nickname was krismint). I find it strange that Mumsnet which advocates for feminism and free speech blocks users. I think it's an ignorance to blame anyone with different opinion to be a troll.

PetulaGordino · 25/02/2015 11:51

MNHQ will have told you why you were blocked. it is highly unlikely to be due to a simple difference of opinion.

krismint1 · 25/02/2015 11:57

I haven't received any notifications on my email. I'm pretty sure I was using the right nickname and password. It is very disappointing and discrediting to see those things happening on the website who stands strongly for free speech and feminism.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 25/02/2015 11:58

What's feminism and free speech got to do with it? The rules are pretty lax here, if you don't follow them then you get banned Confused it's not complicated.