Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

Fuck you Chris and that horse is a fantastic name.

That is all.

Sliceofsoup...

I question the intelligence of some posters!

Why thank you weasel :)

Peasin, I hope it all calms down once things are easier for you. I find the problem with full on arguing is that you might say your piece, but it seems your less likely to be listening or listened to.

Peasin, I am curious, do you blame each other for the mortgage? Or maybe one blames the other more?

Gosh, Drew, aren't you delightful.

I question the intelligence of some posters!

Instead of that - why not just post your opinions ON THE ACTUAL THREAD IN QUESTION?

Then your intelligent creative ideas will flourish. No?

Slice- both our faults really. I hold bit of blame as he was very (overly IMO) cautious and took on fixed term 5 year so we have ended up paying far too much back in interest each month.

However, decision to move there both of us.

I just want to back to Joysmum's post, without derailing the thread, because I think her claim that this forum is good only for advice on abuse or infidelity but not ordinary relationship issues is not true, and a thread of hers she referred to is a case in point.

I was a full time student and DH had to adjust to working normal hours and taking on responsability for things at home as a result. I'm a martyr, he's a misogenist and I should get rid of our pets to give me more time to do most of the housework so he didn't have to according to that thread

I remember that thread and that is pretty much the opposite of the advice you were given. I don't recall anyone saying your husband was a misogynist, I said, as others did, that on the contrary - he seemed a decent guy, he'd listened to you and compromised.

We all advised you to get a cleaner as you were concerned about the housework, had a very full work schedule, and were pushing yourself very hard. You refused point blank to have a cleaner in the house. We suggested that your demand that your husband cut his working hours to spend more time doing housework was not wholly reasonable from his pov.

I think you were given good, balanced advice on that thread, but the only response you would accept was that your husband was totally out of line and he should do what you wanted.

So, no I don't agree that that this forum can't deal with run of the mill relationship issues, but posters don't always get told what they want to hear.

And have selective memories, evidently!

I can see why that would be annoying, but he probably signed into the 5 year with good intentions, and meant well.

It is very easy to let resentment build up when there are financial worries and a young child, as well as all the other stresses of life.

I also think you have put quite a lot of emphasis on your childhoods and parents' divorces. I really have no experience of divorce, but I would think a lot of people see divorce as a failure. And you do sound very afraid of failing in that way. Sometimes these things can become a self fulfilling prophecy. I think Relate is a really good idea, so you can talk through all these worries with someone who can advise you.

I agree

I think one of the reasons for this is that people usually come here to have a moan! They don't always describe the good side of the relationship etc because that's not the place they're in at the moment! They are really having a good old rant about all the negative stuff a) to vent, b) to get advice and c) Just to have a chat about their feelings and hear other stories.

For other readers, it can seem that there is nothing good, as the OP is talking about the bad stuff, so natural reaction is 'Bin him'.

I found that as well so now when I need to talk or vent, I try and balance it by also saying the good stuff.

You do get the 'man haters' here though.. easy to spot!

Again, have you any links to threads that someone has been told to leave their partner after just a moan?

And what does a 'man hater' look like on here? From my experiences, most people telling others to 'LTB' say 'there are good men out there, you don't need to be stuck with an abusive arsehole all your life'. Or somesuch.

Yes, I don't I've ever spotted a man hater on here. Most posters seem to be happily married and talk about how good men don't treat their partners like that.

It's terrible when you believe (as I once did) that a bad relationship is the norm. It's important that people are told that there are good men out there who don't behave like that.

*I don't think I've ever

There is a difference between having a moan, and thinking you are having a moan when actually you are lighting up the screen with red flags for actual abuse.

The problem is not "man haters" or bad advice. The problem is the sheer number of people who don't even realise they are in an abusive relationship.

Yeah, women who think men can be decent and kind are "man haters" and women who think men are all lazy, disrespectful slobs are the ones who really love men.

Although I guess in a way that figures, because if you think the right way to love a man is to subject yourself to his will and "work hard" tying yourself in knots to please him, then you are certainly very invested in pleasing men.

And also if you subconsciously accept that men are more important than women, then it's not OK to expect them to behave well, because that's just getting notions.

90 percent of ALL unmarried couples with children breakup.. How many more LTB do we want, connected to that FACTUAL stat is that children from these relationships are exposed to poverty, abuse, alcohol addiction, affairs, etc,etc... The cost of family breakdown to the UK economy is £60 billion..

Modern relationships are breeding abusers...

How many posters are aware that latent childhood feelings cause huge problems in marriage when expectations are not being met, how many people communicate their needs effectively, how many people deal with the challenges that just general day to day living brings, division of labour within the home, careers, employment, social life, friends, children, illness all these outside and internal influences can destroy marriages without being aware and mindful of their effects...

How many people learn how to be content instead of restless and searching endlessly striving for elusive happiness..

How many people make foolish choices, harbour ridiculous desires and fail to manage feelings which harm self esteem and lead to damaging habits and poor boundaries which in turn lead to testing the very functionality of the marriage..

Practical advice on how deal with abuse is very good but day to day management of conflicts within marriage is very poor and any assertion otherwise is met with derisory comments and foul and abusive language as seen by a handful of posters, some people just can't help themselves..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2313526-At-my-wits-end-re-fianc-and-housework-long-sorry is a case in point - 17 pages of varying views and very well thought out responses. some advice, some suggestions of how to make it better together. some saying it wont get better consider splitting. but it is really not just LTB.

but it may well be helping the op to make her own decision. one way or the other.

You don't need permission to 'rise up' but just rising up for no reason just because you see everything as some sort of sexism is ridiculous. It's like an ethnic minority rising up and perceiving everything as racism.

It may not undermine your credibility but it does hurt the credibility if feminism. Many women are turning away from the idea that feminism means seeing everything as a male vs female, women rising up for everything and anything, women always being in the right, etc, etc.

Frankbough, with that 90% stats, is it your view that women have been entirely the innocent party? We can do no wrong? Some man is always responsible for our unhappiness?

I've been thinking about this man-hater thing, as I assume I'm one of them.

The only man-hating comments I've ever seen here are of the variety "Men like the chase, they dump you if you put out" and "Men just don't see dirt." Disparaging generalisations like this are sexist. Most Relationships posters will point out that men come in as many flavours as women and do not suffer any generic inability to act like reasonable human beings.

I'm one of the posters who sometimes talk about things like 'male entitlement'. It's shorthand for feeling that men have automatic privileges over women, and is a real phenomenon that everyone would recognise in life. They might not be familiar with the shorthand.

Other than that, my posts could only be perceived as man-hating IF the commentator takes the view that men deserve automatic privilege, and therefore should not be expected to treat women with respect & consideration.

Anyone who believes that can call me all the names they like in retaliation - they're a misogynist cunt so their opinion doesn't matter.

Fucking hell frank. You have given me a lightbulb moment.

I should have thought of the statistics before I left my physically, emotionally and financially abusive ex. I should have taken him back on his mothers say so after he threatened to glass me, because we don't want the stats to get higher.

Many women are turning away from the idea that feminism means seeing everything as a male vs female, women rising up for everything and anything, women always being in the right, etc, etc.

Well, yeah, they are. Feminism's certainly "turning away" from that idea, since feminism never had such an ideal in the first place.

and

How many more LTB do we want

Honestly?

As many as are needed so that people are not in relationships that they do not wish to be in any more. Being in a relationship is NOT the default. Being in a bad relationship should not cause either party to say because of shame. Or indeed because of the stats.

Yes, that relationship failed because of my inability to be content with a prick for a partner.

I have heard it all now.