Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

slaps hand

Weasel why on earth do you think LTB can't apply to woman? I find your suggestion really horrible.

Children can be damaged by all sorts of things. Growing up in abusive and dysfunctional relationships is right up there as guaranteed to screw up the dcs.

Get back to work!

I've got to stop posting on here!

Op, I hate that you started this thread because I hate these threads (bet you couldn't guess that :o ) and they always pop up. But I'm glad you are looking at things in a different way as a result of this :)

I think its probably divorces that set counselling in motion for the people that need it, and otherwise the children would stagnate in a shitty situation with no outlet at all. If a marriage or relationship has to break up then surely it isn't the divorce that created a need for counselling, but the relationship itself.

The way that separation and divorce is handled is also a big factor, and my guess is that divorce in a situation where one parent was abusive will be more stressful for all concerned, than an amicable split. But again, that's not divorce itself, its the abusive twat in the relationship. Abuse doesn't magically stop.

I am still verbally and emotionally abused by my ex. The last "incident" was on Saturday, and we have been separated for 6 years.

My marriage is hard work.
We took on a too big mortgage.
My DP has a very long hours/stressful job.
We have a 1 year old baby.
Part of the reason it is hard work is because I am hard work – hugely stubborn & sensitive , and every relationship I’ve been has involved arguments.
We are no different, we are both strong willed, outgoing, feisty people. We also both have deep rooted issues with our own childhoods/up brings that means we are very sensitive about specific things.

It is hard work at times. Leaving is not a positive alternative.

We argue, too often if Im honest. At the end of the day he is a good man, faithful, loyal, kind, does a decent share of housework, is a lovely dad to DS and can be incredibly sweet and romantic. When we have had another horrible augment over the silliest thing, I wonder about life without him. Leaving/ending our 4 year marriage with a 1 year old would be far far worse, negative and I know I’d regret it in an instant. “leave him” is such a simple statement but so so complicated- more so when you have young children & a mortgage. Slowly, we are getting there. We are still learning and understanding each other. When we sell current house and move into a bigger/further out house with more ££ each month and more space, I feel this will be hugely beneficial to our relationship.

To those so happy and content they don’t get the "hard work" element, you are very very unique, I barely anyone I know says it’s all sunshine/ no work. I'd also assume you or your partner (or both) must be chilled/placid/calm- even shy, introvert (in some cases) types of people. When you get 2 outgoing, intelligent, passionate people you will get arguments. You may be so happy in your calm relationship but I don’t think you appreciate just because you relationship isn't hard work, don’t cast all that are as instantly inferior- when different personalities/situations/backgrounds/characteristics mean all relationships are vastly different to one another.

Id actually find a relationship that wasn’t at all hard work pretty boring, arguments and passion can be great (admittedly we do too often). Your calm, argument-less, work-less state is not the ultimate goal for all of us, bear in mind.

Slice that's why all my contact is now done through a third party. It's amazing how polite his messages are when he knows they're being read by someone else.

We have arguments about petty things when life is difficult. We both know that is caused by stress. our relationship still isn't hard work.
I do take your point though that if you had difficult childhood, you have to learn how to have a good relationship.
I don't think it is about being placed and calm. Both myself and my partner have parents in very long happy marriages. I think you learn through this how to have a good relationship, without even realising. And that means it is not hard work.

But we don't argue, we discuss, we disagree, we compromise. We don't scream and shout at each other, we don't call each other names.

We are not shrinking violets. We are passionate and intelligent. We have completely different backgrounds.

We've had really tough times, but we've pulled together. If I'm tired and snap (which I think is human) then he asks what's wrong and I immediately apologise, and we talk, or I say I need some time.

It's all constant give and take, but we both give and take equally.

It's not hard. It comes naturally.

Peasin

Most of your difficult situation is external factors. And you might find the "horrible arguments" passionate and exciting. That is your prerogative. But I have to disagree. I have a relative who is in a relationship that sounds similar to yours, and let me tell you, the passionate arguments have fucked their kids up. Their eldest has attempted suicide twice, and ran away during one argument, they couldn't find him for a few hours, they actually didn't even realise he was gone for the first hour because they were so wrapped up in their row.

I know you will never take my opinion on board, so I will leave it here. But I hope one day you catch yourself on for the sake of your child.

All too often I see LTB advice and in about half of the cases this advice is not helpful.

So for those that have ever given LTB advice please consider this :-

Let's not forget, you are giving potentially life changing advice based on text in an internet forum. Sure, sometimes there is alot of information but you are not meeting with the person face to face.
It's very easy to dish out the advice by pressing a few keys on a computer as it is very easy to mislead/give the wrong impression when typing out your problems to a group of people who you don't know.
Admittedly, you don't have to take any advice given to you, least of all on an internet forum.

There are also a few posters who come across as very anti men and would advise others to LTB because DH had not coverd his mouth when he coughed.

So please...before you type those dreaded three letters...think!
You are giving advice to, sometimes, vunerable, easily influenced people and they may well take your advice seriously when talking to your partner may have been a better solution.

Just an observation...
We live in a throw away society now and imo this does manifest it's self in personal matters too. We are all too willing to throw away relationships that don't work as well as other items. In the vast majority of cases it is better to fix things rather than throw them away.

You can have a passionate relationship that doesn't involve constant rows.

Being secure and happy is not at all boring.

Especially not for children, who don't tend to thrive on conflict, even if their parents enjoy it.

I can't imagine many people would suggest you leave a relationship with a good, decent man you love. Having a 1 year old is enough to drive most people to distraction. Put financial stress on top of that and life will be fraught and people will be stressed and probe to rowing.

But boasting about too frequent rowing as though is is some indication of intelligence or deeper love is just bizarre.

DTB was me being provocative but I don't want to add to the civil war.....LTB seemed to me to anti men but as some have said, it also could apply to women. It never occurred to me.

My toast has popped up and I will just say that I think this is a fantastic site that I accidentally stumbled across. Having shown my wife she also posts now, although never in relationships.

Oh and my views of divorce and damaged kids is gained from first hand experience and I won't be persuaded otherwise. Agreed an abusive relationship also damages children.

After my toast I am off to the tip, to the post office, and to do the washing.

I am a retired man with too much time on my hands!

All you readers have a nice day.

On this question, I'm with the "relationships can be hard work" people.

Especially the Xmas holidays, God...Do they not go on forever? ;)

Slice- I realise this, completely. We are close to going to Relate- or similaras I don't want him to remember and witness this growing up, as we both did with our parents.

Lucy- Both myself and my partner have parents in very long happy marriages. I think you learn through this how to have a good relationship, without even realising.
Lucky you. Unfortunately we both have divorced parents and rather messed up childhoods. I will do everything in my power to change this now so DS wont grow up like we did.

And I think its quite clear from this thread that I ain't no shrinking violet. :o

DH and I have arguments, we can both be stubborn. We both have toxic families and difficult pasts. But we are never nasty, we never name call. I don't think I could describe our arguments as horrible, and the second I could call them that I would be gone.

Drew could you link to a thread where someone has been told to LTB for no reason? I'd be fascinated to see how many said it and what their reasons were. Thanks

Weasel, "although never in Relationships", that you know of! :o

We are all too willing to throw away relationships that don't work

We should be willing to end relationships that aren't working and can't be made to work.

That doesn't have to involve "throwing away".

Some bad relationships do need to be discarded. But others have the potential to turn into positive co-parenting relationships.

I hope that Relate works for you Peasin. A lot of people on here recommend it so I think it must be helpful to lots of people.

Drew, your post insults the intelligence of the posters on this site.

Peasin, relate can be brilliant at helping sort communication issues. It's a neutral space where you can explain your side, and your DP can explain his, and the counsellor can nudge you both along. Financial stresses are so difficult to deal with. Relate is definitely not just for failing relationships. It can be great at just ironing over the hard bits :)

Slice is it even worth addressing? "I threw away my 15 year marriage, went through divorce, finding a new home, etc etc. It never occurred to me to just talk to him! Oh I'm such an idiot!"

There are also a few posters who come across as very anti men and would advise others to LTB because DH had not coverd his mouth when he coughed.

Unless you can actually show us any of this - this is all in your head.

Lucky you. Unfortunately we both have divorced parents and rather messed up childhoods.

Us too. And yes we have a nice happy non aggressive relationship. No need for the snarkiness is there?

We are all too willing to throw away relationships that don't work as well as other items.

If a relationship doesn't work - then it really should be thrown away.

Thanks Fyou...hoping so! Money worries are a huge cause of stress, tension and our arguments. But our fault- as said wanted to live in a top area so took a ridiculous mortgage. Never again!!