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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

654 replies

MrsCs · 21/02/2015 23:16

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

OP posts:
GallicIsCharlie · 23/02/2015 13:03

Tut tut, slice. You have failed in your duty as a martyr to the cause of changing a statistic.

I hope you're suitably ashamed.

Newrule · 23/02/2015 13:06

This thread proves so much Grin. OP thanks for starting. I think if the thread continues we will all simply go round the bushes a million times.

G'day all.

DeliciousMonster · 23/02/2015 13:07

It's like an ethnic minority rising up and perceiving everything as racism.

Most of the time, it actually IS racism. And the only good racist is a dead one IMHO.

sliceofsoup · 23/02/2015 13:08

I am. I am ashamed that I let notions get the better of me.

GallicIsCharlie · 23/02/2015 13:09

Oooh, NOTIONS Shock You wanna watch out for those notions, slice. They could give you ideas above your station.

Newrule · 23/02/2015 13:09

90%, 99% of the time it is racism?

Slice, so your case proves that in this 90% women are never at fault? Goodness me!

Newrule · 23/02/2015 13:11

It's hard to take you guys seriously Grin

GallicIsCharlie · 23/02/2015 13:13

I am slow on the uptake today ... I've only just realised that "rising up" implies the existence of an oppressed state.

So anyone who disapproves of 'rising up' must prefer the people in the 'down' position to stay oppressed.

I'm proud to disagree with that.

sliceofsoup · 23/02/2015 13:14

No I think the stats prove that 90% of relationships fail. Which is what they claim to prove. My case proves that my ex is a prick. There's really nothing more being proven.

Men are at fault. Women are at fault. Both are abused. Both abuse. We already addressed the whole women/men issue back around page 11 or 12 I think.

BathtimeFunkster · 23/02/2015 13:20

Yes, that relationship failed because of my inability to be content with a prick for a partner.

Lightbulb!

There is a lot of truth to this.

If you think that relationship success = longevity, then your unwillingness to tolerate abuse was the thing that made it fail.

Your abusive partner didn't want the relationship to end. He was happy to carry on having someone to push around.

So you are responsible for the failure of that relationship to endure.

If you think (as I, and many other Relationships posters, believe) that relationship success = happiness of both partners, then you will see a long term relationship as a failure if either party is unhappy for a significant part of it.

Corollaries are that are that

1 there is no good reason to stay in a failed relationship

2 the failure of the relationship is not down to the person who decided to end it, but to the person (or people) who made the relationship one where someone (or both) was unhappy

Newrule · 23/02/2015 13:20

Okay Slice. The thread is moving so fast I haven't been able to read every page in detail. I do not disagree with your last post.

Gallic by all means 'rise up'. For good reason and for no reason. Whether you are being oppressed or the oppressor. Whether there is any oppresson at all - no oppressed or oppressor. Whether right or wrong, whatever the case may be, just rise up.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/02/2015 13:23

I didn't leave my marriage because of some feminist principal Confused I didn't leave it because of a "cause" or because women in general shouldn't be in relationships Confused

I left my marriage because my XH was abusive.

Who breaks up their own individual relationship for anything other than personal reasons?

I am also a terrible man hater. I think men are brilliant. I think they can be fantastic parents, they are no better or worse than me at housework or cooking or DIY. They're all individuals working to their own strengths and weaknesses, just like me. And I will never think that a man is incapable of being as thoughtful and caring as a woman.

The vast majority of men are great. Some are bastards and should be left(just as some women are bastards too), and some are incompatible with me, even though they're decent, and I shouldn't be with them.

I hate people who belittle men with the "oh he wouldn't know a washing machine from a dishwasher"

sliceofsoup · 23/02/2015 13:27

I have had ideas above my station since I could talk. Made my mother very uncomfortable.

This thread is making me think she was uncomfortable because I challenged her idea of where women should stand in society. Or something.

:o this thread is sending me a bit batty now.

BathtimeFunkster · 23/02/2015 13:29

The person banging on incoherently about "rising up" thinks it's hard to take us seriously?! Grin

Dude, the zombie apocalypse thread is in Chat.

(And you totally wouldn't survive Grin )

Newrule · 23/02/2015 13:32

LOL Bath. You are such an angry person. Yes, it is impossible to take you seriously. Grin. Is that incoherent enough for you? Is there going to be a 'rising up' from you now?

sliceofsoup · 23/02/2015 13:32

Every time I read "rise up" I get an image in my head of all the women floating mysteriously two feet off the ground and the men running around trying to figure out what it means and what should be done.

Never mind me.

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 13:43

what IS it about being in a relationship or 'staying together' that is SO holy that all this hard work and ups and downs and putting up with it and having to get really creative about ways to keep it together when you're miserable is worth it? Confused

genuine question.

why shouldn't people say, why are you together?

it's a rational question surely?

before giving someone solutions as to how to keep carrying something very heavy that is giving them a back ache you first check if there is at least a good reason why they're lugging it around and can't just put it down and walk freely?

clearly my perspective may be a little 'different' because i've never ended up bowing to the altar of marriage or life partnership and will turn 40 this year.

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 13:45

perhaps we could install all new born females with extra gravity devices so it's easier to make them stay put and not rise up so easily?

TheHoneyBadger · 23/02/2015 13:46

no literal wings to clip so we could just encase their feet in cement?

Twinklestein · 23/02/2015 13:48

These pesky minorities taking things as racism or sexism when it's just a bit of banter. Rising up when they should know their place.

Don't rise up for no reason, and if you want to know if your reason is valid, you'll have to ask Newrule.

sassandfaff · 23/02/2015 13:57

Spent all morning reading this thread. Had a rollercoaster of emotions, from disbelief, sadness and even anger, and then I read this;

The person banging on incoherently about "rising up" thinks it's hard to take us seriously?! Grin

Dude, the zombie apocalypse thread is in Chat.

(And you totally wouldn't survive Grin )

And nearly wet myself laughing.

I fecking LOVE mumsnet

BathtimeFunkster · 23/02/2015 13:58

Grin TheHoney

Newrule · 23/02/2015 13:58

Yes, please ask me about the validity of your reasons for rising up. Feet encased in concrete sounds like an attractive option.

frankbough · 23/02/2015 13:59

You chose him Slice, unfortunately lots of people are making foolish choices,"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me".

Take responsibility for your own actions and choices, alternatively you could just rant on about how he was a PRICK etc... And stop with the solipsism..
How do you know what a good solid marriage is like if all you have is a negative experience.. Yet posters such as yourself want to give out marriage advice and yet not be accountable when your own negativity and trust in relationships spills over..

Personally I think men and women especially when married share a common purpose which means subordination and cooperation is interchangeable according to each situation.. But a lot of people fear submission in relationships because it has been abused..

Twinklestein · 23/02/2015 14:00

It's rather ironic that Frankbough quotes the 90% of unmarried couples break up, when the almost universal advice here to unmarried women with children is to protect themselves legally and financially by marrying their partner.

How many threads are there here by OPs who want to get married and the partner doesn't? I've seen many. I've never seen it the other way round - not saying it doesn't happen, but it's not common.

With regard to stats on couples breaking up, it's worth noting that 40% of fathers lose touch with their children within a couple of years of family breakdown.

So of those 90% of unmarried couples who split, 40% of those fathers will not stay in touch with the children. Some of them won't contribute financially either.