Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Use that anger to take action. Make some calls to get some legal advice tomorrow

Hanith, agree with AF Use that anger to propel you on.

Tomorrow, our aim can be to make those phone calls. Are you with me?

I am whatthe, I promise.

Can't lie though, I am terrified. He currently thinks I am back in my place, I even got a small shoulder rub earlier. It left me cold. He has no idea whatsoever what I am planning.

Goodbetterbest, thankyou for sharing. So happy for you that you can breathe again. I am hoping this will be be me one day xx

does he know you use MN, Hanith ?

He knows I view here, I don't think he thinks I post. Having said this I am now worried he might check up on me and my username would be one he would recognise. Paranoid now.

Fuck this bastard. Fuck him.

Hugs and flowers to you xxxxxxxxxxx

Hanith, can you lock your computer/tablet/phone with a password or something? And make sure you clear your history when you shut down your internet - you can change settings to make that happen automatically.

If he will recognise your name then either change it or get MNHQ to delete this if you don't want to risk him finding it.

Listen to thumbwitch. You certainly do not want him seeing the sort of discussions you are having here.

They are perfectly justified, btw. What I mean is, you need a space for support that is completely yours and you don't want him having prior knowledge of any plans you may have

OP, if you report your opening post to HQ, they can do one of two things

1. change your name retrospectively on all your posts to one that is more anonymised for you

2. move this whole thread to an area that is not googlable but if he uses your log he would still find it

Maybe email HQ and ask their advice ?

log in

Moving it to the non-googleable place doesn't work though, remember - you have to start threads in there. Once they've been started elsewhere, the tracking thing is already attached to them and they can still be found by googling (not exactly technically accurate but the point is still there!)

If you want to PM any of us to let us know if/when you start a new thread/namechange, then please do - I'm happy to receive a PM from you.

Hanith, how are you today?

The shoulder rub made me shudder. My STBXP was so nice to me last night, but this time I was viewing it with different eyes, I was not manipulated this time.

I called women's aid just now, and they will be calling me back today at some point. I am at work so I have the privacy I need.

I told my friend at work and spend about an hour crying on her shoulder. Having the support of friends has been such a help.

I hope you are ok xx

Hi Whatthe ((hugs)) XX I am ok, I think. he has gone to work today and I am home. Had a long chat with my adult daughter earlier, she has known things have been bad too, she has also noted that my youngest (her baby sister) is being subjected to some of the shit too. She works, has quite a lot of savings and has basically said, lets get a place we can afford together, so I am looking now and trying to set up a couple of viewings for Thursday (when she is on a day off)

Had to go into work earlier, had another long talk with my manager, who has been absolutely lovely btw and the only person outside of home I have been able to talk to. Needed to sort through the practicalities of my world load which will need redistributing for a short time. I am taking a bit of time out for now and I think my job is safe (I'm reaching the end of of my probation period so this is all seriously wrong timing-wise) but hey ho, if it isn't then I can get another. I cant think about work just right now.

Have a work based employment support programme which I am going to tap into in a bit, they offer legal advice/counselling/the works. I feel I am going to need this soon. For now I am just planning on getting the F out of here. The last thing I want him to think is that I went out of my way to take him to the cleaners. He can keep his house. I don't want anything of his.

It funny because thinking of that triggered a memory, a long time ago; when we were first talking about moving in together, he sent me an email about keeping his stuff and I said I would never want anything of his, it was just him I wanted. He said he printed this off as evidence in case we ever split up. WTF!

I am pissed off that yesterday I said we needed a bit of space for a while (and possibly more counselling while we are seperated) he didn't even think to offer to go. Instead he is happy that I have to uproot myself and my girls yet again. He doesn't know how mad I am about this :(

So he doesn't give a fuck about me and my feelings, and he doesn't give a fuck that a little girl is going to be upset and unsettled all over again, after we promised her, no more moves

I'm glad you have friends you can offload to. I am also glad my manager has been totally lovely, really feel I can talk to her so that's a bonus. Plus I have my lovely oldest daughter who is just worried about her mum and sister and will do everything to help.

As you can see, I have name changed to something random and reported this thread for a hopeful name change, rather than a delete (fingers crossed)

Here's a really stupid thing, I need to call estate agents to make appointments to see some places on Thursday and don't know which phone to use. My mobile contract is in his name, he gets all the statements for it so can easily check up on my phone usage. I didn't realise how controlled I actually am.

*work load, not world load!

Its great that you have your manager on side. I am thinking I may have to tell my manager too, as I think the next couple of weeks may be tearful and I will need to take calls etc (like speaking to womens aid today). Brilliant that you have support at work in the form of counselling etc - take advantage!

How wonderful of your daughter. Sounds like you have a great plan formulating. I am positive your younger daughter will thank you (in the long run at least) for moving away from this man. Do not worry about uprooting her again - the alternative of staying is FAR worse / damaging.

I agree - he doesn't give a fuck. I know its hard to hear, but if he is anything like my STBXP he will not give a fuck about anyone or anything but himself and his comfort and own welfare. Please, please get away from this man.

Can you call the estate agents from work?

Whatthe, I have just called from my mobile, fuck it, I don't care if he finds out anymore!

Have set up viewings for two places in Thursday, they are really close to my little ones school so she will be able to walk there

Definitely talk to your manager, if you get on ok with her. really helps to explain why you might be under performing at work at least XXX

Glad to hear it.

Just keep imagining the end goal. That is what I am trying to do. Its hard isn't it.

You and your two lovely daughters living in calm and harmony. Just imagine.

I have just emailed my boss to tell him the score...

I hope your boss is supportive whatthe (sorry for calling him a she earlier!)

I will be imagining that calm, I hope you are too, you and your precious little man and your lovely Mum. Im handholding with you lovely lady XXXX

I know he will be, he is a really good guy and have become friends over the last year. My team at work are amazing, I feel valued and liked (loved, even) and accepted.

Thanks for the handhold, right back at you. We are good people, we need to remember that. None of this is our fault xxx

According - get a new phone, one that is PAYG if you don't want to take out a new contract. There is no need for you to continue to use the one that is in his name except to talk to him. Chances are that when you leave, he will pull the plug on nit anyway, so you might as well get ahead of the game!

So glad you have a great and understanding boss and your older DD sounds lovely too - you have great support! This should be relatively easy for you, and I am SURE that your youngest DD will feel LOADS better when she is no longer subject to his bullying EA tactics, whether she feels "uprooted" again or not.

Really excellent progress you've made in such a short time - hurrah!

yep, great progress

Thank you Thumbwitch. I do feel lucky a little bit. I do need to move this on very quickly though as I do want and need a job to go back to, and I do love my job mostly but it can be overloaded sometimes and I find it hard to cope, especially so when things at home have not been brilliant!

my oldest girl is an absolute pleasure, I feel gifted to have her in my life

I'm sure you can take some credit for her being the way she is, According! :)

You'll have more energy and "zing" for life in no time once you've left ol' sulkychops behind, you know.