Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

I'm so pleased to hear dd is so settled so quickly. That's fantastic news :)

Its certainly one less worry isn't it

Hi Steve,

I've namechanged that often, I hope you know who I am!

Just wanted to say hi, really. And glad to see you are getting on with life, and that DD is loving her new home.

Hallo whatthe how is everything going for you these days?

I have no idea what stage H is in right now but we exchanged a few texts last night that have upset me, mostly from him indicating that he is planning on moving back to London area in about a year or so, he has asked me if I would move back there if he left. I have said no, not really. My oldest DD definitely doesn't want to and to be fair, I'm pretty sure my youngest wouldn't want to either as the house we are in is a lot closer to her school. As far as I am concerned we are here for the duration of my youngests education now and that's that.

I am going to be honest and say this exchange has really upset me and I was a bit teary last night. There is no fight for me there at all. This is what hurts the most. I know I am being stupid, my sensible head say that's great he is not guilt tripping or putting pressure on or anything, you can move on and mend yourself a lot easier. My emotional head is fucking GUTTED, he really does not seem to care that much about our break up and is now eluding to moving away.

Also in our exchange he asked me not to say anything to anyone yet about our break up as his sister is due to give birth imminently. I wasn't planning on shouting it from the rooftops any time soon anyway as I am still licking my wounds. Dealing with the fall out from family/in laws is going to be horrible and I need to be ready for it.

Sorry for my pity party.

Just realised my last post was not that clear. He asked me if I would move back to the house he owned if he left here to go back to London.

Sorry!

Steve, be careful. He's trying to upset you and push you to "face up to the reality of it being permanent". He has no reason to ask these questions now. He's trying to get a reaction. Combine that with him not having told his family and asking you not to, and it suggests he thinks this will push you into reconsidering.

The more people know, the more real it is. There's no reason not to tell his family just because a baby is due soonish that's just an excuse. He's hoping you will back down if he threatens to withdraw completely and he won't ever have to tell anyone.

A year is a very long time away.

What fuckyouchris said

he is trying to manipulate you

the only reason he doesn't want his family to know you are split is because he still expects they may never need to know

Thank you Chris I am being careful I promise. He should have faced up to the reality of it being permanent when we walked out of that door. I guess he is reaching that stage now.

I am not at all close to my parents. I hardly speak to my mum and my Dad is absent for a lot of the time living in Spain for most of the year. he is due back around this time though so he will know soon. To be honest I don't actually give a shit about how either of them feel or think about this when they know. I feel very differently about my in laws though.

Am happy to leave it how he wants it to be, cannot honestly see how much easier it is going to be to take the news, pre or post birth.

X Posted AF, Yes.. I know.

I think he is finally realising the totality of this whole situation.

As Chris and AF have said, he's trying to get you to think about him moving to London and is hoping that it might manipulate you to reconsider.

You've moved into your lovely new place, you've taken your rings off, you have told him again that it is over, your DD is coping well, you might be getting a new cat. You are moving on and doing so, so well and he doesn't like it. So he's trying to make you think you will hardly see him if he moves away and hoping that you will think that there won't be a chance to get back together if he's moved away. There is no other reason for him to tell you that he might move to London in a year or so. It's vague and a long way off - he just wants you to think about that happening.

I totally understand how you feel by saying you are upset that he seems not to be showing any fight for you. I felt exactly the same and still do after such a long time together I felt he didn't care and that he should have done. That if I'd ever meant anything he would have thought harder.

But such feelings are natural and because the relationship meant something to you and it didn't pan out the way you hoped and believed it would. It is part of the natural process of splitting up and it will still hurt. But you are doing fantastically well and have made the right decision. However, much he cared for and loved you he didn't care enough to treat you well and respect you. I hope that doesn't upset you, but I found the blunter posts more helpful sometimes when I was having a wobble. That is also a reflection on him as a person and nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.

Did you wish you were still together when he ruined what you had planned for your baby girl cat? No, you didn't. Re-read your OP and tell yourself that he is not worth your tears, because he really isn't sweetheart. xx

fought harder, not thought

Hmm, is he trying to get you to move back in so he can announce that actually, he's not going to London after all once you're in?

iwas awesome post, spot on....thank you lovely XX

I am with you on the "wishing and hoping"

I wish he had truly loved me, he didn't really, if he had he would not have treated me or my baby girl that way for so long.

I'd hoped that he would have made some effort, preferably before we left, to PROVE or SHOW he really didn't want us to leave. As it stands, he just turned up on the day to sit there. Was this because he wanted to make sure we left?

His behaviour since we left has been so flat, empty and disinterested.

I find it difficult to process all of this as we have not had any time to sit together and analyse it since I left. I have not wanted to, part of me thinks maybe we should have had at least ONE session in "the boxing ring" if that makes sense?

lizzy my lovely, there is no way I would ever go back.

I await the next chapter of this truly awful book...

I am sure he does love you, but in the only way he can and not in a way that brings you happiness. There is something in his personality that will never change that does not equate to loving, caring and respecting someone enough to treat them well.

He hasn't stepped up and made the effort to show you that he cares because he isn't the man that you thought he was. The man that he portrayed himself as at the start of your relationship is not who he is now and that man is not going to reappear. The man you see now is him. He may be flat, empty and disinterested because he didn't expect you to leave and mean it. He was lucky to have you and he has lost you.

I had plenty of long talks with my ex-DH when I found he was cheating and I still find it difficult to process what happened. Talking doesn't necessarily produce answers, but will produce plenty of excuses. Sometimes it helps to talk, sometimes it breaks your heart even more.

You tried to talk to him plenty of times before you did leave and it didn't change anything. What I am saying is that you could talk to him and it might help in some ways but you won't come away in all probability thinking that you now understand. You will still be analysing and still processing your thoughts. I do understand the need to talk, I still would like to do that myself if he wasn't being such an idiot but it doesn't bring resolution most of the time.

Your next chapter will be your lovely new cat. xx I want pictures too!

What iwas says :)

you have come so very far.

After a long time of high emotion, anger, sadness, disappointment, when things settle down, it is possible to just feel a bit... Flat.

It's really important at this point not to base your worth on how hard he is fighting (and don't mistake him, he is fighting, but he's trying to do it in a way that means you'd take him back as he was, not as you need him to be). You are worth so much more than him.

I can't recall if you're seeing a counsellor or not, it would help to see someone to boost your esteem and make sure you know how great you are!

Look at how much you have achieved in such a short time! It's incredible. Be proud :o

I'm not defending him, but a thought about a lot of men in general. Men seem to have a way of 'compartmentalizing' their feelings more easily than we women do. I've seen my own husband (during our 'dark days') act as if nothing I said or did meant a damn thing to him. As if I could have fallen off the face of the earth and he'd barely notice. It was devastating. And it was all a front. Inside he was dying at the thought of losing me, but he could shove it all in a mental box and carry on.

I'm not saying that is necessarily so for your H, Steve, but don't automatically assume he feels nothing. This doesn't mean that you should take him back or feel sorry for him. Not at all. Just don't think that you mean nothing to him or that losing you isn't hurting. It's just not hurting enough for him to do anything about it.

I wouldn't go out of my way to tell his family anything, but I certainly wouldn't lie for him if asked. And unless his sister is having a high risk pregnancy or has emotional problems, the news of her brother's separation certainly isn't going to send her into labour! Yes, it will make her sad, I'm sure, but it isn't going to 'spoil' the joy of new motherhood. His asking this of you is just another way to keep you tied to him, doing what he wants you to do.

How are things for you at the moment? x

Just a little bump, it is one year today since I started this thread! it's now fast approaching the anniversary of the day I left him.

I am still living in my little bungalow of dreams, have taken a long long time to lick my wounds, still licking them in fact! Had some counselling thanks to work, they have continued to be supportive of me

He did not even once say "sorry" or even attempt to patch things up between us, apart from sending me some flowers at work with song lyrics on them six months after I left. Other than this, the only contact I have with him is usually passive aggressive/blatantly aggressive emails from him to me. I can ignore those if I want to and I do mostly.

So one year on, I was broken this time last year, today I am not. Slowly getting back to who I was once more and enjoying being "me" again. My youngest is still seeing him, as and when she wants to. She seems to have forgotten what an absolute twat he was last year and feels he has "changed" I leave it up to her and say as little as possible (except to mitigate any untruths)

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who was there for me on 21st Feb 2015 and pushed me to do what I desperately needed to back then!

Hindsight is great isnt it Iam

Wasn't on your original thread According but so lovely to read your update. Well done for carving out a happy new life for you and your DD. Hopefully she will see the real him when she gets a bit older.

Sparkle thanks and Yes me too, at the moment and mostly since we have been gone he has suddenly become the best "Disney Dad" there ever was! Little girls are easy to fool though aren't they, sometimes grown women too (when our boundaries are non-existent)