Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Steve, I'm so sorry today was so rubbish :( he's an idiot.

You are allowed to say, "actually, given your behaviour on Saturday, if that's your idea of making an effort, it is over and there is no point in counselling."

How dare he comment on how you spend your money

How dare he plead poverty one week and then spend a fortune on a PS4 the next

How dare he upset you when you were trying to share saying goodbye to your cat

At what point are you going to tell him he's blown it? Because he's doing nothing he needs to. I honestly think he has it in his head that all he has to do is get you to counselling and between him and the counsellor they will persuade you to go back to him.

He really is a horrible man.

for you. They're not roses, sorry.

You can sort out some set times for contact and some flexible times. It sounds like dd wouldn't let him get away with messing her around either way :)

Soooo, The 'Mr Nice Guy' routine is wearing thin on him then. Mr Not-So-Nice Guy (the real him) is starting to emerge. The problem with that shit is that even if you don't want to reconcile, there's still part of you that hopes Mr NG will stick around, simply because it will make life, co-parenting, etc so much more pleasant. And so you hope…..and then when Mr NG realizes that either it's not working OR he can't 'hold the pose' any longer, Mr NSN G emerges. And it always seems to be right at the point where your inner defenses have relaxed a bit and you've started to 'believe'. Sucks. But hey ho, not like you haven't seen the 'real him', right?

As far as Relate goes, isn't it basically for people who want to stay together? If so, and if you've made up your mind you're done, you're going to have to talk to the counselor (alone) and let them know your feelings and that you want them to help you help H to accept it. I also think it would be very hard on you if the counselor didn't know as you'd be 'swimming upstream' as it were, with both of them thinking you were 'on board' with reconciliation. I don't know, I think I'd feel a lot of pressure in that situation.

Well I suppose it has focused your thinking and he has confirmed that yes he does indeed behave like an arsehole

chris I don't know. I am so disappointed in today, my last chance to do something for my baby but he just took over the whole thing, made me feel like shit. I felt like nothing more than a bloody glorified taxi for him.

I can say one thing right now, I am NOT going to counselling with him. Not now.

I need to garner the strength now to tell him it is over. I've still been wearing my wedding and engagement rings, they have been feeling uncomfortable on my fingers recently. I remember when we first got engaged, I was so so proud of my beautiful ring back then.

The wierd thing about this is, it's not the telling him that I fear the most. It's the fall out from friends and family. I honestly don't care about my own family's views. My dad and his wife will have loads to gossip about I suppose! However, I genuinely love my in laws and hope I am not cold shouldered by them as a result of all this but whatever happens, going back for me is not an option.

Feeling sad

There's nothing saying that you can't do something else for your baby. So he took over (idiot!). So YOU choose to do something else. Make a donation to RSPCA in her name. Adopt a 'big cat' in a zoo. Have a star named for her. Plant a tree in a forest. Shoot, rip out the rosebush and plant a new one! When we lost our beloved lab, we had a beautiful river rock engraved with her name, the dates, and "Forever Our Girl". It sits in our garden (well, she's actually buried there but the rock will go with us when/if we move). Don't let him take this from you, think of something else special to do for her.

Take a deep breath. You'll find the words to tell the people you love what you want them to know.

Those are great ideas, Across. I do think that doing something just for you, Steve, would help. But completely understand if you don't have the energy right now.

You say you don't know, but then go on to say that you are NOT going to counselling, and that you're nearly ready to take your rings off.

I don't think you realise how well you're doing :)

Take the rings off and see how it feels not to have the symbol that binds you to him anymore.

You could always get the engagement ring resized for another finger, or better yet get the stones put into a new ring that is just yours.

Just keep going. Keep doing what you need to. Anytime you feel cornered or uncomfortable with what he asks, remember that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to. This is all about you and not him. He is going to get nastier soon. He may even guilt trip you and accuse you of leading him on. Just remember that that isn't true, you gave him a chance to prove himself by leaving the door open a crack. He chose to slam that door in your face.

He is cruel to have hurt you when you needed kindness. Don't forget that. Don't forget all the things he has done to you and to dd.

Have a

So sorry he mucked up your day, Steve. What a total loser he is.

Just wanted to say you're getting stellar advice and words of wisdom from other posters, listen to them and their ideas. I have nothing to add, but just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and supporting you and egging you on! You're doing brilliantly. Keep going xx

Across thank you, I cannot even believe I am so beaten down that I didn't have the "sass" to think of all of that for myself. You are right!

I have been looking at tributes today, not 100% decided yet but we would like something which we can move with us if needed. Thank you again X

Chris I took my rings off last night, still have ring "scarring" though, feels weird, and yet nice. They have gone. I went out for the first time today without them on. Me and the girls went for a lovely long forest/lakeside walk. This forest/lakeside just so happens to be less than 5 minutes walk from the front door of our new place. Its AMAZING!

How I feel today, after yesterday and decent nights sleep in between?. It is plain and simply done now. There really is no going back.

I have started composing a text a few times today but deleted them.

I wondered what was holding me back from pressing "send" and realised that I haven't told my youngest yet, this is the big one. She needs to know first. We are NOT going back. I will go from there.

dumbo thank you lovely, and I agree, I cannot thank everyone enough for this hand holding throughout X

Well, what a day of liberation!

Been thinking, thinking, thinking...most of last night (deliberating on some of your comments but ultimately listening to my heart)

I have just sent him this;

"I have spent a lot of time thinking.. over these lat couple of weeks since we have been here. More particularly over the last couple of days. For me, this is over now. I am done"

Another shameless music link, music, for me, is a salvation!

I love the words to this, even if it is about some guy telling another one to get his hands off! Its these words I love;

"Shes gonna listen to her heart, its gonna tell her what to do
She might need a lot of loving but she don't need you"

His response to my last:

"I wish you would give it a chance to work, I'm sure we can fix it. I thought you were up for counsellling?"

My reply;

"No. Not now. It's done"

And now the latest;

"I'm so sorry. Guess we need to tie things up then :("

Is there anything emotional in this exchange? he really does not give a flying fuck does he?

You are so awesome! So utterly brilliant! I am so pleased to see this :)

Don't think that he's not building up to some major guilt tripping. Fingers crossed he doesn't!

Oh this has made my evening :o im in the middle of making dinner but will be back! Raising a glass to you and the future

You have been amazing

Don't look for emotion in his text, he's doesn't know how to handle this, doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with feelings

Tell your youngest dd and then start to move on, your decision is made so it's time to let it all go

Well done, Steve!

try not to work him out, it's a waste of time. Just be happy that you've made your decision and can now move on. I'm sure your daughter will get used to the idea. Good luck with all that, just give her loads of cuddles and love xx

Sorry I've not been around much but have lurked

Delighted to see that you have managed to get those words out and take off your rings, well done!

Your OP was only a month ago, look how far you have come. I hope you're proud, you certainly should be

You've fought hard for your freedom and happiness. He isn't capable of providing you with what you need and deserve, he has proved that over and over. He screwed up the absolute last of his last chances yesterday by continuing to be a selfish arse.

Don't let him make you feel bad, he has no right at all!

In case you were wondering, I've made and discarded several decisions over the past couple of weeks.
I have to be realistic, I cannot afford to rent anywhere privately in the long term without a major career change/upgrade or a lottery win. I've sought some advice and it seems highly likely I'd be awarded the tenancy of the house because of that, as part of the settlement which is something I didn't realise could be done. To strengthen that argument, I was here a decade before he moved in and became joint tenant.
The tricky bit is that we are required to try mediation before we can proceed. I've said nothing so far, and until I know more, I won't be. Assuming I go for this option, I predict a very very unpleasant atmosphere at best, and WW3 at worst. There is no way back though, so I shall keep on going

I'm sure it's a big relief to have it out in the open. Right now, don't concern yourself with what he's thinking or feeling. You have enough on your plate. Hopefully he's seeing a glimmer of truth and has decided to let you go with a modicum of grace. Or not. Either way, no point in borrowing trouble.

Well done, lovely xxx

So Youngest DD now knows. She has had a day to process it and really honestly just seems fine about it all. In fact is happy that we are going to be staying in our lovely little house for a long time.

The guilt tripping started almost straight away with a "When did you stop loving me" text, asking if we could still be friends. I ignored that, as I genuinely don't know the answer. He has chipped away at my love for him over a long long time. I just reached the point where I knew I could not take it any more. Not bloody saying anything about this though as I know I will get dragged into an exchange I don't want to get into right now.

Exchanged a couple more during course of today today, purely about the Easter holidays. he has swapped his holidays so we don't have to put youngest into childcare. Thats was fine.

This evening though, the money texts have started again. What am I going to do about the phone bill. FFS, its infuriating. Have told him that I have had a lot of extra expenditure recently having to re-home myself and my children and basically told him that if he was desperate then he has my permission to sell my fridge and washing machine. He wont. I know this.

The latest is going on about having less than £6 per day to live off and not eating lunch anymore so he can afford to buy her a decent meal when she is there. SO! spending on a PS4 is now about her being bored when she is there (then fucking DO something with her, she left all her board games there) but he saw that as a necessity!

marriednotdead I know exactly what you mean. I did our calculations when I was planning on going. Its tight, our rent is extortionate in comparison to what I was paying towards his mortgage. I do feel for you!

If he had actually moved out and given us some space for a couple of months, I have no idea where this would have all ended up. Maybe in the same place. Maybe not. Who knows. He wouldn't have had to spend so much though, being a single bloke..would he!

All this crying poverty shit is beginning to boil my piss quite a lot though.

I have just told him that too

You're doing so well. Keep ignoring anything that hasn't got to do with arranging contact. His finances are no longer your problem :)

Our dcs always surprise us. Dd sounds so together and secure, it's very impressive. Often they just want to know what is happening, they don't always have the preference you think they will.

He lost all credibility when he bought that ps4 :o

I hope he will stop bombarding you soon. You can ask him to only contact you about dd (but somehow I doubt he'll respect your boundaries).

Keep going!

chris the rings are still off, I found one of my old favourites today that I am wearing (to hide the ring scars) havent worn it for years, I have been sporting it all day

Since the last text I sent to him he has gone quiet. To be fair I did say he was pissing me off with the money thing.

I do want to offer something towards the phones as I am still using it. However, he seems to have got away with the whole thing in its entirety. I know he is not financially obligated to a child that is not biologically his but come on. How is it that I am forced to leave and set up a new home yet have to pay him somehow? it was almost like he was asking me for maintenance in order for him to have contact with her earlier. Going "without meals" so he can afford to feed her a decent meal..what is it he is looking for here? me to pay him something towards her meals and maintenance while she stays with him?

Do you see why I am a bit confused?

He's a manipulative plonker.

How's it going now, Steve? Have you had a bit of peace?

Hey Chris yeah, its been pretty quiet since that last exchange really.

Throwing myself into work, still on catch up from my extended break and one more day before some leave. We have split the child care arrangements for the Easter hols so I don't have to fork out for stupidly expensive child care, which is going to help.

Still undecided about getting another cat, we have adoption people visiting on Saturday so will see how it goes, I dont want to rush into anything but think my boy could do with some company during the day while we are out at work.

Last week my oldest has stupid shifts to work so after the school holidays no more child care worries

Feeling good overall. Still have many many sad moments though, where I do miss what we used to have when it was good guess that's normal.

Completely normal. Just let yourself feel what you need to, you're bound to be sad at times. I'm glad dd finishes her shifts soon. That'll give you all a more sensible routine. I hope you find the perfect cat too. You're still doing brilliantly

Thank you

Youngest DD has been taking it all in her stride really well. I am glad about that as I was worried she might get upset but she is happy with the thought that we can stay living here, she absolutely loves being so close to her school and I hope now she can start forming some good local friendship groups, she is already talking about inviting friends over for a sleepover.