Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Your girls are freaking awesome and that's because you've raised them. I'm here or there whenever you need me, lovely, you know who I am. Stop secondguessing, because there's no point. Not so small girl will be much better without him around. xxxxxx

Hugs xxxx from the dark side xxxxx

Madlizzy, thank you (wish I knew who you were in rl)

I have linked this thread to the only people who really know me btw, I was advised to get back in touch with my real friends and I have taken that advice, rather than disappear. Dont know why anyone would; I have been a useless mate, in all fairness.

Thumb, my oldest is amazing, she is so clever/talented. She remembers what life was like when he wasn't around. We were reminiscing earlier, she would like it to be how it was.

How has he done this to me, why did I let this happen?

Hi hon, it's M I just text you. Just so you know who I am on here as well. I don't check in often but you have my number and email please use them anytime if you need to. Big hugs.

Allow yourself to feel the shock and grief as all this sinks in, there's no shame in it, it's happened to me, and my beautiful, intelligent, strong DD was recently in an abusive relationship, it was right under my nose and I didn't spot it for a long time. This is even after I'd educated her about it having been in one myself. She had the same shock and grief process but has bounced back and so will you. Just don't beat yourself up for how you feel right now

Lots of love, you can do this xx

"why did I let this happen?"

Well. You didn't really, because it didn't all happen at once, did it. It's always slow and insidious, and it seems like the first "thing" is so minor that you would be the petty one to react over it! that's the first straw. But then there are lots MORE straws, and each one is generally small and insignificant on its own. Plus you've kind of become used to the straws, and learnt to accept them, just chuck 'em over your shoulder and move on, never looking behind. But then one day, when you eventually do look behind and see the mountain of straws that has accumulated, then you realise that actually, it's not that insignificant after all! And that's where you are now.

Soooo - you didn't really let it happen, HE did. HE caused it. You didn't see it for what it was. Now you do, and now you're doing something about it - best thing, well done. Let go of the guilt, and channel your energies into moving forward (and burning the straw mountain). :)

Thumbwitch - brilliant post

I travelled to your wedding and shared a room with you x

Oh my, seeing it written down like that.. that EXACTLY it thumbwitch!

Gearing myself up now as he finishes work at 4pm and will be home within an hour.

The dread I am feeling is phenomenal, I know I should not be feeling this way about someone I love.

Lubey and madlizzy XXXXX

Are you going to tell him today, Steve?

My goodness, such progress! When you make up your mind you really MOVE! That's marvelous.

It's natural to feel that dread, whether you still love the abuser or not. After all, who really loves the thought of a 'scene' of any kind. I pretty much despised my XH by the time I told him to leave and I was still dreading it.

Not today, no. I will do the usual today. I am looking forward to our two house viewings on Thursday with my oldest. I hope one of them is the one. We have the finances to put deposit and rent in advance here and now; so I am clinging to that. For now I'll just sit and wait. I am more nervous about telling my youngest, she is going to be devastated.

Thank you AcrossthePond. I cannot put my little girl through any more of it so I have to move fast

Thinking of you ?xx not posted on here in yonks !! I followed your link, I'm nikki k on Facebook x you are a wise woman , you obviously know it's not good and you know if you were 'helping' someone in a similar position you would be telling them to get the hell out and not look back xx you don't deserve to live like this and not do your children x

Don't be surprised if your youngest is NOT devastated. Maybe a bit sad and upset, but not devastated. As I mentioned, children really do pick up on things no matter how hard we try to hide them. And your oldest will be there for her and helping her to understand, too.

I agree with getting all your ducks in a row and a new place secured. I can tell you from experience that the period of time between 'You're/I'm leaving' and the actual 'departure' can be pretty awkward and can also lead to unpleasantness. It's best to be able to say 'buh-bye' knowing you'll be gone in just a few days.

My DD pretty much grew up with my XH from age 20 months to age 11, she was delighted we moved, seriously. He was never abusive in any way to her but she hated the atmosphere.

Not saying your DD will have no upset at all, but mine really surprised me and yours is on your team too. Her loyalty and resilience - possibly even relief may very well surprise you a LOT

Well this is a bit odd. He is home now. Straight on to computer game. Tried to give me a hug earlier, told him not to. He thinks I have been at work all day!

So the fact I was upset and talking about the end of our relationship yesterday means nothing. I can just pick up and continue on can't I because that's what normal people do isn't it.

Of course, Steve!! After all, 'teh menz' have to allow us 'little women' our 'little tantrums and tears', now don't they? You know how 'we' are, right? You've had your 'little say' yesterday and now things are 'back to normal', that is, back to the way he wants it to be. In his own mind.

Trust me, when you do sit him down and say 'I have a new place and I'm leaving you' he will be just shocked! They always are.

Have a horrible feeling, deep down, this is really not going to end well at all. How can someone just totally ignore what is happening around them and be so immune and uncaring to someone they are supposed to Love?

Acrossthepond, so glad you are here at the moment... I need sanity right now as I feel I am going mad. I am sat here while he is just acting like nothing has really happened.

He's behaving exactly as I'd expect. In a way, it's a 'mini-gaslighting' when they act as if all is well. The difference is that, to them, all IS well. To him it's the way it's always been. For him, things are normal. For you, things have changed, but he really can't see that.

Think about it. (And I'm going by my own experience here so YMMV) My ex was abusive. And every so often in the past there would be a 'blow up' where I'd tell him I wasn't going to put up with it anymore, he'd 'apologize' and blame me, and things would just go on as always. To him, that was normal. But one day, I found myself and told him to get the hell out. And I meant it and he knew it! He was actually SHOCKED, gobsmacked in fact. Why? Because the pattern didn't repeat itself.

Your H is either under the impression that all is 'back to normal' or he's operating under the 'ignore and it'll go away' philosophy. Either way, his reaction has NOTHING to do with you, your feelings, or your decisions. And you're definitely not going mad!!

As far as future 'unpleasantness' I'm sure there will be some. That's just human nature. But let the future take care of itself, my love. You have enough to deal with with 'today'.

I just wanted to let you know that I have just told him the relationship is over. It was only a 5 min conversation. It was very calm and controlled. He is now downstairs. I do not know what is going to happen next. I need a smoke badly but he has the tobacco!!!

Just checking in. whatthe good on you! Hopefully there won't be any tantrums. Hopefully he realizes you are DONE and will just accept it.

Oh well done whatthe - now just be careful. He's not drinking, is he?

According - I agree with Acrossthepond - he just doesn't think you're going to do anything about it. You've had your little fit, now you'll just sink back into letting him treat you the same way he always has, because that's how little he thinks of you. He's not worried - why would he be? You're under his control! Except now you're not - he just hasn't realised it yet. Things could change when he does, and it could go a couple of different ways, one of which could be sobbing and pleading and begging you not to leave him or he'll kill himself (he won't). Don't tell him it's over until you're ready to leave, if you can avoid it - saves so much unpleasantness.

whatthe, I'm happy for you lovely, have posted on your thread X

AcrossthePond, spot on again, you totally get him! he spent the entire evening playing his game. I went up at 9.30 as I felt exhausted. I was going to update here but just wanted to put my head down and sleep. Which I only managed to do for about two hours. I think I saw every single bloody hour last night so I am exhausted again this morning.

Worrying about stupid things like "stuff" what stuff do I need to get ready? If I leave some of my things here will he allow me to get them back after I leave? making mental note of whats mine and whats his.

Then worrying about new place, I know we can afford it but then I am leaving him in a financial bad place and feel guilty will I pass credit check for estate agents, my score is "fair" not good although my daughters might be better, can we do it her name? if we don't pass the credit scoring, what then?

Thumb, you are spot on too. I wasn't planning on saying anything to him until I know for sure we can get a new place and set a moving date.

He is going to know on Friday though, whatever happens. I get paid and I am supposed to move some money into a joint account. I am going to need this money so I can't.

The anxiety is driving me nuts

All right, so you need practical help and advice on what to do and when.

Have you phoned Women's Aid? They will be so used to this situation, they will be able to help you with the practical stuff and give you some good hints.

I would say that it is likely that your DH is going to have a fairly bad reaction to you leaving - so get everything that is important to you out of the house when you go. Now you've involved RL friends, ask them if they can maybe store some of your stuff before you are able to move into a new place; if you can even stay there. Friends might be able to help you move out, so you can take more with you when you go.

Before Friday, when this will really start to blow up, safeguard all important documents, including joint finances, your passport, any other stuff. Photocopy stuff if you can (although this may not be legally allowed in court if it doesn't have your name on it, it's bloody useful to know what's going on).

He isn't going to know what's happening on Friday - he's going to know that you haven't moved the money, but not why. Stall him. Sulk. Do what he does and give him the silent treatment. Go away for the weekend (after you've done all the necessary safeguarding).

You'll be ok - you just need to focus on your plan. Phone Women's Aid asap to help with that plan.